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Testimonials

That courage and dedication you so generously share with the world, has inspired me to push myself a little harder, persevere at each task a little longer, dig a little bit deeper to where the answers just “feel” right to both my humanity AND my spirit. Your insights have reinforced my direction and given me additional tools that help me clear my path. I’m wired into my creativity as never before and the new music is pouring out of me faster than I can record and produce it; this is the Un…
Gary
I met Brenda and took the MBTI… I had a fairly good understanding of these types before the meeting but was impressed by the depth of knowledge that Brenda shared with me. She clearly has a passion for this work and a gift in imparting the information. There have been doors opened for me because of our talks… — Alan Hintermeister
Alan Hintermeister
I think I want to print out your articles and hand them out as a sort of relationship waiver form. “You want to be my friend?….You are interesting in going out? Here read this first. Sign here to acknowledge that you have read and understand the enclosed material. Thank you.” Seriously. I think it would work. — Guerin Moorman
Guerin Moorman
Thank you for all the words. You’ve created the magic drug I’ve been looking for all my life. Your blog has transformed my life, and I feel like I am on the brink of a most satisfying fulfilling journey…You’ve made me see everything in a new light. I now feel calmer, able to care better for my toddler, less hateful of people around, and hopeful for my future. I am not so afraid for our marriage anymore. — Shilpa CB
Shilpa CB
BRENDA: thank you SO much! Your advice is exactly what I need to do. I am amazed how much you “get” me after only exchanging a few messages!… Again, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You’ve helped me more than a year of therapy sessions! – Megan on space2live
Megan
Your words are my lifeline.  I sit down to your posts and as I read I can feel my acceptance of myself and my needs grow.  Your words validate my feelings about my life, motherhood, relationships and it is something I hold onto.  And during the times when I feel like I am not able to be a mother or a wife or a sister or a friend or whatever someone needs me to be, I go back to your words and find some peace…I send your posts to my husband when I need him to understand that I love him but I need …
D.R.
THANK YOU….. you just summed up my swirling thoughts into something i can read with out everything else in my head meshing with it. I finally feel like i can explain what happens within without getting distracted. I’m an Introvert with ADD and it makes it so hard to explain quite what im feeling sometimes. — M.G. on space2live
M.G.
I have been dating an introverted man who I am very in love with for almost 2 years.  Reading your posts have helped me to be more supportive and understanding to him especially during the times when he needs space.  I just wanted to thank you for your weekly posts and let you know how helpful they are for someone who is in a relationship with an introvert. C.M. on space2live
C.M.
You’re so honest in your writing. It’s bold. It’s frank. It’s wonderful. I could definitely see the work you are doing here as a useful book. It could save/make a lot of relationships! — Jimmi Langemo
Jimmi Langemo

“I was struggling with my daughter (16 at the time) and our constant fighting. You said something to me that changed my life! You were speaking about your own situation and you said to me “my child could not handle my emotions”. This was a HUGE “lightbulb moment” for me and it forever changed the way I dealt with my emotions when I was around my daughter!

I am happy to say that things have never been better between my soon to be 18 year old daughter and myself! I honestly never thought we would…

Mom M

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Two Quick Ways to Make Your Partner Feel Seen and Respected

Have you ever felt taken for granted by a partner? Perhaps, it seemed like they only noticed you if you did something for them, or worse, they didn’t notice you at all even when you fulfilled all of your duties.

I’ve been there and I definitely did not like the feeling of being used. It felt like I was not seen, cherished or known for my real self.

Feeling seen

One of my favorite relationship gurus, Bruce Muzik of loveatfirstfight.com, has a beautiful and effective process for making another person feel seen and loved. It has three steps:

1. Think of something specific you appreciate about the other person

2. Link it to a positive personal trait of theirs.

3. Share with them what you came up with in numbers one and two.

Here are a couple of examples:

Sweetheart, I love the way you cover all the details and confirm all of our reservations when we plan a vacation. You are excellent at finding fun and affordable trips for us. I really appreciate how you include me in the decision-making process too. You are incredibly organized, creative and thoughtful. Thank you.

Honey, I am always amazed at the meals you put together. I know you are busy but you still manage to create meals that give us a reason to gather at the table. I really appreciate your efforts and your flair for cooking. You are so caring, hard-working and creative. Thank you.

The bottom line is this process makes someone feel appreciated. Appreciation is the glue of connection.couple dancing

Feeling respected

When we feel overlooked, it is easy to feel disrespected as well. We feel if our partner respected us they would acknowledge us more. One way to make our partner or friend or child feel respected is to ask for their opinion. Everyone likes to be asked how they feel about something or what they think about the matter. Asking someone’s opinion essentially says, ” I care about what you think and your views matter.”

