A former hairstylist of mine once said, When a client comes in wanting a new hairstyle, I always know there are changes brewing in their everyday life as well. So… when I decided to grow my hair out a titch and skip a haircut I had a feeling change was in the air.
Over the last few months I have not felt all that strong or vibrant. I have been relying on others to make me happy and because that is impossible, I have been frustrated and dejected. I had fallen into my old habit of letting others lead rather than self-directing my life. Well… I’m done with that funk.
From Funk to Free
What woke me up? One afternoon of solitude and an insightful remark from a close friend.
Financial and personal re-hashing with my ex-husband, emotional struggles and everyday activities with my children, late night boyfriend talks, and home maintenance were the drivers of my life. They drove and I was hog-tied and thrown in the trunk. There was little space for me to connect with the real me – the one that exists internally. The one that has ideas, connects with all and is solid in her way of being. Not only was I counting on others to lift my spirits but I was allowing them to step on and kick my spirit to the curb. At the same time I desperately wanted to make everyone giddy with joy and security. I was running on empty and running in circles.
But then, I had a few hours to myself.
During those few hours I read this post on love and this post on solitude. Not only did I re-connect with my introverted self but I immersed myself in a like-minded community. I felt freedom, truth and belonging in one sitting. In this peace time I was able to un-fuzz my mind and find traction on the fertile ground of self-exploration. I needed to get out of the co-dependent quicksand and LIVE by my own strengths.
Match.com, Biking and Sheep
When I was on Match.com I noticed a phenomenon I’ll call biking syndrome. Almost every man of a certain socio-economic level listed biking as their passion or at the very least, favorite form of exercise. That’s great, and in most cases the truth, but also very generic. Had they all went through some sort of divorced hipster school of cycling or is biking just the shiz among modern-day yuppies? Do most women respond to biking like 
cats to catnip or do men think because they own a bike that it’s OK to list biking as a hobby? I am not into biking/cycling but appreciate its fitness and environmental benefits. Even so, I got a little disappointed feeling when I saw biking under the Interests category. Because it was such a common answer I felt the men who claimed it were more sheep-like than singular.
Well, I was doing my own version of baaing and bleating through life and needed a boot in my wooly butt. My best friend gave it to me. One night after listening to me whine about feeling bleh and unsure, she said, You used to be strong and now you are letting others push you around. You were doing your own thing and not caring what others thought. You haven’t been that girl in a while.
Ouch. What happened to the woman who wrote this and this? I was no longer leading my life. I was chasing it into an unsatisfying stupor. I was letting others tell me how I should live. I was listening because their ways and methods lined up with the majority of society’s views. It’s easier and more readily accepted to be like everyone else — a sheep. I sought the comfort of the herd. If I were a guy, I’d be into biking.
Women are supposed to enjoy being needed. We are supposed to need others. I fall short on both counts but over the last few months I had been trying to meet others’ expectations.
It’s expected and involuntary to respond to all the tugs on your skirt. It’s life-giving but questioned when you hike up that skirt and run free through the streets in the direction of your ideas.
When we feel stuck, going nowhere–even starting to slip backward–we may actually be backing up to get a running start.
~ Dan Millman via Sensophy
Invest in Yourself
Bye bye victim. Hello spearheading. Leading requires some level of clarity for me. I have to 
get clear on what I want and who I am. My afternoon of solitude reminded me of how to do that. My personal truths and beliefs surfaced and I wrote, Introvert’s Love Affair with Solitude: Will It Always Be Taboo? My most popular post yet.
Once I felt out and away from the pack, making strides in my own direction, I began to put together what I need to spearhead my life.
Dr. Laura Markham of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids says you have to fill your cup up first in order to calmly and lovingly parent. Parenting is an arena where I feel tremendous pressure to be one of the herd but I also vehemently believe that content parents raise content children.
Necessities for Proactive Living or What Fills My Cup:
Community: A support system of non-judgmental, yet insightful individuals who understand my thinking and witness my experiences. They are fun, encouraging and inspiring. Conversations are seamless and effortless. Their presence is a warm embrace and a ride home. With them I am at home.
Solitude: Time alone to figure things out. As an introvert I process everything deeply. This takes time and energy. If constantly surround by noise, people and stimulation then my thoughts are not fully formed. I absolutely must have space to make associations, gain clarity, create and heal. I must have solitude to be at my best.
