…When people feel understood, they don’t have to fight, they relax, they soften, they feel seen and their heart opens more. — Jayson Gaddis, Relationship Coach
For me, there is nothing more rewarding, erotic, beautiful, intimate or validating than feeling understood. If I feel heard and accepted, my whole body and spirit warm to life. Love flows from me. I am energized, inspired and at peace. Understanding gives me courage and energy to be my highest self — someone who sees the potential and good in everyone and desires to give back.
Introverts and Intuitive people really appreciate understanding
As an introvert, feeling known and accepted means less energy leakage when expressing myself. More ease and comfort around who I am. I won’t have to explain my need for solitude or my sensitivity to stimulation. It’s all OK. I can let my guard down and love freely. I can breathe and glow quietly.
As an intuitive, feeling heard and understood is akin to nirvana. There is nothing so glorious as participating in a conversation where participants effortlessly ignite and inspire each other. People bashing, limiting criticism and small talk are nowhere to be found. Open-minded discussion wraps its arms around us and makes us feel safe.
Part of the appeal of the Myers Briggs Personality Inventory, is its philosophy of learning about different types of personalities and appreciating each of them for what they offer. It’s not divisive even though it separates people into 16 different types. It’s communal and encourages understanding. No type is better or worse.
The Right/Wrong and Better/Worst dichotomies we love to employ, leave one side feeling misunderstood or maligned. Understanding leaves the door open for overlap, grey area and acceptance.
How do we get past the knee-jerk reaction of, I’m right and you’re wrong, and move to understanding?
Empathy
“Empathy underlies virtually everything that makes society work—like trust, altruism, collaboration, love, charity.” — Dr. Bruce D. Perry, Born for Love: Why Empathy Is Essential–and Endangered
The essence of empathy is to stand in another’s shoes and feel what it’s like there. Unlike sympathy, with empathy you feel sorry with someone versus for someone.
Alicia Fox in Rwanda
I craved empathy last week after the unexpected death of an old friend. I had just heard the news and was sad. I told my son and a friend. I got an, I’m sorry and a, That’s life from each of them respectively. What I really wanted was a hug or further interest in the story. Even better, would have been validation of my emotions and an acknowledgement that they had felt the same way at one time. Empathy would have made me feel understood and heard.
Active listening
Active listening is the art of being present while others talk. Instead of thinking of what we are going to say in response to their words we listen and reflect what we heard. The key is not to launch into how their words affected you but you can empathize with them by saying, I would feel the same way if that happened to me.
Active listening shows you are interested in hearing the other person’s perspective and not just waiting to share your own. You truly want to understand their world.
I, admittedly, struggle with this. I am striving to improve this skill. I have a tendency to want to fix or show understanding by relaying a similar situation I experienced. It’s sort of empathy but I can do better in my listening. I also have to be careful not to project too many of my feelings onto others. They are not always the same.
Validation
Validation goes beyond acknowledging someone’s experience. It says your experience is real and it matters. Not only do I see your perspective, but I appreciate it.
I was recently validated by my writing coach, Lauren Sapala. I’ve mentioned Lauren several times. She is wise and affirming. I highly recommend her services.
I told Lauren about an invoice (not from her) I received for my business. The invoice bothered me because I didn’t believe it was fair. I felt I was being charged for work I already paid for. I hate confrontation but knew I needed to take care of this. I felt pressure from one friend who said I needed to be more aggressive and call the service company to tell them I wasn’t going to pay the bill. I always want to preserve a relationship if possible. That’s just my way.
Lauren validated my feelings by telling me it makes her upset to have to deal with things like this too. She said my stress level is the most important thing to consider and that sending an email to the company outlining the discrepancy is just fine. A confrontational phone call wasn’t necessary. I felt such relief. So validated and understood. I took care of the invoice via email that afternoon and worked out a satisfying compromise with the service company.
Where can introverts and intuitive people find understanding?
Sometimes we don’t experience that life-giving understanding in our immediate relationships and have to find it elsewhere.
In the real world, I’ve found great solace and understanding with my writing friends. Our group meets once a month and saves my sanity. The group is full of introverts and intuitive types. Most of all it is full of people willing to listen and respond without judgment. I suggest finding your writing group or equivalent tribe by noticing where and with whom you feel most at home. I felt completely relaxed in writing classes. My writing group is an extension of those.
In the virtual world, I hope you find brendaknowles.com a safe space to visit, read and feel known. All of the resources listed under the Resources tab are wonderful sources of understanding, including Andy Mort’s website, Sheepdressedlikewolves.com. I also recommend the group, Intuitive Awakening, on Facebook as a haven for your esoteric mind.
I’ve had many mentors/gurus/coaches/enlightened friends provide affirmation and understanding along my path of personal evolution. I am so grateful for their insight and care. I love providing empathy, validation and deep listening to clients in my own coaching. Please contact me if you’d like to experience this kind of understanding through coaching.
Have you ever experienced life-changing understanding? Where do you experience validation and empathy? Would you like to feel more heard?
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For the first time in my adult life (I’m 32), I’m reaching out to my mom on a regular basis via skype or facebook as we are on opposite sides of the globe. When I can’t deal with life she is there to listen – to really listen – and to empathize with me… without judging. I cannot believe how lucky I am. Nor can I believe how long it’s taken me to realize and celebrate her strengths and the incredible gifts she gives to me. Today she caught me again as I fell, and your writing was one of the many tools she had in her arsenal. As an INFP, Intuitive, Highly Sensitive Person, I’m pretty stoked about it!!!
