It’s the first week of summer vacation. The kids are home every day. My mom-friend and I decided we feel scattered. There is no routine or structure, just reacting to everyone’s current needs. Alone time is found in short drives to pick up kids and while folding sheets in the laundry room. If I’m lucky, I get up early and get an hour or two to write or workout. When the kids are with their dad, I am torn between getting work done or just lying on the floor, listening to music and breathing. Oh, and this week my guy is out-of-town so I actually have evenings to myself. He’ll be back this weekend. I must be recharged by then.
Please don’t touch me
In his article, Why a Mother Doesn’t Want to Be Touched, Clint Edwards talks about how his wife, a mother of three young children, gets touched out. At the end of a day where she has been clung to, clawed at and boogered up by the kids, she needs at least an hour to herself without being touched. He, on the other hand, after a long day at work interacting formally and at a distance with co-workers, wants nothing more than to rest and relax in the embrace of his wife’s arms.
Sound familiar?
I know I experienced the exact same scenario with my former husband when the kids were young. I flinched when he entered the house at the end of the day. I was hyper-sensitive to any external stimulation. His hugs made me tense up. I just wanted to be left the hell alone. I relished cooking by myself and resented his too close presence. As an introvert, I don’t think there is anything I could have done at the time to eliminate that feeling. As a slightly wiser older woman, I can at least appreciate his perspective now. I have a better understanding of touch as a love language.
It’s a tough impasse. For the sake of ease, I am going to use the wife as the childcare giver and the husband as the physical affection seeker. The roles could definitely be reversed. If the wife surrenders to the husband and acquiesces all of his physical advances, then she may never get the break she requires to rejuvenate. If the husband walks away and leaves the wife to her internet surfing or solo cooking, then he feels rejected and possibly resentful.
How to get through relationship gridlock
In case you haven’t figured it out yet, relationships are designed to help you grow as a person. Gridlock situations like this can only be avoided for so long, then they have to be handled. As I mentioned in, How to Handle the Fluctuations in Emotional Security and Closeness Within a Relationship, working through gridlock involves the process of differentiation. Differentiation means maintaining personal integrity while maintaining a close relationship. It’s not easy. You have to self-confront and self-soothe.
Self-confronting: How are you contributing to the problem and why are you doing that? In my case, I had mushy boundaries when it came to my children and my husband. I wanted so badly to be the Energizer bunny mother and wife that I pushed myself until I became demonic. I couldn’t say, I need adult connection and meaningful discussions to feel human and whole again. I need time to myself and meaningful work outside of the family in order to have the energy and desire for a physical relationship. I did not know how to express my needs in a respectful and clear manner. I complained and grew distant instead of working to make myself a respectable and better partner. I focused on my discontent and everyone’s contribution to it, instead of fortifying myself.
Self-soothing: How can you take care of yourself so your partner can enjoy you? My first recommendation is to know yourself and create boundaries that make you a better person. Identifying as an introvert was a huge breakthrough for me. Knowing I was not alone in my sensitivity buoyed my confidence and knowledge regarding what I need to be at my best (solitude, meaningful work and words). This self-awareness allowed me to base my self-image on what I know rather than how others see and treat me. I could no longer blame them for my unhappiness. Once I understood myself, it was pertinent to express my needs respectfully to the key players in my life.
Doing this required acknowledging that we were out of synch sometimes (like the physical affection conflict) and that was OK. Disagreeing was (and still is most of the time) disturbing to me. I have this belief that if my partner and I are disconnected then we are doomed to fail, but intellectually I know that disconnection is normal. No one is in agreement 100% of the time. Just knowing this provides relief when I am present enough to remember it.
A third way to self-soothe is to take matters into your own hands and administer self-care. Self-care does not mean withdrawal or complaining for hours to your friends. It can mean creating something that makes you feel proud; relaxing by reading, taking a bath, meditating or working in the yard or connecting with important people.
Knowing who I was outside of my role in the family; understanding it was OK to be out of synch with my husband; being able to do what I needed to do to recharge as an introvert and a clear understanding of touch as a love language, would have gone a long way to increase my acceptance and participation in my husband’s need for physical connection. Unfortunately, we were not able to get to that level of relationship wisdom.
Summer love
As I go through the kid-filled, sensory overwhelming season of summer, I am cognizant of the possibility of becoming touched out. I have a wonderful man returning to me this weekend who will, no doubt, arrive ready to connect in every way.
I have been clear from the start about my introverted nature and what that entails.
I will do my best not to freak out if we are on different pages regarding physical connection.
I called close friends the other night in order to fill my friendship well.
I am taking time tonight to write and complete meaningful work.
I have a deeper understanding of touch as a way to feel and show love thanks to my man’s clear expression of this need.
To be honest, at this point I am looking forward to being in his arms.
Do you ever need a break from physical touch? How do you handle too much touch?
If this piece resonated or affected you in a meaningful way, I would truly appreciate it if you would share it with others who may benefit.
Thank you,
Brenda
We have been married for 45 years. It has been a battle everyday. My husband is an introvert. I had never heard this word. In my backward upbringing and schooling, never heard of it from anywhere. We have been separated for almost 4 years because (as I know now) of a terrible anger caused by me ( the wife) wanting more affection and interaction. We talk on the phone often now. How can he be so forgiving. I even went so far to have him put in jail for physical abuse at one of the low points. Well I pushed to hard and to fast for affection and fast answers, and he didn’t not want to hear about any of my problems as he does not want involved in any conflict. He was pushed to his limit. We do love each other and want to live together again. I don’t know how he can forgive me. I think I understand him a lot more now. This has been unbelievable life. I hurt a very kind, forgiving and loving in his own way, human being. I am very ashamed. Tell me how to make our life better. Will it even work?
Dear Sheryl, I heard a lot of self-blame in your comment. I sincerely hope you are not taking the blame for physical abuse. His anger is his anger. It is up to him to work through it. It sounds like you guys had a pattern of attack and withdraw. This is a very common pattern. I wrote about it here. https://brendaknowles.com/alone-inadequate-feel-relationship-conflict/. Conflict is an inevitable part of relationships but the goal is to work through them to become stronger together. If you live together again, you will undoubtedly get to the same point of frustration and attacking/anger. Find out what the unmet needs of each of you are. Those need to be addressed to stop the battling. Good luck. I would continue working on the relationship from separate homes. Physical abuse and verbal abuse are too dangerous and toxic to risk.
I’ve been reading your site for the last several hours and it has resonated with me more deeply than I could have anticipated. I’ve always known I’ve needed time alone and for several years as a teenager I got lost in online chatting. I know now after almost 40 years that I’ve always been an introvert. My wife and I very recently have separated and I’m typing this from my parents house as this was my only option. As I’ve grown older, my circle of friends is practically non-existent. This article particularly is what pushed me to share.
I have always preferred to be alone and some years are better than others. After 15 years of marriage, I’m now extremely concerned that its all going to end because 1- I’m an extreme introvert and 2- I’ve never been able to properly express the feelings in my head to others. The urge in me is so strong to avoid energy draining confrontation and conversation I just silence myself and withdraw. I think my wife figured this out only a few years into the marriage and has tolerated it only to now, being an extrovert, demand that something change.
At this point I’m hesitant to share this site with her to help her understand where I’m coming from as I should be able to at least talk to her about some of these feelings. Every attempt has failed and ended up making things worse when I’ve made the effort. Do you have any advice, or anyone for that matter, on how I can approach this to at least convey why I am the way I am without it coming across the wrong way? I’m desperate at this point as I don’t want to leave my wife and daughter behind.
Hello Andrew. I would definitely use some of the posts on space2live as a neutral offering of understanding. Make it clear that you are not trying to make excuses for your behavior but that you want to use my words as a way of expressing what you could not. Tell her it is important to you that she have some understanding of what makes you tick and what causes your withdrawal. It may help her take your withdrawal less personally. You are going to have to be vulnerable. You are going to have to show that you are willing to work with her regarding your differences. You want to honor and appreciate her needs and yours. You have different ways of self-soothing but that’s OK. You will not always be in synch but that is manageable too. I think there is a breakthrough on the horizon for you. Keep on fostering your self-awareness. Don’t use introversion as an excuse to withdraw but do let it help you create key boundaries. I would suggest reaching out to family or friends from the past. Relationships outside the marriage can help foster your wholeness. Use the riff with your wife as a channel for growth for both of you AND your relationship. I feel for you. I understand you. If you want more private guidance email me at space2live@yahoo.com.
