“You’ll always be looking for something better” he said. “What you want is unobtainable” he said. These statements came in a heated moment shortly after I softly let him know I didn’t think we were going to work. These words from a man I valued, hurt. They stung because I knew I hurt him. They hit home because they let in a whisper of wonder and doubt. Am I doomed in love? Am I too selective? Do I choose unobtainable men? Do I have unrealistic expectations?
For the quirkyalone, there is no patience for dating just for the sake of not being alone. We want a miracle. Out of millions, we have to find the one who will understand. ~ Sasha Cagen, Quirkyalone
Am I quirky? Will I forever be alone? Honestly, I don’t think so but…
I did get excited when I saw a Match.com profile that read, “You have never met anyone like me.” I got even more geeked when I read the rest of his profile and determined he wasn’t conceited. He seemed different in a smart and enlightened way. I almost peed my pants when he ‘liked’ my photos and emailed me. I got energy from his words. We talked about meeting in person and then… he disappeared off of Match.
I’m special so you have to be special too
Do I hold out for extraordinary because I think I have something special to offer? Perhaps. I look at individuals differently than others do. I zero in on the sparkling facets of their inner world. I buff and polish those facets with warmth and safety until that person feels more alive than they did before they met me. I’ve been told I’m comforting, healing and akin to dopamine. Essentially, I help others shine.
If they draw out my light as well, then I give with my whole being. I don’t hold back.
All I want…
In true introvert fashion I have deeply examined (over analyzed?) the qualities I seek in a partner. All of which come with the caveat that my children be embraced and cherished as well (There goes more than half the herd;).
Here they are in no particular order:
1. Inspiring intelligence – Nothing sexier than a brilliant mind. Bright conversation ignites the brain and makes sparks fly. Sapiosexuality Baby.
2. Willingness to help and support – Introverts are constantly aware of our leaking energy. If we want any energy leftover for scintillating conversation and awesome sex we’re going to need some help with the daily grind and decision-making.
3. Respect and validation – It’s easy for introverts to feel inferior in our lack of ability to go-go-go and socialize endlessly. Make us feel like highly valued equals and we’ll do whatever it takes to protect and nourish the relationship.
4. Deep, deep, emotional intimacy – We get each other. We load our conversations with thought-provoking ideas and vulnerable admissions. We look at the world the same. We intuitively understand each other’s hurts, needs, loves and aspirations. We communicate with lively ease. We could talk all night but don’t need to because we are in tune in silence as well.
5. Understanding of the need for space AND connection – Allow me to bathe in solitude but extend an invitation to join you afterwards. Let me know you’ll be there when I’m ready to intertwine.
6. Sweet sensuality – Slow and spiritual most of the time. Hot and fast occasionally. This can be epic if we dare to blend beautifully. Depth in physical connection. I don’t do casual. There is too much energy loss in meaningless.
7. Dynamic and kind – I will feel your energy. Is it compassionate and interested in making the world a better place? I’m partial to non-judgmental idealists. Pessimism and negativity drain, so I abstain.
Beautifully high expectations met
Dear God! I AM going to be alone forever.
As I typed this list, it became clearer and clearer that I am dangerously particular. Dangerous in that there may never be an individual who lives up to these ideals. Unsettling in that I will likely hurt others along the way in my search.
I HAVE experienced a near perfect coupling. I have danced in blissful partnership. I have nailed the spiritual, physical and emotional trifecta. I did stop looking for something better. I have found the miracle, the one out of millions who understands… more than once.
Yes, I lost one and never fully obtained the other but…
They were worth the wait and effort. They filled me with energy and I believe I did the same for them.
At some point Mr. One in a Million will enter my life or I will leap into love that doesn’t fit my criteria and find I was wrong about what I needed.
But for now, alone is better than settling for less. Alone is easier than bleeding energy in a pretend relationship. Alone is where I won’t break any hearts or have mine broken. Alone is where I will discover what I have to offer the world.
How particular are you? Are you willing to wait for the miracle or do you need to be coupled? What are your must-haves in a partner?
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INFJ sidenote: In the Myers-Briggs Personality Type Indicator I am an INFJ. The rarest of all types. < 2% of the U.S. population. INFJs are described as extraordinarily insightful when it comes to other people’s emotions, thoughts and desires. We connect on the deepest levels. We are enthusiastic and compassionate lovers who see physical intimacy as a chance to connect on a spiritual level. We are also the least satisfied in long-term love relationships. Update: I may actually be an INFP. Since taking a Myers Briggs certification course, I have found I am in the middle zone between J and P. I am an early starter on projects but do love to experience life on my own timeframe. Both are idealists and future oriented so I believe my quest for the perfect mate is still in full force.;)