I’m so lucky your mom had my writing in her arsenal!! Thank her for me please.:) I’m thrilled you and your mom are connecting on such a deep level. Empathy is an amazing healing tool. May you two continue to grow together.
Its unbelievable how spot on you are , I always relate to your posts but I’m INFJ. You are doing a great job Bren, much love
Yes! So happy to hear that you worked it out about the invoice. I always email instead of calling. As I told you, in true introvert style, I hate the phone 😉
I’m so appreciative of your help Lauren.:)
Brenda, I know exactly what you mean. I feel like things I say to people fall on deaf ears and they are just listening with the intent to respond. I don’t feel understood at all. I’m always listening to people and giving them my full undivided attention and being present. People know they can always come to me, but I cant come to them. So I now I just keep my distant. I feel the same when it comes to a love one passing. This happened with my mom. My father was focused on what people thought at her funeral that he couldn’t see that his children were hurting. He made it all about him and he was the one still alive. He had a guilty conscious because he knows how he treated her and so did everybody else. He makes everything about him.
I feel like this is the only place I can gel understood. I’m just a point in my life where I need people in my life that know how to be supportive and are about self improvement. Not whether or not, they are having a sales at khols. I was talking to a friend of mine (I need to stop calling people that) and the whole time I was talking, she wasn’t paying attention to me, and she was online playing a game and then she started talking about khols. I felt so drained, when she wasn’t paying attention. I feel like if you are busy, and have a short attention span, then don’t listen to me. Excuse yourself off the phone.
There are a few people that know that I’m, dealing with some things and all I hear is ‘that a life’ and you’ll be ok and you’re strong and blah blah but no real support. Everyone is operating in selfish mode. No real validation and active listening at all. It’s hard to get understanding because I’m being judge constantly and this is the reason why I don’t say whats going on with me. The mental stress is exhausting. The things that I’m dealing with on my own, I don’t know how these people I know would survive, because they have no a care in the world. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone but some understanding would be nice. But I’m not looking for it from them.
I realize my supportive, nurturing ways, even with me being independent backfires on me and my ‘friend’ list is getting really short and I’m perfectly fine with that. out with the old and in with the new. Its true, you really see who’s there for you , when you are going through something.
It sounds like you need some real deep listening. I’m sorry your friends are only half present. I often feel bad bothering people to have them listen. I never want to burden people with my issues too often. I know that gets heavy for others. I have a great group that meets monthly – my writing group. I am so grateful fo them. There is unconditional acceptance there. I want that for you. Take care Morena.
Hi Brenda,
I’ll have that one day…every time I think I have it, especially when it comes to men, they start feeling something for me, and the communication stops…why is it that when men get a chance to know some one on a personal level, they want to take it to the next within a few weeks?? Its like they have this time frame. I know men express their emotions or love through sex but its like d**n!!! Why is it so hard for them to be friends with a woman and take their time…. I just want to be understood and seen and heard. Whats wrong with having great conversation??? Why is every man trying to marry me?? I’m so tired of this Brenda, like seriously, LOL. it’s not funny but, in a way its like really??!! Rhetorically speaking… Is there a shortage of good women out there?? Is the struggle that real, LOL?? I was at the market the other day, and I got into a conversation with the cashier as she rang and packed up my groceries about food. And there were 3 men behind me. I said out loud not realizing it, “let me stop talking about food before someone hears me, every time I talk about cooking and food, some guy is always trying to wife me up” and she laughed and her eyes gestured for me to look behind me and I was like oh s**t! and started laughing, LOL… And these 3 males were like, wow, you like cooking and you’re single, how come you’re not married. I just said because I’m not. I’m not actively looking nor do I want to. Then one of the guys said, its hard to find a female that enjoys cooking. I to a quick glance at what they were buying and I’m like ok, “lonely man dinners, lol”.. Why do men keep looking for a woman who cooks? Cook for yourself. Why is that a trait a man looks for in a wife for? I believe some men only want to get married just to have a woman serve them. Thats all I hear. I research this, online, youtube, men act like women are suppose to cook for them, even if they are not married. I cook because I love it and its healthy and I enjoy it. Not because it will make me wife material. I shouldn’t have to downplay my passion for it when I meet a guy and I want to be friends. But it’s like I have to not be so enthusiastic about it because, men want to skip the courting and get a home cooked meal. Sometimes I’m just really turned off. I also realize I’m asexual too! Been that way for a long time, no wonder i don’t want have sex. I need a mental connection and deep one, before I can even think about taking it to the next level, because I feel nothing. An attractive man can be in front of me and it will do nothing to me. My music turns me more than any man could. I love the mental stimulation and words and I can play it over and over again. I feel the lyrics surrounding my body. It would be nice if I found someone like music but I haven’t. I thought I did but the guy stopped talking to me. When men find themselves liking me, they disappear. So I don’t even try anymore……it would be nice if the people I do know, if they were more present, they are not even present at all. They don’t share my same passions for life in general. They don’t write, express themselves, have deep discussions, they don’t care about music, which is at the top of the list for me. Everything is about materialistic objects. Right now they are going crazy over black friday and worrying about christmas. I don’t live for holidays. I just can’t be around people taking up so much of my time, like these people. When does one get tired of being around noise all the time?? I don’t know how they do it…. I love learning and reading and writing and these people I know, don’t even own a book or write. There always around people to avoid being alone. I need to be alone to recharge and to hear my own thoughts and to reflect and to receive spiritual guidance. I’m hoping once I move to the west coast that I will meet some like minded individuals, who also share in my passion for health and wellness and cooking. I spend countless hours, when I can looking at recipes, cooking shows and other creative ways to bond and nurture with food. I just need to be around more spiritual beings and deep thinkers.