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Testimonials

I met Brenda and took the MBTI… I had a fairly good understanding of these types before the meeting but was impressed by the depth of knowledge that Brenda shared with me. She clearly has a passion for this work and a gift in imparting the information. There have been doors opened for me because of our talks… — Alan Hintermeister
Alan Hintermeister
During one of the harder times in my life I found Brenda’s website
and reached out to her. To say the least it has been one of the best
decisions I have made. Being an extrovert I never quite understood
what it meant to romantically involved with an introvert. Brenda does
an incredible job listening, giving in the moment feedback, and helped
me understand the how an introvert functions. She helped explain to me
that I am introspective extrovert, and this gave something to identify
with and allowed me t…
Evan H.
THANK YOU….. you just summed up my swirling thoughts into something i can read with out everything else in my head meshing with it. I finally feel like i can explain what happens within without getting distracted. I’m an Introvert with ADD and it makes it so hard to explain quite what im feeling sometimes. — M.G. on space2live
M.G.
That courage and dedication you so generously share with the world, has inspired me to push myself a little harder, persevere at each task a little longer, dig a little bit deeper to where the answers just “feel” right to both my humanity AND my spirit. Your insights have reinforced my direction and given me additional tools that help me clear my path. I’m wired into my creativity as never before and the new music is pouring out of me faster than I can record and produce it; this is the Un…
Gary
You’re so honest in your writing. It’s bold. It’s frank. It’s wonderful. I could definitely see the work you are doing here as a useful book. It could save/make a lot of relationships! — Jimmi Langemo
Jimmi Langemo
I have been dating an introverted man who I am very in love with for almost 2 years.  Reading your posts have helped me to be more supportive and understanding to him especially during the times when he needs space.  I just wanted to thank you for your weekly posts and let you know how helpful they are for someone who is in a relationship with an introvert. C.M. on space2live
C.M.
This is me. This is me from the day I was born. For so long I felt misunderstood and rejected, even by the people closest to me, because they could never understand my need for solitude, and I had no idea how to explain it to them. Even now that I know more about Introversion and have a more informed understanding of my hard-wired need for solitude, it’s still very difficult sometimes to help my loved ones understand this profound craving for time and space all to myself. This is one of the best…
Sharon

“I was struggling with my daughter (16 at the time) and our constant fighting. You said something to me that changed my life! You were speaking about your own situation and you said to me “my child could not handle my emotions”. This was a HUGE “lightbulb moment” for me and it forever changed the way I dealt with my emotions when I was around my daughter!

I am happy to say that things have never been better between my soon to be 18 year old daughter and myself! I honestly never thought we would…

Mom M
For the first time in my life I could truly explain, through your words the way in which I experience life and myself. Brenda… It all fell into place. I had found myself and had such a moment of clarity. It felt like such a big weight was lifted off of my shoulders. Finally I felt like it was ok to be me. I was not the only one. I had found people and a little space where I fit in. … I was at work and crying on the inside. Emotions ran wild inside me. I was ecstatic, sad, confused, motivated, i…
Niko
Thank you for all the words. You’ve created the magic drug I’ve been looking for all my life. Your blog has transformed my life, and I feel like I am on the brink of a most satisfying fulfilling journey…You’ve made me see everything in a new light. I now feel calmer, able to care better for my toddler, less hateful of people around, and hopeful for my future. I am not so afraid for our marriage anymore. — Shilpa CB
Shilpa CB

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Social Anxiety and Building Our Resilience

 woman looking down

A few years ago, I started noticing a slight hesitancy to sign my name on a credit card tablet in front of the store clerk. I also noticed that if I suddenly become the center of attention during a group conversation, I blush and feel hot, sometimes forgetting where I am going with my story. When debating (arguing?) with my son over politics, parenting or anything, I often find myself without a comeback or rebuttal to his points, despite the fact that every nerve in my body is alert and wants so badly to seem knowledgable and competent. While I did/do not like these feelings and reactions, they do not hold me back from enjoying life in general. I am uncomfortable or embarrassed for a few minutes but then the feeling passes. I forgive myself for not performing perfectly.

Forgive yourself, for sure

I owe some of that ability to get over my imperfect performances to author Brenda Ueland and her encouragement to recklessly make mistakes. She said make them doozies. The bigger the better. If we are not making mistakes we are not living real or vulnerably enough. People will find us interesting and relatable if we are honest and authentic. I expanded her message to include accepting when we are imperfect and forgiving ourselves quickly afterward.

What is social anxiety?

For many introverts, social anxiety is part of their life, although not all introverts have social anxiety. Social anxiety is a fear of being judged, criticized, embarrassed or rejected. Introversion is an innate trait based on a sensitivity to stimulation and social anxiety is a learned behavior. Social anxiety stems from experiences that taught us we don’t measure up to expectations. Scrutiny was not our friend in those instances. We fell short somehow and it was pointed out. Social anxiety disorder causes consistent distress and causes us to avoid situations, thus greatly affecting our way of living.

With social anxiety every activity/task/movement can feel like a performance. Walking across a room. Ordering food at a restaurant. Talking on the phone. All bring up a fear of negative judgment. Sometimes the fear grips us so hard we feel paralyzed, which makes it difficult to “perform” well, thus fulfilling our beliefs. eyes peeking out with hat

I don’t know what to say

One fear introverts and the socially anxious have is a fear of not having anything to say. Introverts are known to draw a blank when asked to speak extemporaneously. Anxiety and our loud inner critic can put so much pressure on us that we believe we have to deliver perfect, witty, intelligent, funny, insightful, well-positioned comments or else be ridiculed (by ourselves or by others). That kind of pressure has us sweating and speechless, confirming we are bad at conversation.

