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This is me. This is me from the day I was born. For so long I felt misunderstood and rejected, even by the people closest to me, because they could never understand my need for solitude, and I had no idea how to explain it to them. Even now that I know more about Introversion and have a more informed understanding of my hard-wired need for solitude, it’s still very difficult sometimes to help my loved ones understand this profound craving for time and space all to myself. This is one of the best…
During one of the harder times in my life I found Brenda’s website
and reached out to her. To say the least it has been one of the best
decisions I have made. Being an extrovert I never quite understood
what it meant to romantically involved with an introvert. Brenda does
an incredible job listening, giving in the moment feedback, and helped
me understand the how an introvert functions. She helped explain to me
that I am introspective extrovert, and this gave something to identify
with and allowed me t…
Evan H.
Because of your blog, I know that it is possible for me to have the love that I want one day and that I don’t have to be alone.  — Indepthwoman  on space2live
Your site has saved my sanity and my life. Maybe even my marriage. I work part time and have two young boys at home, my husband is supportive of me but until recently I thought I was going crazy. … Reading your writing not only inspires me to pick up the pen again, but gives me nourishment in the deepest places. I will fight for balance. Everything you write is spot on… And wellness is so incredibly multifaceted.  I was ready to give up hope, but understanding myself through your words is bring…
Thank you for all the words. You’ve created the magic drug I’ve been looking for all my life. Your blog has transformed my life, and I feel like I am on the brink of a most satisfying fulfilling journey…You’ve made me see everything in a new light. I now feel calmer, able to care better for my toddler, less hateful of people around, and hopeful for my future. I am not so afraid for our marriage anymore. — Shilpa CB
Shilpa CB
Brenda has truly opened up a space for introverted types on the ‘net, and her self-revelations are always inspiring. Her voice is one I always look forward to. She is one of the writers that actually played a part in my return to writing.  — S.E. of Sunflower Solace Farms
S.E. of Sunflower Solace Farms
Your words are my lifeline.  I sit down to your posts and as I read I can feel my acceptance of myself and my needs grow.  Your words validate my feelings about my life, motherhood, relationships and it is something I hold onto.  And during the times when I feel like I am not able to be a mother or a wife or a sister or a friend or whatever someone needs me to be, I go back to your words and find some peace…I send your posts to my husband when I need him to understand that I love him but I need …

“I was struggling with my daughter (16 at the time) and our constant fighting. You said something to me that changed my life! You were speaking about your own situation and you said to me “my child could not handle my emotions”. This was a HUGE “lightbulb moment” for me and it forever changed the way I dealt with my emotions when I was around my daughter!

I am happy to say that things have never been better between my soon to be 18 year old daughter and myself! I honestly never thought we would…

Mom M
THANK YOU….. you just summed up my swirling thoughts into something i can read with out everything else in my head meshing with it. I finally feel like i can explain what happens within without getting distracted. I’m an Introvert with ADD and it makes it so hard to explain quite what im feeling sometimes. — M.G. on space2live
You’re so honest in your writing. It’s bold. It’s frank. It’s wonderful. I could definitely see the work you are doing here as a useful book. It could save/make a lot of relationships! — Jimmi Langemo
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How Does Introversion Affect Your Sexuality?


Do you need a deep emotional or mental connection in order to be sexually attracted to someone? If so, you may be a demisexual.  New word for you?  Me too, until I read, Are You a Demisexual? on Lonerwolf’s website. I encourage you to check out Lonerwolf. The writing is evocative and validating for loners, introverts, introspectives and those with the courage to be on the outside. Anyway, back to demisexual.  According to the post, a demisexual experiences no primary sexual attraction based on appearance, style or personality but may experience a secondary attraction based on a deep degree of connection.

According to a study done by Durex (a condom manufacturer), 96% of people say they need emotional connection for the best sex.  Demisexuals need mental intimacy for any sex to occur.

