Stay connected

Enter your email address to receive notifications of new posts.

Testimonials

I think I want to print out your articles and hand them out as a sort of relationship waiver form. “You want to be my friend?….You are interesting in going out? Here read this first. Sign here to acknowledge that you have read and understand the enclosed material. Thank you.” Seriously. I think it would work. — Guerin Moorman
Guerin Moorman
Brenda has truly opened up a space for introverted types on the ‘net, and her self-revelations are always inspiring. Her voice is one I always look forward to. She is one of the writers that actually played a part in my return to writing.  — S.E. of Sunflower Solace Farms
S.E. of Sunflower Solace Farms
THANK YOU….. you just summed up my swirling thoughts into something i can read with out everything else in my head meshing with it. I finally feel like i can explain what happens within without getting distracted. I’m an Introvert with ADD and it makes it so hard to explain quite what im feeling sometimes. — M.G. on space2live
M.G.
Your site has saved my sanity and my life. Maybe even my marriage. I work part time and have two young boys at home, my husband is supportive of me but until recently I thought I was going crazy. … Reading your writing not only inspires me to pick up the pen again, but gives me nourishment in the deepest places. I will fight for balance. Everything you write is spot on… And wellness is so incredibly multifaceted.  I was ready to give up hope, but understanding myself through your words is bring…
J.K.
I met Brenda and took the MBTI… I had a fairly good understanding of these types before the meeting but was impressed by the depth of knowledge that Brenda shared with me. She clearly has a passion for this work and a gift in imparting the information. There have been doors opened for me because of our talks… — Alan Hintermeister
Alan Hintermeister
This is me. This is me from the day I was born. For so long I felt misunderstood and rejected, even by the people closest to me, because they could never understand my need for solitude, and I had no idea how to explain it to them. Even now that I know more about Introversion and have a more informed understanding of my hard-wired need for solitude, it’s still very difficult sometimes to help my loved ones understand this profound craving for time and space all to myself. This is one of the best…
Sharon
For the first time in my life I could truly explain, through your words the way in which I experience life and myself. Brenda… It all fell into place. I had found myself and had such a moment of clarity. It felt like such a big weight was lifted off of my shoulders. Finally I felt like it was ok to be me. I was not the only one. I had found people and a little space where I fit in. … I was at work and crying on the inside. Emotions ran wild inside me. I was ecstatic, sad, confused, motivated, i…
Niko
You’re so honest in your writing. It’s bold. It’s frank. It’s wonderful. I could definitely see the work you are doing here as a useful book. It could save/make a lot of relationships! — Jimmi Langemo
Jimmi Langemo
That courage and dedication you so generously share with the world, has inspired me to push myself a little harder, persevere at each task a little longer, dig a little bit deeper to where the answers just “feel” right to both my humanity AND my spirit. Your insights have reinforced my direction and given me additional tools that help me clear my path. I’m wired into my creativity as never before and the new music is pouring out of me faster than I can record and produce it; this is the Un…
Gary
Your words are my lifeline.  I sit down to your posts and as I read I can feel my acceptance of myself and my needs grow.  Your words validate my feelings about my life, motherhood, relationships and it is something I hold onto.  And during the times when I feel like I am not able to be a mother or a wife or a sister or a friend or whatever someone needs me to be, I go back to your words and find some peace…I send your posts to my husband when I need him to understand that I love him but I need …
D.R.

Join us on Facebook

Why Know-It-Alls Have a Hard Time Connecting

Photo by Erik Lucatero on Unsplash

My kids like to play Jeopardy every weeknight with our Amazon Echo. We play as a team, so we have a greater chance of getting the answers right.

I’ve noticed an interesting phenomenon when we play. My sons have a very hard time accepting not knowing the answers or God forbid, answering incorrectly. If they don’t know the answers, the questions are stupid or Alexa sucks. They shift the blame or responsibility to something other than themselves. If my daughter answers incorrectly, my sons jump on her like special forces on a known terrorist.

Despite my urging to play the game to learn and have fun, they behave as if not knowing something is a mortal failure.

The know-it-all mask

I recently listened to a podcast on The One You Feed. Eric Zimmer interviewed Lewis Howes, author of The Mask of Masculinity:How Men Can Embrace Vulnerability, Create Strong Relationships and Live Their Fullest Lives. Howes said one of the masks men wear to protect their vulnerability is The Know-It-All mask.

I don’t want to insinuate that only men wear this cover. NO ONE, including myself, wants to appear incompetent or unintelligent. The sad thing is, by wearing such a mask, we keep ourselves separate from each other, for vulnerability is the glue that connects people.

Know-it-alls spend more time talking and showing their knowledge than they do listening and being open to learning from others. When we are not open to other perspectives, we shut out the possibility of growing closer to someone.

Empathy needed

When dealing with someone who can’t take off the I-know-everything mask,  not only do we not get to peek inside their internal world, we feel uncomfortable showing ours. It is hard to have empathy for someone when we have not learned what is going on inside them. Without empathy we remain distanced from others. We are not truly attuned with them, nor do they feel understood by us. Without attunement or resonance, it is difficult to trust. Without trust, connection is fragile at best.

I can’t be wrong

Lurking behind the know-it-all mask could be a fear of losing love because being perfect and smart are positive attractive traits. Imperfection means you are not as competent or dependable and therefore less lovable. Someone who is already sensitive to rejection due to genetics or relationship history, will have a huge fear of making a mistake. There may even be shame involved. In that situation, they will do almost anything to deflect the appearance of not knowing or being wrong to spare themselves the pain of shame.

I don’t feel good around you

Ironically, the mask that is intended to help us stay lovable, pushes people away. It is nerve-wracking to be around someone who appears to have the answer to everything. At first, it feels nice to be with someone so confident and astute, but then our insecurities creep up. If I don’t know something or make a mistake, this person will judge me negatively. They may laugh at me or make me feel stupid. I better be on guard and not make any mistakes. 

When we have our guard up, it is just like wearing a mask. No one gets to know our true selves. Being authentic or vulnerable is too risky. We do not feel safe. When there is no safety, we can’t connect deeply.

Gateway to connection

I encourage everyone to see not knowing everything as a gateway to openness and connection. The next time you get an answer wrong in front of people, don’t let your inner critic eat you alive, let your vulnerability connect you to others through empathy and humanity.

Do you have to have all the answers? How hard are you on yourself or others if you make a mistake? Could your know-it-all attitude be keeping you from real connection? 

Would you like to talk to someone about learning to connect with others? I’m here to help. Contact me for further discussion. 

 

SaveSave

About the Author:

One Comment

  1. lisleman February 14, 2018 at 10:34 am - Reply

    I stumbled onto your blog from a song’s lyrics. “wearing a mask of false bravado”. Great post. I’ve found the know-it-all or big ego people can be the most unpleasant and fake people. Having had an engineering career I embrace the benefit of mistakes. Mistakes teach and provide a path to innovation.

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: