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Brenda has truly opened up a space for introverted types on the ‘net, and her self-revelations are always inspiring. Her voice is one I always look forward to. She is one of the writers that actually played a part in my return to writing.  — S.E. of Sunflower Solace Farms
S.E. of Sunflower Solace Farms
THANK YOU….. you just summed up my swirling thoughts into something i can read with out everything else in my head meshing with it. I finally feel like i can explain what happens within without getting distracted. I’m an Introvert with ADD and it makes it so hard to explain quite what im feeling sometimes. — M.G. on space2live
M.G.
your depth of understanding, and talent at sharing it amaze me. Speechless… and for your sharing of it.. Thank you… deeply. *sigh, its like coming back into my body through acceptance….. Sherrie on space2live
Sherrie
You’re so honest in your writing. It’s bold. It’s frank. It’s wonderful. I could definitely see the work you are doing here as a useful book. It could save/make a lot of relationships! — Jimmi Langemo
Jimmi Langemo
I met Brenda and took the MBTI… I had a fairly good understanding of these types before the meeting but was impressed by the depth of knowledge that Brenda shared with me. She clearly has a passion for this work and a gift in imparting the information. There have been doors opened for me because of our talks… — Alan Hintermeister
Alan Hintermeister
For the first time in my life I could truly explain, through your words the way in which I experience life and myself. Brenda… It all fell into place. I had found myself and had such a moment of clarity. It felt like such a big weight was lifted off of my shoulders. Finally I felt like it was ok to be me. I was not the only one. I had found people and a little space where I fit in. … I was at work and crying on the inside. Emotions ran wild inside me. I was ecstatic, sad, confused, motivated, i…
Niko
Your site has saved my sanity and my life. Maybe even my marriage. I work part time and have two young boys at home, my husband is supportive of me but until recently I thought I was going crazy. … Reading your writing not only inspires me to pick up the pen again, but gives me nourishment in the deepest places. I will fight for balance. Everything you write is spot on… And wellness is so incredibly multifaceted.  I was ready to give up hope, but understanding myself through your words is bring…
J.K.
During one of the harder times in my life I found Brenda’s website
and reached out to her. To say the least it has been one of the best
decisions I have made. Being an extrovert I never quite understood
what it meant to romantically involved with an introvert. Brenda does
an incredible job listening, giving in the moment feedback, and helped
me understand the how an introvert functions. She helped explain to me
that I am introspective extrovert, and this gave something to identify
with and allowed me t…
Evan H.
Thank you for all the words. You’ve created the magic drug I’ve been looking for all my life. Your blog has transformed my life, and I feel like I am on the brink of a most satisfying fulfilling journey…You’ve made me see everything in a new light. I now feel calmer, able to care better for my toddler, less hateful of people around, and hopeful for my future. I am not so afraid for our marriage anymore. — Shilpa CB
Shilpa CB
Your words are my lifeline.  I sit down to your posts and as I read I can feel my acceptance of myself and my needs grow.  Your words validate my feelings about my life, motherhood, relationships and it is something I hold onto.  And during the times when I feel like I am not able to be a mother or a wife or a sister or a friend or whatever someone needs me to be, I go back to your words and find some peace…I send your posts to my husband when I need him to understand that I love him but I need …
D.R.

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Walking on Eggshells: The Relationship Hazard of Being Too Careful

Photo via Pixabay

Do you and your partner never fight but never connect intimately either? Do you feel like you give and give but don’t get much in return? Do you constantly worry about upsetting your partner? If you feel like it is extremely important to keep the peace at home, it is possible you and/or your spouse are walking on eggshells.

The problem with being too careful

Sometimes we are too careful with other’s hearts. We put our partner first but don’t actively engage with them. We mold ourselves to the values we perceive they have but don’t really know their values.

We do this to avoid conflict. We do this because we are afraid. What if their values or needs don’t align with ours? What if they don’t care about our most important topics? Isn’t it better to maintain harmony or maintain blissful ignorance?

No, because intimacy is lost when we don’t inquire to know their real selves or share our own values. We keep things safe and surface, but not sensual, truthful or vulnerable. We think we’re being considerate but we’re really limiting our relationship’s growth.

Walking on eggshells makes us dread time with our partners. No one likes to feel inhibited or afraid. We may avoid toxic dialogue but we also avoid relaxation and real closeness.

No fighting does not equal harmony

I have years of experience with the eggshell walk. My ex-husband and I probably both thought we were being civil and mature by not yelling or fighting.

When values are not mutual

I subconsciously followed his lead when it came to family values. His extended family seemed so successful with their professional careers and lack of divorces. I assumed his values were more socially correct and respectable than mine, so I lived by them too. I also encouraged our kids to adopt them.

Withdrawal is worse than walking on eggshells? 

Toward the end of the marriage, I felt more and more sad. I had suppressed my family and personal values. All of that careful walking— guarding other’s ideals and feelings —made me feel lonely. But instead of talking it over with my husband, I withdrew. I talked about it with others, but I pulled back from him.

I once again avoided showing my feelings, because the reigning values in our home emphasized finances and success over feelings and failure.

I also knew my feelings would hurt his feelings.

Needless to say, all of this tip-toeing only caused my husband and me to grow more and more distant and unhappy.

From careful to careless

I eventually hit my tip-toeing tipping point. I became more vocal with my discontent. I stomped on those eggshells and surprised the heck out of my husband. He had assumed I was 100% on board with the lifestyle and values we embodied, and why wouldn’t he believe that? I had kept the peace and nodded my head for years.

Now, instead of being too careful with others’ hearts I was too careless. I let the pendulum swing very far the other way and crushed any chance we had to correct our avoidant behavior and subsequent suffering.

Get in there and care

According to Dr. John Demartini, the key is to aim for caring, instead of careful or careless. Dr. Demartini is the author of forty books on personal and behavioral development. Caring relationships involve two people who actively engage with themselves and with each other. Caring couples know and honor each other’s highest values, while still maintaining their own values.

As I describe in my book, The Quiet Rise of Introverts, we mature as humans by developing independence and ultimately, interdependence. Interdependence means valuing and relying on our own integrity and wholeness, while honoring and depending on the same in another person.

Interest and intimacy evolve from caring, sharing and honoring each other’s values and feelings. Too much focus on the other person and we are walking on eggshells, missing out on full connection.

Are values honored fairly in your home? Does one person often give in to keep the peace? Do you feel like you are walking on egg shells with one of your key relationships? 

 

 

 

 

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