One word of caution, only ask for someone’s opinion or feedback when you are resourced enough to receive it. If, for example, you are in the budding stage of developing a new online project, it might be wise to wait and ask your critical-eyed (but helpful) partner for their opinion when you have the main details worked out. Otherwise, they may kill your enthusiasm and creativity.

Feeling seen, respected and appreciated goes a long way toward building safety and intimacy within a relationship. We feel secure enough to lower our walls and sensitivity. We don’t have to protect ourselves when we feel loved for whom we are.

My experience is when we show appreciation and respect toward someone, they tend to do the same in return.

Who could you show appreciation toward tonight? Don’t forget to link it to a trait of theirs. That is key. How do you feel when someone asks your opinion?

Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash

Yes, it’s that time again. If you’re doing your holiday shopping early, go you! Don’t forget The Quiet Rise book for the introverts in your life. Non-introverts love it too. It’s the perfect guide for creating healthy interdependent relationships. .

Click the image to purchase.

The Quiet Rise of Introverts

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4 Comments

  1. Beatrice January 5, 2019 at 5:49 am - Reply

    A question arises… Generally, when you open up to a person, cherish them, respect them and show them you appreciate them for who they are… usually they start feeling seen and safe to open up too. Well, what can be done when no matter what you do to make that person feeling safe, seen, understood and loved for who they are, they still keep their walls up and treat you as “expandable”? When they keep their thoughts and feelings for themselves and you never know what you mean to them or, even worse, if you even mean anything special to them…

    • Brenda Knowles January 7, 2019 at 2:31 pm - Reply

      Oh Beatrice. Sounds like you are having a sad experience. If you have been consistent with your love, care and responsiveness and received no reciprocation, your life might be brighter if you move on. We all need connection and a feeling of safety to thrive. You deserve to thrive. Best wishes friend.

  2. Michael Buley December 3, 2018 at 11:41 pm - Reply

    Brenda, I don’t get item #2. It seems 1 and 3 are what it’s all about: what is it you appreciate about someone? Now go and tell that person! lol …

    Funny that books have to be written about it. About saying kind things to the one you love. To anyone you care for. Even people you don’t care for!

    We shouldn’t have to read a book, and find a ‘formula’ for keeping our friendships / relationships alive.

    Here’s what you should do: okay, what do you like about her?

    Hmmm … let me think … well, I love the way she laughs when she’s happy.

    Good. Okay, now go tell her that.

    What? TELL her that? Why?

    lol …

    You have a cute a** … lol …

    Your hair looks awesome today.

    I love the way your mind always is curious and searching for more.

    I love the way you are gentle with the kids.

    I love how tender you are with our dogs.

    You really make awesome meals every time.

    I love how you play with the kids and take time to do that.

    I love your body.

    I love your mind.

    I love how generous you are.

    …… and on and on.

    Funny that this should be hard. Funny that it should be ‘a concept’ at all. It’s what friendships are built on. They’re not built on criticizing the one you’re with.

    And funniest of all … it’s just a few words, isn’t it? That take, what, 30 seconds? But how often do we take those 30 seconds to speak what we feel about someone? I mean what we feel that is positive, of course. it seems much easier for most, to take 30 seconds, or much longer, to say what they do NOT like in someone.

    For the sake of words spoken that would’ve been better withheld … for the sake of a words not spoken that could’ve been … I swear most friendships, and likely most marriages, fall by the wayside.

    We are so stingy with our words. Rather than lavish praise on someone, we will stay silent. We might spend 30 minutes, an hour, hours, or longer, ‘doing things’ for this person that we love. But to take 30 seconds and SAY something kind? no ……

    One of my favorite quotes is ‘When you see something beautiful in someone, speak it.’ But I’ll be damned if that’s not one of the rarest treasures in all the world: someone who sees you, and speaks to you, your beauty that he or she sees.

    Let us be the ones who speak the beauty we see ….. 🙂

    • Brenda Knowles December 4, 2018 at 3:06 pm - Reply

      Right on! If we see it and feel it, we should say it. Compliments and kind words are free and they can make such a difference to someone. I know this post was rather formulaic, but it seems people love to have things spelled out to the letter. It saves them work, I guess. You’re right it should be simple. I do try to spread around some light every day, but some days it’s easier to gripe. Not better, but is easier. Our lizard brains like to remember and repeat what scares us or makes us feel threatened, but it’s the love that helps us thrive. Thanks for response Michael. Always appreciated.

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