Exercise: Working out is as much for my body as it is for my mind. I often find solitude during a run or a strength training session. Strenuous exercise produces endorphins. I need endorphins for energy and positivity.
Learning: I had a dream a month ago that woke me in the middle of the night asking, What are you learning? I am a growth and learning junkie. I need mental and emotional stimulation that moves me. I am always searching for bits of humanity that I can weave into meaning.
All of the above elements had been seriously limited over the last few months. My cup was almost empty. In the last week I have tapped all of the above for energy and proactive living. I took the reigns again and stopped letting others influence my actions. I re-claimed my spirit. I get to be the black sheep. I get to change my hairstyle.
Are you leading or following? Are you content?
If you would like help spearheading your life, please contact me for personal empowerment coaching. I’d love to work with you.
If you enjoyed this post you may also like:
How to Protect and Liberate Your Energy: A Guide for Introverts and Anyone Who Feels Drained (space2live)
Introvert Relationships: Love Me or Leave Me but Please Don’t Need Me (Too Much) (space2live)
How to Be Lively, Energetic, and Vibrant When Your True Nature is Thoughtful, Introverted and Reticent (space2live)
fun post, Brenda. almost 3.5 years ago. it’s fun to see how we shift and change … and how basic parts of us don’t at all. we shift and change, i think we hope, into more of who we are.
i was thinking earlier as i was driving. how, in some relationships, there’s the thinking that the idea is to please the other. i don’t think that way. my idea is that we offer freedom to each other, to be who we really are, or at least who we are at the moment. freedom. it’s about freedom.
do i need someone, anyone, to please me? no. to understand that i need, and will ultimately have, my freedom? yes. that’s pretty big.
and if offering freedom to someone — safe with the knowing that this freedom is not a threat to the relationship; instead, it makes it (or should make it) much stronger — isn’t pleasing to that person (whoever that person is) … then what i offer, isn’t really of value to that person.
some people are afraid of freedom. some people seek it.
i have two pups. since their coming into my world 13 years ago, i have always walked them without a leash. i have always known what it meant, too: freedom. it was my symbolic way of saying, ‘freedom.’ above all, freedom. if love does not offer freedom, then I think it is not love. it is needing. it is other things. and it is not love. we can call it love. and if it does not free the other to be whoever he or she is … it’s not a love i want or need, or offer.
came across this post that i am responding to, on Facebook. it’s nice to write about these things. it’s always neat, too, to see who we were 3.5 years ago, and how we’re basically that same person today … 🙂 and yes, that’s a beautiful thing — who we are. let’s keep having some fun with all this stuff!
I definitely appreciate freedom in a relationship but now I like it mixed with interdependence. I find authenticity vital but I also like to know I have a responsive partner who is not so autonomous and free that he doesn’t give to the relationship. It can be an ebb and flow but not too one or the other. I wanted freedom in my marriage and couldn’t get it. I fell for a man post-divorce and he wanted so much freedom the relationship dissolved. I’m learning the space/freedom issue is something subjective to each relationship and something to be worked on together. Thanks for your insight and perspective Michael. I’m always learning from you.
it is subjective. different for each person and relationship. we have different needs. i think often, we hardly know what our own needs are.
there’s the adage about let the bird go, and fly away. if he returns to you, he is yours. if he doesn’t, he wasn’t meant to be. something like that.
some people need freedom more than others. and that’s all it really is. some don’t want it much. and what is ‘freedom’ in a relationship? of course a topic all its own.
i’ve long looked it friendships — and a love relationship should be a marvelous friendship above all — as wanting for the other, what he or she wants for himself or herself. that might involve me. it might not.
we generally don’t run from freedom, rather we run toward it, don’t you think?
one who says, i expect this and that, and i need this and that … well, it might work for some. some want those expectations and needs, because they have their own, and it becomes a tit for tat. a compromise. and that works well for some. just not for all. nothing that i know of ‘works well’ for everyone.
some people don’t like to be complimented because of how they feel about themselves. one would think anyone would love compliments. and that’s not so, either.
we keep learning … mostly about ourselves.
anyway, i go on! no need to response, Brenda! you have lots to tend to, and i appreciate very much simply the place and space to write a few words. writing has always been a kind of breath for me. thank you for letting me breathe here … 🙂