I easily get touched-out too. I can’t be around huggers very long. Honestly though, I don’t remember my kids being overly touchy when they were little (unless I have blissfully put those memories out of my head? 🙂 ) Sure, they liked hugs and to hold hands, but I don’t remember them being clingy or clawing at me. And in the summer when they were home every day, they had plenty of other kids to play with in the neighborhood, so they were often not home.
I think I’m really lucky to have a boyfriend who is also an introvert. He is just as demanding of his alone “don’t touch me” time as I am. And we’ve learned how to communicate that need. We talked about this a lot when we first got together and we learned that it was okay to be out of synch sometimes, because we knew we’d come back together at some point. It doesn’t last forever. My ex was the opposite. He wanted my attention all the time (except when there was a football game on lol). He got really upset once when I took a one night vacation alone away from home. He didn’t understand it, and he actually picked a fight with me on the phone when I called that night to say goodnight to my kids. We never learned to communicate that need to each other. Sad really, and one reason (but not the only reason) we aren’t together anymore.
It seems we have traveled and are traveling similar paths LB. I’m glad you found a boyfriend who communicates in your language. I like that you both understand it’s OK to be out of synch sometimes. I am learning and accepting that lesson slowly. Thanks again for sharing. Your insight deeply resonates with me.
I find it’s the person I’m with that can make me like or dislike touch (regardless of the type of touch). Partners that have the vibe of “wanting” make me shriek away because of the “take” young children have. Those people that give and take dont bother me so much.
Those who can offer me words (which are my love language) I can respond with touch. No words no desire to reciprocate with touch. I only came out of lurking because I felt that maybe that would help a fellow introvert understand themselves better.
I’m so glad you came out of lurking.;) I think you made a valid point. I am now considering if I appreciate touch more if it comes from a good communicator. I think I do. I also agree the “I need this/you” vibe when it comes to touch leaves me particularly cold. If it is mutual and warm physical affection packaged with meaningful communication/interactions then it is much more enjoyable. Thank you for your beautiful insight!!
This is incredibly timely for me, as I have a daughter and a boyfriend who are extroverts and “touchers.” My boyfriend especially likes to rub, pat, squeeze, and fondle me and I get to the point where I have to shrug him off because I can’t stand it anymore. I feel bad because I love him and it seems so unfair to someone who needs the constant touching to feel connected. At the end of the day, after I put my 7-year old to bed, I am pretty desperate to be alone: no talking and no touching. How in the world can we have a future together? It leaves me feeling disconnected from him, and feeling as though I may have to grow old alone because of my need for space and solitude. I feel no one will understand this. He says he does, but the reality is that it takes a lot of “down time” for me to be ready to be inundated with talking and touching again, and I don’t know how our relationship will hold up against that. It’s good to know that I am not alone in this issue though.
You are definitely not alone. Little children can be especially stimulating and draining and there is nothing you can do about it. As a mother, I understand all too well. I can tell you that it gets better as the kids get older. I find myself with a quieter house and more independent children. They spend more time in their rooms or with friends.
I have also been in your shoes regarding a ‘touchy’ partner. At the end of the day it can feel like you’ve been tickled too long. I have found that longer more sensual stroking is not as annoying as constant pats and rubs. Just a little tidbit I’ve gleaned.;) I also have found that I am more receptive to touching in the morning. It’s as if my system resets and can handle stimulation again.
I worried too that I would have to grow old alone. I eventually reframed that thought into ‘How do I want to live my life if I am alone forever?’ I started thinking about all of the things I wanted to do and see. I thought about career choices that would excite me. I made plans with my friends. Then I found a man who could handle me.;)
Thanks for sharing your story. It’s a familiar one.
I love what you said about being more receptive to touch in the morning. This might be something I try.
I too, have a very affectionate partner. We don’t have kids, but in my new job, I have to talk talk talk a lot–always playing ambassador with other departments and I’m spending a LOT of energy to achieve some apart-from-work professional goals. This also requires a lot of talking and being “on,”
When I come home, truly, the last thing I want to do is cuddle and talk. And I feel terrible about this. I’ve been using the mornings to do some extra work and get a jump on my day. But I’m wondering now if I might try doing that extra push at night and letting the mornings be a little date time.
I highly recommend it! Or another way to fit in some intimacy while you still have energy — go to bed really early. You can be close and intimate with your partner for a while and then get up and finish any other work you feel you have to get done for the day. 🙂