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You’re so honest in your writing. It’s bold. It’s frank. It’s wonderful. I could definitely see the work you are doing here as a useful book. It could save/make a lot of relationships! — Jimmi Langemo
Jimmi Langemo
Because of your blog, I know that it is possible for me to have the love that I want one day and that I don’t have to be alone.  — Indepthwoman  on space2live
Indepthwoman

“I was struggling with my daughter (16 at the time) and our constant fighting. You said something to me that changed my life! You were speaking about your own situation and you said to me “my child could not handle my emotions”. This was a HUGE “lightbulb moment” for me and it forever changed the way I dealt with my emotions when I was around my daughter!

I am happy to say that things have never been better between my soon to be 18 year old daughter and myself! I honestly never thought we would…

Mom M
I have been dating an introverted man who I am very in love with for almost 2 years.  Reading your posts have helped me to be more supportive and understanding to him especially during the times when he needs space.  I just wanted to thank you for your weekly posts and let you know how helpful they are for someone who is in a relationship with an introvert. C.M. on space2live
C.M.
your depth of understanding, and talent at sharing it amaze me. Speechless… and for your sharing of it.. Thank you… deeply. *sigh, its like coming back into my body through acceptance….. Sherrie on space2live
Sherrie
I think I want to print out your articles and hand them out as a sort of relationship waiver form. “You want to be my friend?….You are interesting in going out? Here read this first. Sign here to acknowledge that you have read and understand the enclosed material. Thank you.” Seriously. I think it would work. — Guerin Moorman
Guerin Moorman
Your site has saved my sanity and my life. Maybe even my marriage. I work part time and have two young boys at home, my husband is supportive of me but until recently I thought I was going crazy. … Reading your writing not only inspires me to pick up the pen again, but gives me nourishment in the deepest places. I will fight for balance. Everything you write is spot on… And wellness is so incredibly multifaceted.  I was ready to give up hope, but understanding myself through your words is bring…
J.K.
BRENDA: thank you SO much! Your advice is exactly what I need to do. I am amazed how much you “get” me after only exchanging a few messages!… Again, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You’ve helped me more than a year of therapy sessions! – Megan on space2live
Megan
THANK YOU….. you just summed up my swirling thoughts into something i can read with out everything else in my head meshing with it. I finally feel like i can explain what happens within without getting distracted. I’m an Introvert with ADD and it makes it so hard to explain quite what im feeling sometimes. — M.G. on space2live
M.G.
Thank you for all the words. You’ve created the magic drug I’ve been looking for all my life. Your blog has transformed my life, and I feel like I am on the brink of a most satisfying fulfilling journey…You’ve made me see everything in a new light. I now feel calmer, able to care better for my toddler, less hateful of people around, and hopeful for my future. I am not so afraid for our marriage anymore. — Shilpa CB
Shilpa CB

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Our Deepest Voids Form Our Deepest Values

Photo by Willian Justen de Vasconcellos on Unsplash

Do you know what you value most in your life? Do you REALLY know? Can you get specific? Are they deeply personal values or are they social idealisms you feel you should honor? Or are they values imposed upon you by someone you know? Take a minute to ponder those questions.

According to Dr. John Demartini in his book, The Values Factor, what you value most serves as an internal compass “…pointing you toward the activities, people and places that most fulfill you and away from the situations and people who are likely to feel unfulfilling.”

How to determine our values

When determining our true values it is best to look at the actions we take spontaneously and without much influence from others. This is not to say our values are not often derived from family traditions, family pressure, societal pressure or idealisms. They are, but they are not the ones that guide us authentically to fulfillment. If we live by others values, we often feel drained and unfulfilled, even if we outwardly look successful.

We want what we don’t have

Dr. Demartini also says our true highest values — the things we are instinctively drawn to, what we live for — often start out as the things we feel we are missing.

Whatever we perceive we lack, we tend to develop a strong craving for. Think about the answers you came up with to the questions in the opening paragraph. Single out one of your most deeply held values. Was this value something you felt you were missing at one point in your life? Chances are, it was.

Photo credit Aaron Burden via Unsplash

This perceived void drives us to work hard and without much external motivation to achieve or create what we don’t currently have. When we work hard for something and consider it important, it becomes something we value.

Driven by money

I’ll give you personal examples. Growing up there was always an undercurrent of financial instability for my family. Unexpected expenses really rattled my mom. My mother was a preschool teacher and my father owned shoe stores (retail in the 80s, not good). One thing I subconsciously set out to eradicate from my life was that fear of not having enough money. I got a college degree in a field (business) I knew had a greater chance of paying well. I married a man who was financially savvy and had a high earnings potential. I valued financial stability and set my life course to attain it.

What we value, we seek

After my mother died and a long-term relationship ended, I felt alone and untethered. My extended family lived far away. I worked from home by myself. I did not have a tribe to belong to.

I was highly motivated to find a community to join. I found a church that fit the bill. I started working at a school part-time. I met a man with a large family in the area and fell in love with him. All of these additions to my life eased that void of not being a part of something, of feeling alone. I valued them.

Values change over time

Which brings me to another point. Our values change over time, as we do. As a young twenty-something I felt the pang of poverty and financial instability. After achieving financial stability, I started to value personal development and emotional connection more. I still value these highly, but time will tell if they are lifelong goals of importance.

Know your loved ones’ values too

The more certain we are of what we deem important, the better we know ourselves. The better we know ourselves, the easier it is for others to know and love the real us.

It is also especially helpful to be aware of our loved ones’ values. To know our partner’s/friends’/family’s values we must take note of what they do without coaxing and what they perceive as voids in their lives.

In knowing what we and our loved ones appreciate, we become better companions and more fulfilled.

What do you do all the time without prompting? What do you seek? What is missing in your life that motivates you? What are your strongest values?

 

Do you have a personal or relationship question you’d like to ask me? If you are willing to share it publicly, I’m working on developing a format where I answer questions live or on recorded video. Which do you prefer? Would a podcast or video be better? 

Please understand that whatever you send may be used in a public forum, so if you want to sanitize it and make it more anonymous, please do so before sending it in. 

I receive lots of emails with questions. I feel there is a demand for information and insight about introverted and/or highly sensitive relationships and just plain old relationships

I’d love to hear your feedback about this idea. I’d love to field your questions. If you have a question to submit please fill out the form below.

 

 

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