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Brenda has truly opened up a space for introverted types on the ‘net, and her self-revelations are always inspiring. Her voice is one I always look forward to. She is one of the writers that actually played a part in my return to writing.  — S.E. of Sunflower Solace Farms
S.E. of Sunflower Solace Farms
Because of your blog, I know that it is possible for me to have the love that I want one day and that I don’t have to be alone.  — Indepthwoman  on space2live
Thank you for all the words. You’ve created the magic drug I’ve been looking for all my life. Your blog has transformed my life, and I feel like I am on the brink of a most satisfying fulfilling journey…You’ve made me see everything in a new light. I now feel calmer, able to care better for my toddler, less hateful of people around, and hopeful for my future. I am not so afraid for our marriage anymore. — Shilpa CB
Shilpa CB
During one of the harder times in my life I found Brenda’s website
and reached out to her. To say the least it has been one of the best
decisions I have made. Being an extrovert I never quite understood
what it meant to romantically involved with an introvert. Brenda does
an incredible job listening, giving in the moment feedback, and helped
me understand the how an introvert functions. She helped explain to me
that I am introspective extrovert, and this gave something to identify
with and allowed me t…
Evan H.
I have been dating an introverted man who I am very in love with for almost 2 years.  Reading your posts have helped me to be more supportive and understanding to him especially during the times when he needs space.  I just wanted to thank you for your weekly posts and let you know how helpful they are for someone who is in a relationship with an introvert. C.M. on space2live
You’re so honest in your writing. It’s bold. It’s frank. It’s wonderful. I could definitely see the work you are doing here as a useful book. It could save/make a lot of relationships! — Jimmi Langemo
Jimmi Langemo
This is me. This is me from the day I was born. For so long I felt misunderstood and rejected, even by the people closest to me, because they could never understand my need for solitude, and I had no idea how to explain it to them. Even now that I know more about Introversion and have a more informed understanding of my hard-wired need for solitude, it’s still very difficult sometimes to help my loved ones understand this profound craving for time and space all to myself. This is one of the best…

“I was struggling with my daughter (16 at the time) and our constant fighting. You said something to me that changed my life! You were speaking about your own situation and you said to me “my child could not handle my emotions”. This was a HUGE “lightbulb moment” for me and it forever changed the way I dealt with my emotions when I was around my daughter!

I am happy to say that things have never been better between my soon to be 18 year old daughter and myself! I honestly never thought we would…

Mom M
For the first time in my life I could truly explain, through your words the way in which I experience life and myself. Brenda… It all fell into place. I had found myself and had such a moment of clarity. It felt like such a big weight was lifted off of my shoulders. Finally I felt like it was ok to be me. I was not the only one. I had found people and a little space where I fit in. … I was at work and crying on the inside. Emotions ran wild inside me. I was ecstatic, sad, confused, motivated, i…
THANK YOU….. you just summed up my swirling thoughts into something i can read with out everything else in my head meshing with it. I finally feel like i can explain what happens within without getting distracted. I’m an Introvert with ADD and it makes it so hard to explain quite what im feeling sometimes. — M.G. on space2live

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Why the Increase in Anxiety Among Privileged Kids?

According to the New York Times article titled, “Why Are More American Teenagers Than Ever Suffering from Severe Anxiety?”, 1/3 of adolescents and adults  suffer from overactive fight or flight responses and privileged teens are among the most emotionally distressed.

young student with anxiety

Photo by Sasha Rudensky for The New York Times

I’ve experienced first-hand the increase in anxiety in privileged homes. Living in the suburbs of Minneapolis where my kids attend a well-regarded public school system, gives me a ringside seat to the pressure and worries. Even in the elementary school where I work as a substitute paraprofessional, the kids experience a good amount of stress.

Why the increase in anxiety in the safe, comfy, privileged life?

Based on the New York Times article and my experience, I see three reasons.

I. Academics and pressure to succeed

Ivy LeagueThis one seems obvious. The intense pressure to get good grades and get into the best college, is tough. Competition is fierce and no one wants to fail. In the eyes of a kid, failure can mean a bad grade on one quiz.

As my son is a senior this year, I’ve learned the ins and outs of the college application process and the astonishing fact that many kids applying for the top schools have greater than a 4.0 grade point average. This means these young people have done a lot of extra credit and Advanced Placement classes, anything to set them apart or make them look like high achievers.

College applications also beg for leadership roles and participation in community organizations. This is great but again huge time commitments and competition. My son had to apply for acceptance into the National Honors Society, despite already having the needed grade point average. It was a lengthy application. When I was in school, we just had to have the proper grade point average and voila! you were in.

To make things worse, comparing yourself to others has become ridiculously easy. Social media has kids comparing everything from grades to clothing to spring break vacations. Their daily grades and data about how they rank in the school academically are at their fingertips online too.

The teens stress out because it seems there is no end to their plight. They never reach a point where they can say, “I’m done.” Resting leads to falling behind and … failing. I know parents, including myself, that feel this way too.

