Tyler approached me after my Myers Briggs presentation in his high school classroom. A tall young African-American man with long limbs and a wide smile, he’d asked engaging questions and made validating eye contact with me during my speech. There were a couple of other head- nodders and eye-contact holders in the class (Thank God for them!) but Tyler stood out. He had sincerity and a calming nature. As we spoke afterwards, he told me his father was encouraging him to get a business degree but he felt drawn to a field where he could help people. As an INFJ (Myers Briggs personality type), he definitely embodied the diplomatic communication skills of the Idealist temperament (NF) and the reflective skills of the introvert (I). He even mentioned carefully choosing the people in his life — keeping some close and letting some go. I praised him for his incredible self-awareness at such a young age. He thanked me for the information I imparted during my presentation.
I left the classroom just before the school bell chimed and hoards of kids flooded the hallways. I walked out into the brisk sunshine and noticed a significant uptick in my energy level. Perhaps it was because I was done with my presentations for the day (I had given one at 7:30AM as well), but I think it had more to do with the feeling of making a difference in someone’s life and the deep resonance I felt talking with Tyler. Every once in a while, I meet someone whose vibe is completely in line with mine. There is a warm, smooth, feeling of complete mutual understanding and enlightenment that is palpable and uplifting. The connection is somewhat spiritual. I feel absolutely at home and at ease, a soul mate connection.
Soul mate definitions
I have two seemingly contradictory views of the phrase soul mates. Both types of soul mate encourage personal evolution through relationship (not necessarily a romantic relationship). I think of soul mates as individuals who are either exactly on the same page as you temperament and values-wise therefore validating your very being or as individuals who are vastly different from you temperament-wise but meant to be a part of your life in order to teach you something.
In the above classroom situation with Tyler it obviously was not a romantic soul mate connection, but it was a meaningful meeting of two spiritually similar temperaments. I see you in me and me in you.
What is your temperament? 
In his book, Please Understand Me II, Dr. David Keirsey talks about four temperaments. They are based on the sixteen personality types as defined by the Myers Briggs Personality Inventory. Keirsey’s four temperaments are as follows:
Artisans (SPs): Action oriented, bold, impressive, like risk and adventure. Need freedom to follow their impulses. Usually quite skilled with tools —anything from a scalpel to a bulldozer to a fighter plane. Often athletes, actors, entrepreneurs, musicians, rescue team workers.
Guardians (SJs): Deep need to belong. Membership oriented. Dutiful, responsible, and loyal. Pillars of society. Often work in large institutions like hospitals, the government, military, churches, schools, etc. Great with logistics and following through. Accountants, family doctors, dentists, pharmacists, bankers.
Rationals (NTs):Theory based. Need competence and achievement. Calm, serious and precise in thought. Can handle complex theoretical analysis. Probing. Excellent with systems. Mathematicians, scientists, philosophers, architects, computer science, engineers.
Idealists (NFs): Relationship oriented. Live to help others reach their full potential. Authentic. Ethical. Believe in self-actualization. Good rapport with others. Excellent diplomatic skills. Excel at written and verbal expression. Social workers, therapists, psychologists, teachers, writers, ministers, group facilitators.
The introverted Idealist
I am an Idealist. If I was a sound wave I would be long wide waves of soothing tones. I prefer calm and relaxed environments where I can listen to and learn from people. I love a slow-paced lifestyle mixed with stints of excitement fueled by curiosity. My thoughts are often future-oriented. I see possibilities and try to thwart complications. I only know how to be true. I have the most difficult time playing the game (now, when I was younger this was not so). In a relationship, I cannot fake happiness, either I feel it or I don’t. You will know. I may try to sugar-coat or hide my feelings at first but they will definitely surface. I am constantly working on myself. I want beautiful relationships. I want harmony. I live for meaningful discussions with close companions. I choose my words carefully and often express myself through writing. Expression is essential for my well-being. I usually see the good in others but have a low tolerance for intolerance or meanness. If I can inspire someone, make them feel less alone or give them hope, I am in heaven.
When I meet other introverted idealists I am instantly smitten. It’s all namaste. The light in me honors the light in them. I’ve even met animals whose temperaments align with mine in this way. This is not to say that other temperaments cannot be soul mates. They certainly can, but it is a more complementary, learning based combination which sparks growth and love even, but may require more effort.
