I once heard Brad Pitt say, Having children takes the focus off yourself, which I’m 
really grateful for. I’m so tired of thinking about myself. I’m sick of myself.
At the time, I was just entering the mystical realms of conscious self-reflection and writing. I thought, How could anyone be sick of themselves? There is so much to learn, accept and reveal.
Well, I’ve hit that wall now. I get it. I’ve grown weary and bored of the nooks and crannies of my life. For now. I’m sure the desire to study myself will return but at the moment I feel a pull to take the focus off me.
I haven’t posted a personal status update on Facebook in days. So unlike me, but I truly have no desire or ability to forage my mind for unique observations or relevant quips. I’m burned out with myself.
Perhaps I Should Write Fiction
I even heard myself utter, I’m tired of writing, as I drove my son to play practice. I surprised myself and him. It feels as though I’ve hashed over every nuance and thought regarding introversion, divorce and self-actualization. I’m 100 posts in and fear repeating myself.
Those declarations were relatively short-lived because as I compose this post I don’t feel tired or fearful at all. I feel open, satisfied and purposeful. But there is still something different framing the edges of my life-view.
I Want to Do More Extroverting
I feel an urge to get out and engage in action. I don’t want to do laps around my mind 
anymore. I want to run wild and taste new experiences. I want to do something out in the world with others. I’ve been alone with my thoughts long enough. I now crave interaction and activity. All of this sounds suspiciously extroverted.
An introvert gone rogue?
Creativity and Its Contradictions
In Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi‘s Psychology Today article on The Creative Personality he mentions how creative types often exhibit contradictory characteristics like being introverted AND extroverted, working hard and sitting around, displaying masculine and feminine traits.
Not saying that I am all that creative, but I see truth in Csikszentmihalyi’s words. Creative people are open to all ways of the universe. They need to be both in touch with reality and out of touch. How else can they create work that resonates AND inspires?
Perhaps I’m ready to be in touch with reality after so many months focused on my own little world.
Change Sounds Good
I think I have crouched in the corner of my own perspective for so long that I need the light offered outside my habits. I need to connect in a different way. Sure, I connect through my writing and it is hugely fulfilling but I want to work differently for a while as well.
I want change.
Did I just say that?
I’ve had lots of change in the last year — mostly resulting from the divorce, but now I am asking for more.
I want a job.
I want a partner again.
I want more time with my kids.
I want to start over in a new house.
Every one of these means upheaval but I’m feeling strong enough to withstand it. Upheaval is the next move. I’ve been gathering data on myself long enough. At some point I have to stop doing research and publish the damn study. Time to sh*t or get off the pot as my classy relatives say.
Focus on a Job
On the job front I’m feeling more flexible. The hours need to be conducive to time with my children but the actual job can be something completely off the Brenna charts. I’m open to fields I never thought of. I want to learn new skills and use the ones I’ve honed (writing, mediation, relationship building). I want to surprise myself with what I can learn, create and do.
Focus on a Partner
As for a new partner… well, yeah that would be awesome. I’ve filled myself up with enough love and energy to give to and champion another. I want out of my head and into someone else’s heart. I love myself but that’s not enough. I want to meet someone as a complete soul, not needing their approval, security or leadership. So I can focus on their spirit and love them unconditionally.
Focus on My Children
I now have sufficient time to myself – sometimes too much. I miss my kids when they are with their dad. It took me a while to feel that way. I was catching up from years of 
little-to-no guilt-free time alone. As an introvert, I was fruit dying on the vine. Lack of solitude was like a drought to my imagination and sense of well-being. Freedom has re-hydrated me. I want to up my parenting game. Nourish the kids in a deeper, more lush manner when they are with me. The time limits won’t change but the level of meaningful and relaxed engagement will.
Focus on a New Home
This spring or summer I will change houses. This both exhilarates and terrifies me. The work and details involved in moving scare the crap out of me. My introvert brain already feels anesthetized by the massiveness of the project but my change-seeking heart can’t wait for a new venue to explore. My own place. Somewhere that I choose and work to make a home. It will require lots of elbow grease and physical effort but I’m focusing on the satisfaction and sense of accomplishment.
Finding Me in You
I intend to continue building space2live. I relish the thought of getting out in the physical world and gathering images and experiences that fortify space2live’s values and messages.
Of course, as I listen to others and take on physical and external tasks, universal stories and common joy and pain will surface. I will see myself in everything.
