The masculine grows by challenge, but the feminine grows by praise.
— David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
Not submissive. Not macho.
According to spiritual and sexual author and guru, David Deida, the feminine essence (which both men and women possess) refers to the part of us that is fulfilled by love, intimacy and relationships. The masculine essence (also possessed by both sexes) is represented by purpose, confidence and a drive to live our deepest truths and complete our specific mission. Even though the feminine and masculine exist in each of us, one of them dominates, much like introversion and extroversion. In general, men have more masculine attributes and women have more feminine.
At my core, I’m really feminine. Boatloads of praise and encouragement are the things that move me out of my safe, quiet (non)existence. It took direct comments like, You seem like someone who could do anything, and hundreds of affirmations regarding my writing to get me to believe in myself and dare to spearhead my life.
To me, introversion leans toward the feminine because it is receptive, observant and intimate. Although, introverts can be driven and deeply purposeful as well I always feel more extroverted when I’m proactively directing my life and fighting through obstacles.
Misplaced praise
In my opinion, praise only moves you if it applies to a characteristic or skill that intimately connects with your values, the deepest truths that you want to grow and show. For example, I received adequate commendations for my skills as a mother and household manager. My ex-husband often thanked me for planning dinners and keeping things organized. I sought and received approval for the way I scheduled kid activities and planned family visits. It was nice to be appreciated for my work, of course, but that kind of praise didn’t foster growth. In a way, it delayed discovery of my purpose.
Seeing your reflection for the first time
Eventually, someone saw me as valuable in the way I Ionged to be valuable. I was honored for thinking deeply, articulating my feelings and expressing my introverted and sensitive way of being. 
I felt truly seen and approved for the first time.
Eventually, several people praised me for these qualities.
I gravitated toward that praise. I bloomed in its light. It fed my spirit, gave me confidence, helped me become fully me. I began to trust myself enough to let the real me surface and reach out to others. Apparently, I needed to feel meaningful love in order to reflect it.
Revealing what was always there
I know true love and validation come from within you. No one can provide those for you forever. Somehow the powerful praise released what was always inside me. It melted the walls protecting my timid heart. It gave me the courage to be honest and vulnerable. It gave me the strength to live by my own code. It gave me a code, period.
I now know my calling is to be a voice for deeply feeling individuals. I know I have to express myself authentically and with verve.
The praise my feminine essence craved and received led to increased love in my life (more intense connections with family members and friends, an outpouring of care and empathy for space2live readers) and introduced the more masculine attributes of living purposely and growing through challenges.
I dare you to live with purpose
Now my masculine essence is in a growth spurt. Knowing your mission and climbing the mountain is damn hard. As an introvert, I get tired of being so outward and seek drinks of sweet praise to re-energize. I fail and flop and hurt other people’s feelings. I am getting real intimate with my shadow side (easily overwhelmed, a tad
emotional, need for reassurance). I’m challenged daily to:
1. Create harmony in my home despite diverse and antagonistic personalities.
2. Manage and maintain a house by myself (I’m decidedly not a DIY kind of girl).
3. Care for children and extended family.
4. Make time to write and promote space2live.
5. Earn money doing what I know how to do.
6. Keep my body strong and healthy.
7. Figure out how to handle emotions and intense feelings.
8. Find a partner who praises my deep thinking, introverted and sensitive way of being… 😉
Most of the above feel like extroverting to me.
It seems our purpose is revealed and driven by praise AND challenges. Our growth, an alternating sequence of masculine, feminine, introversion and extroversion.
In this moment, are you looking for praise or a challenge? What is your purpose? How did you discover it?
If you loved Are You More Masculine or Feminine… you’ll also enjoy:
Masculine, Feminine, Dominance and the Love Dance
What I learned from a Guitar Guru
First One Over the Wall:What It’s Really Like to End a Marriage and Start Over
Who Could You Be if Someone Fiercely Championed You?
Wonderful article, Brenda! I’m definitely more masculine but one large obstacle will always stand in my way: general anxiety.
My main and only big goal or ambition in adulthood has been to get a job which I enjoy. I’ve had 2 full-time jobs and 1 part-time; now I’m at university because having those jobs taught me that it was I who had to change and I who wasn’t living up to my own expectations.