In The Quiet Rise of Introverts, I wrote about the meritocracy and how love is given conditionally these days. Kids believe they are only lovable if they get good grades, are attractive, have the right friends, make a lot of money, etc. Add to that overbearing or anxious parents and no wonder teens are full of anxiety! We all want to be loved for who we are, unconditionally. Society tells us that is not how it works.

II. Cultural Messages

Along with the pressure of conditional merit-based love comes what seems like the parents’/adults’ way of making up for it — the message that children should not have to feel any discomfort. Their external environment should bend around them to prevent any distress.

I personally feel like I can’t ask my kids to do much work around the house because they are already so loaded with school work and extra-curricular activities (musts for the college application and a requirement of the suburban tribe). My son hasn’t had time to do or even put away his laundry in six weeks. He’s almost 18 years old.

Schools and parents have a lot more plans for helping kids deal with stress. Unfortunately, many of them let them sidestep distress altogether. For example, children with anxiety are allowed to take tests in separate rooms from their classroom and can take as long as needed. They have permission to come in the back door of schools to avoid the big crowds coming in the front doors. If they have a stomach-ache because there is a test that day or they don’t want to see someone in the hallway, they get to stay home from school.

Lack of exposure or introversion? 

My own kids don’t like talking on the phone or going into stores or talking to people who work in stores. We associate many of these dislikes with introverts. OK maybe they are partially a result of our temperament. Or maybe they are simply avoidance of something unpredictable or uncomfortable?

Maybe the avoidance is a result of their doubt they can handle such experiences because they haven’t had to do them very often and society says kids are fragile. There are a lot of messages these days about safe places and being triggered. These messages whisper that we (especially young people) can’t handle much discomfort.

Helping kids avoid everyday stress and discomfort leaves them with no coping skills and an increased estimation of danger and their inability to handle it.

III. Technology/smart phones

Teens and tweens bury themselves in their phones. It is a big part of their social and everyday lives. It is hard to extract the phone from the teenager’s life. In my day, I used the phone regularly to connect vocally with my friends but it was attached to a wall at home so it didn’t go everywhere with me and I didn’t rely on it to answer all of my questions. I had to (got to?) experience horribly awkward phone conversations with boys where we both sweat out the silent moments between topics. But I survived and now I don’t die a thousand deaths if there are pauses in my conversations with others.

Smart phones today provide control and certainty. Kids can get a text message ‘just right’ before they send it. They use their phones to google answers to their every question. They find out exactly what restaurants, parties, organizations, etc. are like before they commit to attending. We had to actually go to an event before we knew if it was lame or a blast.

Phones also are the perfect way to avoid life, feelings and interactions. Living through memes, texts and social media on a screen, isn’t living. Focusing on the latest thread on instagram helps ameliorate any emotions that pop up. Grab the phone and you have a pseudo companion and perfect distraction. Again, no practice with face to face interacting makes real interacting that much scarier.

Severe anxiety

Severe anxiety debilitates. If a child avoids everything that makes them uncomfortable their life is seriously hindered. What can we do about this trend toward avoidance? How can we curtail it? Find out in my next post.


Do you know a teen who suffers from anxiety? Are we aiding in teens’ inability to handle discomfort? Is anxiety more innate or more environmentally influenced? 

If you’d like to know more about social anxiety and ways to reduce it, check out The Quiet Rise of Introverts: 8 Practices for Living and Loving in a Noisy World now available on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Indie Bound and Books a Million and in your local bookstores.

The Quiet Rise of Introverts




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One Comment

  1. michaelrbuley October 29, 2017 at 7:07 pm - Reply

    We are raising yet another generation of kids who are, as you said, easily ‘triggered,’ who need safe spaces to navigate through the world. Seriously? … and yes, unfortunately, the answer is seriously.

    Whatever and whoever we are becoming, it’s not positive. Social media and the electronic leash of the phone have had very negative effects on us and on our relationships.

    Hans Selye wrote many decades ago that stress is the cause of about 95% of our illnesses. Our bodies can’t do what they normally do to keep us healthy, when we are endlessly stressed. And illness results. The medical industry seems poised to cash in on ever-increasing numbers of sick people. Hospitals and new clinics seem to spring up everywhere.

    What to do? Turn off the phone for awhile at night. Just turn it off. Insist that kids turn it off. Problem is, most parents are afraid to lay down any laws with their kids. They don’t want to ‘upset’ their kids … lol … Parenting has been re-defined, too. Friends rather than the ones who set down the laws, and enforce them.

    Turn off the TV at night. Get rid of cable. Impossible? No. Healthier? Yes.

    Parents own the home and pay the bills! Parents SHOULD be the ones who say this is how things go in this house. But oh we hate upsetting our kids, yet again training them to believe that they have a right to not feel stressed, to not be upset. Bad stuff. Ill equipped for the road beyond school.

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