Do you ever get sick of yourself? Too much time in your own head? How do you escape you?
Related Posts:
Self-Actualization and the Suburban Mother (space2live)
Do You Have the Guts to Choose Happiness? (space2live)
Secrets to Satisfaction: How to Keep a Twinkle in Your Eye (space2live)
Newly Divorced Introvert Follows Her Heart for a Change (space2live)
When I came to Christ I found a lot of answers to the questions I’ve had in life. I would consider myself a creative person. And I totally relate to the part of being both out of touch with reality and in touch at the same time. I relate to the desire to go out and be active, go new places, see new things, meet new people. I got into a lot of practices to try and fill that emptiness that was within me. I tried Yoga. I tried starting a music business. I tried transcendental meditation. I tried to open up my third eye and get connected to source conscious so that I could raise my vibration high enough to ascend. I tried sungazing. I even tried sun worship. I tried the law of attraction. I tried positive affirmations. I tried kundalini yoga. I tried astral projection. I tried to get into occult stuff like astrology, horoscopes, any type of divination, birth charts, moon signs, and a lot of other stuff that I later found to be witchcraft. Then when I tried all those things I realized that they got me nowhere, and I was the same miserable person I was when I started. Then one day I asked Google whether astrology was satanic or not. Found out that it was, and not only that, but that God forbids it along with many of the other things that I previously mentioned. Then started to come across testimonies of people who were saying they used to be into the new age movement (light workers, it’s all a matter of Perception, etc.) And they were talking about how they were decieved and how they came to know Christ. They were talking about how many of the practices that they were trying were leading them further into the hole of sin, including Idolatry, and how they were all along just searching to be connected with God. I realized that I was one of those people. And seeing that nothing else worked or even made sense, I soon saw that Jesus Christ is the only way to life. I threw away my crystals, I stopped worshipping the sun, and I admitted who I had become; an arrogant, self-centered, mess. I saw how all along I was being led by my selfish passions and desires, and how I was caught up in the pride of the world, and lusting after the things of the world. Ever since then I’ve been repenting, turning away from my sins, reading the Bible, and praying. My heart is lighter than it used to be. Do I still have low moments? Yes. But I know that if I just keep praying and resisting sin, then I will enter heaven at the end. If you are looking for something and can’t describe what it is, you might just be looking for God. If you want to receive Jesus today, you have to first recognize that you are a sinner, and by yourself you are spiritually hopeless. You have to repent, turn away from your sins and ask God to forgive you in the name of Jesus. I hope this reached you. God bless.
I am happy you found a path that gives you fulfillment.
it’s cool that you wrote this 3.5 years ago, Brenda! does it feel as true today? different? you wrote openly then; you write openly today. i love your eager heart and mind — the heart and mind of a child (which is a beautiful thing).
i think if we are in our heads too much about our own selves, that can get old. i think if we are immersed in work / learning that fascinates us, that is different. that is a focus not on ourselves. focusing on our selves too much can cause us to be basically depressed, i think! perhaps we are happiest when we are out of ourselves. in service, somehow, to others. in service to our passion — and i think our passion is, or can be, a service, something we feel very strongly pulled to do, sometimes pretty much have to do.
it is a beautiful life, for sure! thank you for sharing you with all of us!
[…] I’m Sick of Myself and Other Things I Never Thought I’d Say […]
I think this is a good place to get to. I suspect that anyone who is living their inner life consciously ends up in the desert at some point. Personally, when I found myself at an existential dead end I came face to face with my own deep rage. But as I let myself really have that I discovered a strange sense of relief. Once you deal with your psyche’s innate claustrophobia you start looking around and realize that there’s a lot of space in the desert. Thanks for your wonderful blog.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment. Your imagery is dead on – deserts and psychic claustrophobia – I’m there. I am enjoying a look around. I feel myself expanding beyond my introspective walls. Thanks again for sharing your wisdom.
Every time I read your observations, I’m shocked by the parallels to my own experience. Any major changes: moving, new job, marriage divorce, children, death all engage the soul into reinventing itself and discovering new ways of coping. Naturally, through that process, it can seem as though we’re mind-numbingly self-absorbed. In truth we are just in transition. Once the problems have been identified and dealt with, then the healing begins. It seems like you are well on your way. There is no right way to do this. My suggestion is to listen to John Lennon’s “Watching The Wheels” over and over. I mean, those Fab Four always knew EXACTLY what to say. Enjoy this crazy, strange, lovely journey. And don’t fight what graces God bestows on you. He is quite perfect, y’know.
