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The Catholic Telegraph / August 13, 2019 / 1.5k. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------[/i] 52 Catholic Puns and Dad Jokes That Will Make You Either . Please stop bickering about such trivial matters, Yet, living by the holy word does not mean one isn't allowed to have some good old-fashioned clean fun! Here is a look at 10 of the best Christian jokes out there! As a non-catholic, all I know about Lent is it's another chance to start up that New Year's resolution you already quit on. "Me too! 00:00. Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. Guard: (pauses, confers with fellow guard) The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. Man: "I'm jewish!" They witnessed a Protestant minister lurking about, then duck into the house. said Pat, removing his cap and crossing himself, "One of the poor girls musta died." _________________ -I can. Im very sorry. She replies "Because I swallowed the first. On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to roll down the window. The rabbi again asked, "And then?" The man replies Beds hard. "Just water," says the priest, fingers crossed. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. Love24. The New Testament records Jesus' activities and teaching, his appointment . ", Condoms: they're what separate the men from the boys, Shortly after having her ninth baby, an Irish Catholic woman runs into her parish priest. This continues for the rest of the evening - he orders only two beers. What denomination?" Because they'll dessert you. And I pushed him off. He said, "I'm stuck on you!". House Call. They're both giving kids a little head all over Latin America. "I have 4 sons; one more and I'll have a basketball team!" One more and I'll have a basketball team." The very next Sunday just happened to be Easter, and the priest was back at his pulpit in Ireland, giving his annual Easter sermon. "Might as well." Uploaded: 08/20/2013. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. "Like what?" 'Great!' 'What's wrong?' While walking away, the two friends become engaged in a debate about whether the offer is meant seriously. That's blasphemy against our Lord." 'Tis odd, isn't it?" When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'. "Would ye look at that, Darby!" Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh. The Rabbi went first and said they were having a terrible issue with squirrels. You believe you are supposed to take a covered dish to heaven when you die. By The third man says' Easter. Priest: But you're not Catholic. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The man opens his newspaper and begins reading. The particle replies "you can't have mass without me. Why can't Anglicans play chess? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean catholic religion dad jokes. All of a sudden a squirrel runs out from the bushes grabs the ball and starts running.now there is an eagle soaring above the golf course, it swoops down and grabs the squirrel. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The second Catholic woman chirps, while my son is a bishop, when he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace.'. "Simple!" "Did ya see that, Darby?" The first man says' Christmas. He knew that dying for the Christian faith would pave the way to his eternal reward and . The Rabbi went first and said they were having a terrible issue with squirrels. by. from Holy Apostles College & Seminary and an M.Phil from CUA. 10 Hilarious Catholic Jokes. Exclaims the priest His mentor - a "higher ranking" priest came for a visit - to see how he was doing. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. Church jokes placed well within a sermon are a treasure, and the right ones are hard to find but powerful to use. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? One more and I'll have a soccer team!" All rights reserved. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, jewish, racist. Man: *shrugs* I'm telling everybody. he asked. Many of the catholic catholic irish puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. The Scientologist jokes, "I've got 4 kids. We prayed to the God of laughter and he answered our prayers by giving us these funny religious jokes. Next up is St. Peter. the other replies condescendingly: "Ah you Jews, all you think about is money!". The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak, and finally the drunk replies, No use knockin buddy theres no paper in this one either!. St. Peter shouted. The Priest says " you can't be here!". Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence.' The Catholic Telegraph / June 7, 2020 / 1.1k. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks: "I must be dreaming of heaven! "Yes" is the reply, so the father takes him to the nuns and leaves. Need a laugh? "Well," she replies, "I don't know how I get pregnant so often. Bring on the Lent jokes. Protestant or Catholic?" "Me too! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One boy, the oldest in his family, immediately answered, Thou shalt not kill., A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. As the eagle is soaring away over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, who drops the squirrel; when the squirrel lands on the green, it lets go of the ball which rolls in the hole for a hole-in-one!!!! I have seventeen wives. Via Pleated-Jeans 2. Then Little Susie says "I wanna be a prostitute.". The abbot asks . Little Johnny answers saying, "Each morning that my Father is late to work, he pounds on the bathroom door saying, 'JESUS CHRIST, ARE YOU STILL IN THERE?". He motions to the priest, and they both hop in a jeep and go out the back door. Privacy Policy. Facebook Twitter Pinterest WhatsApp. Whats wrong? asked the frightened couple. Man: Yes, father. Thanks to their partnership in our mission, we reachmore than 20 million unique users per month! He said, "A Christian." The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink. said Pat. "I thought you said 'a Protestant!'" So, they went to do their sins and came back to get blessed. He asked the parrot: Jesus was walking along one day, when He came upon a group of people surrounding a lady of ill repute. The priests says, It begins at conception. Sincerely, "um" the priest stumbled "in my youth, once or twice" A policeman notices and pulls him over. The Priest then spoke up and said they used to have the same issue but had solved it. A man walked up to a Franciscan and Jesuit and asked, "How many novenas must you say to get a Mercedes Benz?" I have some good news and some bad news. Search ID: CS143839. He tops his shot and it goes screaming along the ground toward the lake. An example of data being processed may be a unique identifier stored in a cookie. Youve been complaining ever since you got here!" And he looks the Lord right in the eye and says, 'Blimey, Mate. While the pope was visiting the USA, he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive. ", The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. Please stop bickering about such trivial matters, A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.His parents were not religious but after a friends suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. Further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. Fortunately, he's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips he's ever had. I smell your grandmother's strudel!" "No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Source: Jimmy Carr. "Christian." They get to the pearly gates where Pope St. Peter greets them. The priest replied, "I mean her legs.". You see my neighbour worships exhaust pipes He's a Catholic converter. Yes, he informed the couple, You can get married in Heaven., Great! said the couple, But we were just wondering, what if things dont work out? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The priest shocked by this statement asks, "What makes you think it 00:00. Thanks for this. A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- OH, COME ON!, St. Peter shouted, It took me three months to find a priest up here! Christmas.'. Jesus just sighed. 100 Catholic Memes That Are Hilariously Funny. Jesus: Remember that fishing club Ive started 2000 years ago? Someone has plagurized the original and factual work. Why couldn't Jonah trust the ocean? Once again he told the boat that god will save him. Father Patrick: "Why didn't you tell me your wee dog was Catholic?!" He said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Funny quote written on a husband's t-shirt: If all are devils, my wife is the queen of them. Little Timmy says, "I can feel Jesus' presence during Mass." He thought he was God. The Chilean mining company gets its miners stuck in a shaft. Jesus looks over and says, "I really hate it when you do that, Mom." The first nun looks to heaven and says, "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they're doing." The second nun looks up and says, "This one does!" Quarrel. You need to be a member in order to leave a comment. The Mormon speaks up and deadpans. Feel free to check out www.mattvandervennet.bandcamp.com. A young Jewish boy, being an obedient son, goes to the bakery to deliver a message from his mother to a very busy and very overworked baker. When you drove your bus, people prayed!" He didnt tell me , The Pope: But I am the leader of the Catholic Church , St. Peter: The Catholic Church Never heard of it Wait, Ill check with the boss.. Man: "I'm 92 years old. The preacher said they were having the same issue, in fact, a few of the squirrels had actually gotten inside of the church and had done some damage to the roof. Joe says "I've got four athletic daughters. One more and I'll have a golf course! 'OH, COME ON!!!' Full of wine, bread, and guilt. [i]-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. And the Lord says, 'Nay, Johnny me boy, it's not you. Funny things help us get through the humdrum of life. Score: 12. The priests says, "It begins at conception". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Eat your supper.' Then the Catholic Church must be a non-profit organization. An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.