Being an asexual and aromantic shy introvert has definitely made things harder for myself and it’s also made it hard for me to admit to myself that I’m in an unstable frame of mind and need help. But I’m glad I sought help eventually!
I’m nowhere near improved yet but at least I can see a few reasons to live now, even if they’re not related to a career.
It’s so hard to cope sometimes but it’s articles like this that I adore because you allow us as readers to really read what’s on your mind in fabulous detail, all while allowing us to also consider ourselves in a similar position or situation.
You explain, relate and include your readers so well.
Oh wow Lucy, thank you for your kind words. What you described in the end is what I believe all writers live for — resonance from their readers. It sounds like you are on a bright path. Your self-awareness and determination will lead you. I’m glad my posts inspire you. You’re not alone and you’re heard.:)
This was an interesting read, Brenda. I, too, feel like my masculine essence is going through a growth spurt after being overpowered by my feminine, creative essence for a long time. One of my affirmations is “I’m deeply connected to my divine feminine intuition.” This helps to keep me from swinging too far in the opposite direction of planning/dominating/doing masculine energy.
Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, author of Flow:The Psychology of Optimal Experience, says that creative people very often exhibit dichotomous behavior. They are both masculine and feminine, introverted and extroverted… I think that swing between masculine and feminine keeps us highly attuned to others and to our work.
You are building an awesome career and making big decisions. Your masculine essence is in charge and helping you grow right now. Flex that muscle!!;)
I’m female and I LIVE for praise. I’m not very competitive. I’m adamant about using “thank you” and it sticks with me when a person does NOT respond with “thank you” to something I did for them (like give them a computer…..free……)
I grew up with parents who rarely praised me. And they still rarely praise me. My extremely introverted dad probably has done it more than my narcissistic mother. While he stayed silent, she would usually say things like “you could have done better” or “if you only had practised more, you wouldn’t have made that mistake”. She never validated my feelings or emotions, she never appreciated me and my companionship (very sheltered only child). She MIGHT have meant to praise and challenge me, but her words were always negative. (I commonly use the phrase “veiled insults” to describe the way she speaks to others.) And my dad just stays silent. His actions seem to speak louder than his words
So now, as an adult and an unvalidated former-child, I strive for praise. If I DON’T receive praise/thank-you, I feel horrible…..I feel worthless, unmotivated, stupid, not valuable, incompetent, a loser. When someone praises me, I finally feel like I’m worth something.
Perhaps your “challenge” was to thrive without praise? I can see how your upbringing would make you need praise/validation like a dying flower needs rain. How has your striving for praise affected your personal success? Are you an overachiever?
Do you offer praise to others easily? Perhaps you are in your masculine phase now, becoming more self-directed and confident?
As always, thanks for sharing your experience November.
Interesting questions…..I don’t consider myself very successful….but I’ve been told I’m very hard on myself. I fulfil my own needs in life just fine (food, shelter, money, etc.) but I don’t go beyond my comfort zone (this might change in the next 5 years; I feel the need to move to a different continent). I don’t really challenge myself often, and definitely not in my professional life (it already takes SO much out of me to go to work and be in “serve” mode; I feel that I don’t have much more to give–both professionally and personally). I feel weird taking compliments or praising myself because “I could have done a better job”. I’m also afraid of thinking too highly of myself.
I recently got mad at my mom for the way she talks to me, that I just want her to have conversations with me where I feel supported. Her answer was “What do you want me to do? Tell you you’re great?” I’m a firm believer that our parents definitely mold us…..I am the person that I am because of how I was raised and treated. I believe, with a kinder mother, I would be a completely different person–probably happier often and definitely more confident. (If you’d ask her: she would say those attributes are not important for our life on this earth. She’s extremely religious.)
I’m an overachiever, or rather a perfectionist, who doesn’t actually over-achieve and nothing is EVER good enough. In school, I had to try VERY hard for A’s and B’s. My achievements are ordinary, but I have to work extra hard at some of them–but I actually think I’m very lazy (again, partly because I’ve been told I am by my mom). But I’m also very hard on myself. (Why should I be happy with a B when I could have had an A? Other people are smarter than I am, which is why they got the A and I didn’t.)