When I connect with my Idealist values or an Idealist individual it is almost effortless, my energy spikes and I feel purposeful and validated. As an introvert, I deeply appreciate ease and energy creation.
Are there individuals in your circles who especially energize you? What is your temperament? Does your significant other have the same or different temperament as you?
I am an INFJ as well. I truly appreciate your wise and insightful blog.
Yay for Idealists.:) I often assess as an INFJ, although my true type is INFP. Thank you for your kind words and for reading space2live.
Idealist – Ideal – Idea
I looked up the origin of the word “idea” last week. It comes from a Greek word which means, “to see.”
I love that. Future-oriented, seeing potential in others when they can’t see it for themselves, encouraging them, building consensus, facilitating… making them feel “seen” …. understood.
Kudos to Tyler for an amazing grasp of self-knowledge. I envy him! I went down the path of my father’s recommendation for the business degree. So I guess I’m like a fish that’s learned how to climb trees really well. But God, it wears me out. It feels so unnatural.
I wish there were more blogs with men talking about NF traits. Maybe I should start one. No offense, but I’m getting a little tired of relating to women on traits like ours.
Where are all the dudes?
I’m an Idealist. I’m an INFJ.
I don’t have people in in my circles that are NFs. My wife is a classic Artisan. Communication is a hard and difficult chore if my aim is to be understood. So it’s a feeling of either being constantly drained, or mutually walking on eggshells to keep the peace, or just keeping a lid on what I’m really thinking/feeling since it won’t likely be received… active listening is non-existant around here.
I used to think that the problem was language: she’s French and we speak French at the house… but I know better now.
Her friend who is an INFP, I’m sure, is like a breath of fresh air. Communication is easy, effortless, energizing… and it’s in French, to boot. I don’t even need to complete a full idea, before realizing that the intuitive leap has been made, filling in the gaps & reading between the lines with complete understanding which always gets communicated back to me. It feels incredible.
There’s no romantic attraction, but I really do appreciate the reciprocity of feeling understood so easily and effortlessly. It’s like night and day.
I need to find more people like that.
Your ‘Where are the dudes?” made me laugh.:) I have a few male friends who are NFs and definitely have NF male readers. I recommend you checkout out chehawstation.wordpress.com. I get a strong NF vibe from him. My writing group is a predominantly NF. Perhaps you should start a blog or writing group for intuitive feeling dudes.
I love the origin of the word idea. It’s perfect!
We Idealists do have a hard time matching up romantically. I was married to a Guardian. I think I liked the stability and follow through that comes with a Guardian but deep connection was missing. Your Artisan wife should at least have the flexibility of the P(receiving) in common with your type. Isabel Myers Briggs did a study years and years ago on married couples. The results showed that the second letter (S or N) in a person’s type is the most important to have in common with their partner. It’s how you see the world. It gives you a common language. I know what it is like to find a person outside your marriage who validates you and makes you feel completely understood. It’s a rush and comforting. Sadly, it often shines a light on the lack of connection with your spouse. Don’t focus on that. Focus on differentiating. Put energy into your own personal development and encourage your wife to do the same. My new strong belief is that air (space) puts the fire back into a relationship. Plus doing something you find fulfilling will give you energy.
I’m cheering for your awesome self-actualization Brett. You have such amazing self-awareness and intuitive insight. Use your powers for good my friend.:) Thanks for your wonderful input. Always great to hear from you.
Thank you for your wonderful reply.
If we ever had an Idealists convention, I imagine we’d all be walking around greeting and warmly saluting one another like the tribe of aliens in the movie Avatar saying, “I see you.”
Thanks for “seeing” me.
I remember that scene from Avatar! That movie really resonated with me spiritually. I definitely ‘see’ you.:)
You write so beautifully about the experience of connecting with others like you. I’m also an introverted idealist and I know very few people who are similar. It’s something I want and need to change in my life, though seeking out new friends can be challenging for me. Thank you once again for your inspiring words.
I’ve found I meet other idealists when I am out doing what I love – hanging out with writers, doing presentations in schools, taking in art exhibits. Once I found a few idealists they led me to others.:) We are a rare breed, less than 10% of the population. Rationals are the rarest though. Thanks for your kind words and readership Catherine.