Ok, Watching the Wheels is now on my playlist.;) Music does often seem to have answers. I think you are right. I am transitioning. I did get rather sick of myself while in the cocoon, well actually most of the time I was quite enthralled, but now I am ready to spread my wings. I am ready to meet new people and new experiences. The journey is a windy road but I am loving it. Thanks so much for your wise and insightful comment. I truly appreciate it.
I see nothing but life. In the grand scheme when we reflect, it all speaks of balance. Shouts actually. Having one’s cake and eating it too is possible. Personal boundaries, setting expectations, planning and allowing for life to happen, and rolling with it when the Chairman of the Board (or whatever Kung fu you subscribe to) throws us a curve ball.
The field is open. The stage can contain all or less then what we’d like.
Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar’s. Unto God, that which is God’s.
That passage has always meant a great deal but it has also left a gaping hole for the rest of my time and life that isn’t earmarked.
So I work and pay taxes, and give back to God. Or do it, if one is so inclined, without the necessitous organization of faith, and give simply to enrich someone else and show my appreciation for this life by paying it back.
Then there is a whole lotta time that involves neither. There’s the gaping hole. The aforementioned stage.
Every morning when I awake in the very first moments as I shed my stubborn slumber; the stage is empty and the sound of switches being thrown for lighting, one by one, begin to fill the stage with light.
Stage hands come up and sweep, The sound of stage doors opening and closing beyond my sight clang in the background and muffled discussions drift and echo and drift some more off of the walls and through the curtains. Unbeknownst to me the known and unknown are entering through those stage doors. In time they’ll all have a go at making their way out, to live it out. Control may be an illusion for how those acts play out and the joy, tragedy, mundane, madness, and sublime ultimately fill that stage. But my own actions. My own wants, needs, concerns and love still have an active role in shaping the outcome. I’ve entered that stage door too. But with my voice I stand a chance at being understood. Being heard. Making my views, wants, boundaries, openness fears and hopes known.
As long as I don’t lose my ability to communicate. I feel I stand a chance of enjoying even an extra slice of cake.
On second thought, make that next one pie, please.
I love the stage metaphor. Especially those first few morning moments when the light switches are thrown. Beautiful image.
There really is no control but there are choices. I’m excited to make different choices and see what happens. Pie this time.:)
Thanks for your insightful and lovely comment.
I do get terribly sick of myself at times, and I will flip back and forth between desperately needing to get into or out of my own head. It isn’t a ‘grass is always greener’ sort of flipping, it’s a ‘too much of a good thing’ kind of flipping. In all things, there must be balance. If we go too long to one extreme, it is only natural we will at some point desperately crave the opposite. Have fun on your new adventures. 🙂
Yes Jess. It’s like a pendulum. I’ve gone too far one way. Time to swing back and ultimately stay close to the middle. I do need to bury myself in thought and ideas sometimes but I know I need interaction and experiences in order to generate associations. Julia Cameron always talks about re-stocking your images and going on artist’s dates. So great to hear from you. I know you get the writer mind.;)
Oh, good Lord, yes! I love and need a great deal of time alone and I am writing a book–non-fiction, but sometimes the never ending naval gazing makes me want to vomit. I do work–I clean houses, which gets me out among people that I love and it takes me out of my own head, too. I told another writer friend just yesterday that she needs to get out more. I think we all need to get out a bit more—those of us contemplative types. It’s healthy. It is a balanced life.
I can endure a fair amount of naval gazing but then I need to burst out of the reverie! I have cut back on my outside activities for one reason or another and now I miss my people. I miss the connecting and learning experiences. I’m getting back in the game. I’m lucky opportunities are all around me. Thanks so much for your comment.
Wow. It took guts for you to post this. It’s all in the narrative—the language. You’re sick of yourself—or poised for transcendence, or the next step, or whatever works. You are in charge of your metaphors.
Yes, poised for transcendence, that’s it.:) I intend to use all of the data collected to take action. I love reflecting but I need movement too. Good to hear from you Doug.
Perhaps your perspective has suffered from too much snow and ice…I recommend a change of venue to accommodate that new vision. How about a trip to Tennessee?? Temps in the 60’s next week and Graceland’ s still calling…
That option is always in the back of my mind Dad.;) Walking across an icy parking lot today, taking baby steps so I don’t fall and break myself, made me really wish for the sun and warmth.