I’ve had clients tell me they had good days or bad days based on how well they talked (performed) during an interaction or conversation. The quality of their “performance” makes or breaks their day. Those with social anxiety disorder, rate their performances harshly most of the time.

Unhealthy ways we cope

Unfortunately, many people (including myself) find unhealthy ways to deal with their anxiety around social interactions.

  • They simply avoid such situations — by feigning sick, taking the long way home to avoid running into someone they know, hiding in the bathroom, etc. — and therefore miss out on what could be fulfilling experiences.
  • They depend on drugs or alcohol to loosen their tongue and create an “acceptable” and fun personality.
  • They stay in lousy relationships just to have someone familiar navigate life and do the things they find uncomfortable such as talking to salespeople or attending school functions.
  • Deflect attention from themselves by pointing to others or using humor at other’s expense.

All of these stave off stress for a while but do not build true resilience and social confidence.

Healthy ways to build social resilience

Wouldn’t it be better to learn habits that strengthen our abilities and heal our fears long-term? Here are a few ways to work with social anxiety positively and more permanently:

  • Use humor in a positive and creative way. I’ve been known to laugh, fan myself and call my intense blushing a hot flash.
  • Increase the time spent with people who make you feel safe and at ease. Decrease time with unsupportive and discouraging people.
  • Start small with little advances of social assertiveness like asking the waitress a question about the menu or smiling and saying hello to a friendly face on the bus.
  • Remember Brenda Ueland and Brenda Knowles give you permission to flounder in a conversation or accidentally drop kick your lunch bag on the way to the trash can. It’s cool to be imperfect and embarrassing situations make great stories later.
  • Desensitize with repetition and preparation. Go somewhere like the gym or library every day. Get to know the people who work there and the people who visit regularly. I worked retail for years in high school and college. I did not like talking with strangers but I learned certain phrases to use from other employees and I memorized store systems and routines so I could answer questions confidently.
  • Instead of feeling like you have to entertain or dazzle people with your sparkling wit, turn the tables and ask questions, make others the center of attention. Pretend you are a journalist for a hometown magazine. Interview others by asking open ended questions. Always keep a couple handy mentally. I like “What was your favorite part and why?” I also like to use, “Tell me more about your trip to England, hobby rebuilding classic Mustangs, fear of antiques, etc.”
  • Get help from a therapist or coach if your anxiety becomes debilitating.

Now when I take the pen dangling from the signature tablet at Target, I imagine signing “Scooby Doo” instead of my real name and it shifts my focus from the clerk observing my handwriting to something dorky.

 

Do you suffer from social anxiety? If so, what have you tried to work with it? What has been the most successful?

 

If you would like help easing your social anxiety, please contact me for personal coaching. I’d love to ease your worry and fears.

 

 

 

 

 

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6 Comments

  1. Sheket July 22, 2017 at 7:52 am - Reply

    I cracked up at the ‘Scooby’ reference 🙂

    Hope you are doing well, Brenda. Me and the little LegoMan are on the move down here, as I bought a house. Busy, busy, busy!

    • Brenda Knowles July 22, 2017 at 4:09 pm - Reply

      Wow! Good to hear from you S. Good luck getting settled in your new home. That’s exciting. Take care of yourself in the process sweet lady.

  2. Christa July 21, 2017 at 6:01 pm - Reply

    Thank you, thank you, thank you! I’m almost 50, and for years I thought all of these things I experience would just go away when I ‘grew up’. Ha! I’ve learned so much about myself from reading your blog over the last few years. I have two social situations this weekend that I have been dreading – I will definitely be attempting the ‘interview’ strategy.

    • Brenda Knowles July 22, 2017 at 4:24 pm - Reply

      Good luck with your social situations Christa! I’m so glad my blog has been helpful.:) Check out this guest post on my blog from Bennett Garner. 3 Myths that Hold Introverts Back from Meeting New People. My favorite part is when he talks about asking questions and then using the statement, “That must have been…” to show you have a sense of the feeling the speaker went through at the time. It makes people feel heard. I think it could help with your events this weekend.

  3. Frances July 21, 2017 at 4:58 pm - Reply

    Thank you Brenda for another thought-provoking (and timely for me) post! I can definitely relate to this – my personal sense of social anxiety seems rooted in over-stimulation. It’s not that I fear rejection or criticism as much as my nervous system goes into hyper-drive when my phone rings or I find myself on the spot talking before a group. I hate feeling overstimulated, so I tend to not answer that call or stop talking when these feelings take hold 🙂 But, my life it typically too stimulated being a constantly-interrupted mom of three young children. Hopefully this will get better in years to come. But for now, I try to take a deep-breathing break, and will try some of your desensitizing tips too. Thanks again!

    • Brenda Knowles July 22, 2017 at 4:15 pm - Reply

      I hear you Frances. Constant stimulation puts our nervous system on high alert all the time. Having three children definitely ups the amount of energy and interruptions in the house. I have three children and I’ve noticed many of my clients have three children as well. Three means a lot of juggling and always one ball in the air. It does get easier physically as the kids get older, but emotionally there are new horizons to explore… I hope you have a supportive partner and/or loving community. We all need some quiet time and a caring support system. Thanks for sharing your experience Frances.

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