How to Keep Emotions in Check and Create Stable Sensual Relationships: The Importance of a Secret Garden
I have been called stable by two different men recently. It’s obvious they find stability highly desirable. I find the comment interesting because I don’t necessarily consider myself the stable type. I am by no means unstable but I think stable people are consistent, reserved, emotionally controlled and not all that flavorful.
I actually see myself as deeply feeling, easily moved, warm, engaging, romantic, adaptable and greatly affected by external stimulation.
I believe the gentlemen simply caught me in a peaceful phase where I’ve had a good amount of solitude and meaningful connections and what they really meant with their stable comment was, You’re not crazy. Yay!
I didn’t need to know that…
There are pragmatic reasons for not depending on your lover/husband/boyfriend/partner for constant moral support and comfort — he is simply not equipped to be attuned to the nuances of female sensitivity and emotions. … Dumping all the upsetting details of our lives does nothing to build a sexy, vibrant, strong relationship. — Jamie Cat Callan, French Women Don’t Sleep Alone
When I mentioned the above French sentiment to a girlfriend of mine she said, Oh no, I would want my significant other to know everything I am going through. I couldn’t help but think, But would he want to know all of those details? I believe Americans feel honesty is the best policy and honesty means sharing details. We view revealing ourselves as being authentic. We are a ‘tell all’ country.
Is this an extroverted thing? Are introverts more interested in discretion?
I am starting to question this way of being. I know as an introvert I definitely do not want to know every detail of someone else’s trials and tribulations. I am all for vulnerability and emotional intimacy but that is reserved for special and meaningful relationships during exquisite moments. I have become more cognizant of what escapes my lips regarding my own life challenges and previous experiences, particularly when relationships are involved.
Perhaps discretion is key?
I have had a couple of relationships come to a screeching halt when things got ‘real’. When I had too many balls in the air (anything from kid discipline issues to conflict with my ex-husband) and shared the details, the men backed out.
Perhaps handling my own ups and downs is wise?
But… life is challenging. Life is about growth earned through making mistakes. How to work through those issues without burdening a partner with the drama?
The jardin secret
The French woman’s Jardin Secret is a place she goes to spiritually, intellectually, and sensually restore her sense of independence and power. — Jamie Cat Callan, French Women Don’t Sleep Alone
I do my best to keep space2live hidden from new men that I meet. It’s my not-so-secret, secret garden. My place of revealing and restoring. Writing for my readers and for myself is therapeutic — a self-administered salve to the soul. Space2live is decidedly not a stoic recounting of my experiences. I am open and raw when it comes to my occasional bouts of overwhelm. I don’t hide my need for solitude. I have exposed my failures and flaws. I ‘tell all’ and I can see where that might be scary and overwhelming to a new acquaintance. I would most likely lose my crown of stability.
Other possible secret gardens:
A new book that you get lost in for hours.
An old friend or lover that you still confide in.
A cafe where you go to sip tea and read articles about spirituality or sexuality.
A group of like-minded confidantes that you know have your back.
A run around the lake.
A stroll through an art museum or gallery.
Your own bedroom where you retreat to for solitude and/or a nap.
It is really any space, object or person that re-fuels you. Somewhere, something or someone you leave feeling a little more whole and confident than you did prior to the retreat or encounter. Women AND men have secret gardens. Introverts are particularly in need of secret gardens. We need them to re-energize, get away from stimulation and find peace.
According to Jamie Cat Callan author of French Women Don’t Sleep Alone, the French woman protects the Jardin Secret she shares with her husband, making sure it is a place of calm sharing and sensuality, a special place to retreat to just for them.
So, my understanding is that discretion and mystery (an aura of stability brought about by ample visits to a personal secret garden) are rewarded with a strong and magical relationship that will have its own secret garden.
That sounds like a worthy endeavor.
I have an enthusiastic urge to overshare that I will have to curb, but a stable sensual relationship with permission to retreat to a secret garden sounds like a beautiful combination, one closely resembling the ideal introvert cycle.
Do you share too much too soon? Do you have a secret garden? If so, where, what or who is it?
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