I am sensitive to dominance. Recently, I was on a date at a posh local restaurant/bar. My quick-witted companion effortlessly chatted up the waiter while simultaneously making me laugh. His deep voice and confident demeanor made it easy for me to sit back and let him lead. Half-way through the night I noticed I wasn’t talking very much. I was primarily in response mode with little original contribution of my own. I felt smaller in my chair — posture deteriorating, voice quieter. At one point my date even said, I’m going to answer this question and then I want to hear about YOU.
I got my chance to talk. I was about four sentences in, telling of my passion for the community and subject-matter that is space2live and how excited I am about using Myers-Briggs to help people gain self-awareness… when the waiter showed up and asked how the sea bass was. Upon the waiter’s departure my companion started talking about a different subject and never inquired about my work again.
I had a little flashback to the last several years of my marriage.
And like my former husband, I think this gentleman talked a lot because he was a) nervous and b) trained to do so in corporate/competitive/extroverted America.
Whatever the reason, I didn’t like it. It had been a while since I’d been with someone so in charge. In general, I prefer sweet collaboration with conscientious reciprocity.
Masculine + Feminine = Sexual Spark
In his post, The Dating Pendulum, an Austin,Texas man talks of his search for, Equality that creates mutual respect for the opinions, thoughts, feelings, and value of your partner. He’s had a hard time finding a woman who contributes equally to date planning, flirty message sending and bedroom pleasing. In several instances he was left feeling used. So, not all men look to dominate.
In fact, Shelly Bullard of This Is About Love, recommends that WOMEN give their masculine power-happy sides a rest in order to let their male partners step up to the plate. Shelly remarks on the need for today’s woman to prove her strength, power and drive at all times. We feel we must have it all — high ranking (business) career, controlled family schedule, relationship leverage— and in doing so we keep our guard up and our feminine side buried. Our feminine traits being intuition, receptivity, emotionality and wildness. According to Shelly, this lack of femininity keeps many strong women from finding love.
Shelly claims, and I agree, that most women want a man who is masculine, driven, makes plans, follows through and is full of purpose. In order to attract and keep a man like that we need to relax into our feminine essence. Save our masculine energy for work. Give him a chance to be a man. Sexual sparks fly when masculine and feminine energies mix. Allow yourself to be adored. Let go of control and revel in the fact that he sent the first text, called you first, took charge in bed.
Getting run over by a dominant partner is not sexy
I relaxed into my receiving nature on my date but instead of feeling turned on by his masculinity I felt small and turned off.
As I strive for personal steeliness, I know in my heart I enjoy and gravitate toward femininity. Aggressiveness is not natural to me. Listening and observing are. All of my leanings are toward the perceived weaker traits. I’m an introvert versus the more robust extrovert. I’m a feeler versus the rational thinker. I’m feminine to the core (my dad called me Pinky as a girl because of my penchant for the color and my rosy cheeks) and have only just begun to create boundaries and fortify my resolve.
I’m afraid of disappearing in someone else’s energy. I’m afraid of losing ground after all the work I’ve put into self-sufficiency. I’m terrified of not being heard.
And yet, I want that sexual spark.
Exuding femininity and doing the love dance
Is there a middle-ground? I believe so. Both genders have masculine and feminine characteristics. Much like introversion and extroversion, we can exhibit behavior and experience the feelings of both temperaments. I believe there are men with the courage to let their feminine side show. I know women who use their feminine essence to make their special men feel nurtured and openly received.This safe environment gives men the freedom to be vulnerable. Give and take and a reciprocity of vulnerability emerge when both partners express their feminine side. The key to arriving at this generous reciprocity? Allowing masculine and feminine to move together initially in a dance where the male leads and the female follows but in a fully participatory and graceful way. The man knows he can not dance without her so he must appreciate and respond to her contribution.
Do you agree masculine and feminine must be expressed in order to generate a sexual charge? As a woman, can you relax into your feminine essence? Do you appreciate a masculine man? As a man, how in touch are you with your feminine side? Does femininity attract you?
If you enjoyed Masculine, Feminine, Dominance and the Love Dance, then you may also love:
The Biggest Mistake Career-Driven Women Make in Love (shellybullard.com)