Garth Brooks
Years ago I watched a Larry King interview with country music legend, Garth Brooks. Garth spoke openly about the reasons for his retirement in 2001. His first marriage was ending. He’d been on the road for months at a time and hadn’t been a good partner. He felt guilty for not being home with his babies (three daughters) 24/7. He felt a keen need to be a soccer dad. Larry King deftly asked Garth if he intended to return to concert touring once his daughters are in college. Garth’s sincere reply,…To get to tour for the first time ever in my life with no guilt,…Oh, my God. You talk about fun.
Writing and Mommy Guilt
I felt a kinship with Garth as he spoke of the yoke of guilt he dreamed of hanging up. On a smaller scale, I feel that heaviness every time I sit in front of my laptop to write. I’m not out on the road for months but I am in a different world. As much as possible, I write when the family is away at school and work. Admittedly, my heart and mind are stringing words 24/7.
Last Thursday our oldest son, Bryce, stayed home from school with a headache, queasy stomach and deep desire to watch episodes of The Office. I strongly believe in mental health days but Thursday is MY mental health day. I carefully reserve it every week for reading, writing, daydreaming and solitude. Feeling my territory being invaded, I blurted out, Why couldn’t you be sick on another day? I keep Thursdays for writing. The sting of hurt showed up around Bryce’s eyes. The burst of shame darkened my insides.
The day moved along with both of us finding some satisfaction. We read E.B. White together until he was distracted by a Nerf gun. We ate a BBQ chicken lunch despite his queasy stomach. He laid on the couch and watched The Office. I went into the study and typed random thoughts.
Behind the study doors guilt nibbled at my creativity and gnawed on my good-mom standards. I should be out watching T.V. with Bryce, rubbing his back and spoon-feeding him Jello. How did Garth Brooks move thousands of fans in sold-out arenas with so much guilt weighing on him?
Let’s Talk Passions
Bryce and I eventually came to an understanding during a conversation about fireworks. Bryce loves fireworks. He loves the Fourth of July as much as his birthday. In fact, he would pass on a family vacation in order to stay home and do fireworks in our driveway. He is afraid he won’t have access to bottle rockets anywhere else. He didn’t have any qualms about his preference for fireworks over family until we explained that family comes first. Yes, that’s right we made him feel guilty.
I explained to him that writing is my fireworks. It’s a love that causes me to stray from family, but never permanently. I play with writing, get all lit up and return to my loved ones ready to ooh and aah with them.
As I see it, the world needs us to do what we love, be at home within ourselves. Music should be made, stories should be shared, spirits should soar. I’m not saying get drunk on passions and be irresponsible. I’m saying drink a cocktail of self-care and dreams and listen for guilt to say last call. Don’t let guilt take away your keys and leave you powerless. See it simply as a reminder to get back home to the world outside of you, the world where ideas slip in and external love waits.
Larry King closed the interview by telling Garth, You’re one of the best people I know. Garth looked genuinely surprised.
C’mon Garth time to lose the guilt.
How would you shine if guilt weren’t an issue? Do you allow yourself to follow your bliss?
This post originally ran on March 18, 2011 as Touring Without Guilt. It was slightly updated on March 20, 2012.
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Hi Bren–I do enjoy your writing, you never stop amazing mme with this, new found talent!! Go for it in any way, I’m not a great critic, but I’m here for you!!
Thank you so much! Your support and reading mean the world to me.:) No need to be a critic. You are who you are, that’s more than enough.:)
I just love your honesty and insight. Your words tell what every mother must feel, but often won’t admit.
Keep up the great writing! Love aunt viv
It’s what I know and feel.:) Writing is my outlet. Thanks for reading Viv. I really appreciate your comments.:)
I would never have wanted my parents to play the role of perfect parents…whatever perfect means. In fact, the bumpy ride called ‘my childhood’ forced me to go inwards for answers and I believe it played a big part in my current state of peace and acceptance. I can’t imagine a more stifling feeling than a parent who would have made me their only joy and center of their Universe. If anything it’s healthy to see your parents getting lost in following their own bliss and passions. In doing so they usually allow the child to have the space needed to mature inwardly. I grew up with a distant mother who was obsessed with money and a father who took on 3 kids by himself making him a bundle of stress and nerves that could go off at any moment. Somehow we managed and in my opinion thrived while I watched friends in ‘normal’ situations suffer ‘nurture-shock’ and had to start from scratch once they left the house. So I come to the question, when did all this guilt in parenting begin?
I don’t think it’s healthy to have a parent’s happiness and a child’s happiness so intertwined they are indistinguishable. That’s a lot of pressure on both sides.
I knew my parents were there for me but I also felt they had their own grown-up world. As kids, we played with friends or by ourselves. It was OK for our parents to say Go outside! I also went inward, which I am grateful for because now I know I can be fulfilled from within.
Child-focused time, totaled for both parents, was 13 hours a week in 1965 and had fallen to 11 hours a week in 1985. But it had risen to 20 hours per week by 2005. – Steve Biddulph, Raising Boys
The guilt in parenting is age-old but maybe it took a jump in the early 2000’s (based on the above statistic;). The rise in child focused hours is largely due to the increased involvement of fathers.
Thanks for sharing Mike. Your comment spoke volumes.:)
I’m enjoying your blog, don’t feel guilty, you need to expand your wonderful gift of writing-passion!
Thanks so much!! I don’t think I can stop writing at this point.:)
There was a time when THE WALTONS graced TV, and I took to it: I realized I had the writing virus, unashamedly willing to bleed all my colors. I was maudlin, and life was ecstasy. I was Thomas Wolfe and E.B. White and wild about Mailer and Salinger and Updike and all the unknown books I hungered for. God speed, Brenda.
It is so thrilling to lose and find yourself in the written page.:) Writers become friends.:)
A window into your soul. It made me simle on the inside.