I feel weird praising or complimenting others because I feel it sounds fake and in reality “they could have done a better job”. I’ve consistently dated men who “need” extravagant praise in order for them to complete menial tasks like emptying the dishwasher. (I’d all but throw myself on the floor in prostration, just to encourage my husband to empty the dishwasher a 2nd time, and my praise didn’t work.)
I’m trying to become more confident, but one step forward only results in 3+ steps backward. And life has taught me that it’s easier to be alone than with (most) people. (I do have a few close friends.) Life is less disappointing, less painful, and less difficult–the more alone time I spend. If anything, I am definitely taking advantage of “I’m an introvert, I need alone time.”
My gut reaction to your posts is always – you need space from your mother. Get away from her. I know it won’t erase your memories but it will give you a chance to live differently, away from her influence. I also suggest finding a positive, encouraging environment – a different job, social circle, therapist. Do something just for you be it a creative endeavor, a physical challenge, a trip somewhere foreign. I have J.L. Borges poem, You Learn, taped to the wall above my desk. One of my favorite stanzas is : So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. You are your own person. I keep learning this lesson myself. I don’t have to impress anyone else. I am not what anyone else decides I am.
I have also learned it helps me to help others. I almost always see the good in others first. A kind word doesn’t take anything from me. They may not have done something to my standards but they did it their way and often to the best of their ability. Anyway, that’s my two cents.
I understand needing time alone. Definitely. But also figure out what or who does make you happy and follow them.
I’ve spent a long time not understanding my own strengths due to some pretty malformed growth from childhood. I felt the purpose, but had no faith in my own intuition, about me. I’m good with others, not so good with me. The vote of confidence from people close to me that I knew would not butter me up, created the confidence to challenge myself, to seek to fulfill that purpose. Time will tell, but no matter the outcome, I will never have to say “I never tried.”
As to the masculine/feminine aspects, I am far more feminine when creating, be that with my poetry, writing, or photography. But in my day job, where logic prevails, I’m far more masculine. When running my farm alone, I was masculine energized when care-taking the property, but very feminine when I returned to inside the home.
Quite frankly, I like flexing both, and I find men that can entertain both in themselves deeply attractive. I feel that makes us both whole, and in balance.
Great piece, as always 🙂
My writing coach recently told me I can trust myself, my intuition. I’d been second guessing my very strong intuition for years. It was good to hear someone else’s confidence in my instincts. I know I should be able to trust my inner voice without the assurance of others but it definitely propped me up.;)
You seem to be quite balanced in your masculine and feminine pursuits. Strong and decisive and creative and nurturing. I’m building my masculine muscle.
I was just thinking the same thing regarding men that attract me — they exercise a fair amount of masculine and feminine.
Thank you S for your thoughtful comments. They are so appreciated. 🙂
You’re developing that side, your strength side. It seems combined in you with revelation – acceptance – strength – flex (my perception). It is a privilege to watch you bloom, and encourage others at the same time. Always remember to take a breather for you too, as well.
Thank you, balance is my worst feature, in my opinion, lol!
And as a shameless plug (hope you don’t mind!), I’ve unrolled the carpet at my photography blog this weekend as well. Now all three public projects are up and running. (http://mydigitaleyequeue.com/)
Now to juggle those, the private ones, and my day job. I think I might have to up my B-12 🙂
~S
Oh wow! Such passion and energy you have! I look forward to exploring your photo blog.:):)
I’ve not heard that before, but I think I respond better to a challenge. Don’t tell me I can’t do something, because I’ll do it just to prove you wrong. Yet I am definitely an introvert. I suppose none of us is really either/or but a combination of a multitude of things.
Thanks for contributing Ruth.:) As I wrote this piece I kept coming up with challenges that I’ve overcome over the last several years. I think the praise gave me the strength and energy to move forward and through them. I also think that I, like you, don’t like to be told what I cannot do, particularly if it involves something that related to a deep value of mine.
loved this article. thank you! I posted a link in my facebook so others can connect to your writing and insight. I’ve been following you for a while and i feel we’ve been walking the path together… Would love to connect with you. Thank you!
I checked out your website Claudia but couldn’t find you on Facebook. I like your work.:) Thanks for sharing and commenting.