I am not a demisexual because I can be sexually attracted to someone based on appearance or personality but… the part about needing a deep emotional or mental connection resonated with me.  To be clear, when I say deep emotional connection I don’t mean you spent an hour talking about mutual friends or the TV shows you love .  I mean you could talk forever because you feel a soul companionship based on the way the other person looks at the world. You drink each other in sips because the emotional intimacy is so poignant, right and effortless that you want to savor it.

Do most introverts require such emotional intimacy for sexual satisfaction? We are averse to small talk. Are we averse to casual sex? Do we desire meaningful in all realms of connection?

Studies show that extroverts have more sex with more partners than introverts. Extroverts are bigger risk takers and generally hang out in bigger social circles so this information comes as no surprise.

Introverts spend a lot of time managing or conserving their energy.  Meaningful conversations and spiritual intimacy are energy generating for introverts.

Do introspectives require a deep bond in order to counter-balance the expenditure of sexual energy?

How has your temperament affected your choice of partners?

Do you prefer a partner with a similar or different temperament to your own?

Are you quiet in bed or expressive?

Does having a rich inner world make sex more pleasurable? The brain is the largest sex organ. Do introverts have a fantasy advantage?

Is a lot of stimulation too much to handle for an introvert?

As you can see, this post consists of many questions. I am infinitely curious about the way temperament affects sexuality.  I would love to hear honest responses from you.  I understand sex is a sensitive and private subject for many so feel free to reply discreetly via the email address or anonymously via the comment section below.  I promise to share (retaining everyone’s anonymity) what I learn about the introversion/sexuality crossover. Thank you in advance for your candid replies.

*I consider sex and sensuality beautiful and natural.  In its highest form, sexuality can be enlightening. I believe physical touch and connection should be honored and honorable.  Please keep your responses in the same vein.

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  1. Ann Nonymous March 25, 2016 at 7:32 pm - Reply

    What a wonderful website; I am so glad that I discovered it today, and this article, in particular. Thank you, Brenda, for opening up this discussion, and for all of the courageous posters who have shared their own experiences, which inspired me to share mine.
    I’m a 53 y/o HSP INFJ female, and I’ve done a lot of personal growth work and therapy over the years. Your article mentioned demisexuality, which I was not familiar with, either, until I did further research, and while I do not feel I can apply this particular label to myself (as I can definitely feel sexual attraction to others without having any emotional connection to them, I just never even come close to acting on it), it brought up a different but related issue for me, in that I found myself unwilling to continue engaging in sexual relations when the emotional connection in my relationship ultimately proved insufficient for my needs.
    I have been in a long-term committed relationship with my (ISTJ) husband for the past quarter of a century (married for 20 of those years now), and over 8 years ago, (following long months of some very good couples’ counseling with a highly intuitive therapist) I finally arrived at the decision that I was still very dissatisfied with our sex life, despite my husband’s coached efforts to connect with me emotionally, and so did not wish to continue being sexual with him. (My issues were mainly about feeling sexually ‘used’ by him when he happened to have a few spare minutes between projects coincide with an infrequent sexual urge, and my frustration that he was capable of spending 8 hours chatting with his buddies about what I consider shallow, materialistic things, but wouldn’t spend 8 minutes listening to me talk about issues that are meaningful to me (or giving me anywhere near the kind of validation and support that I provide him when he shares his thoughts or, more rarely, his feelings).
    Obviously, an utter lack of sex is (understandably) usually a deal-breaker in a relationship, particularly for a man, so I certainly expected him to want a divorce, but my husband (who has always had what I would consider a fairly low sex drive anyway) said that he loved me no matter what, and had no intention of ending our marriage (unless I were to want to have a relationship with someone else, which I did not (and still do not). When I said I would understand it if he wanted to get his sexual needs met by someone else, he looked at me as if that was utterly insane, and said he would never do that (which I think is actually true for him).
    I understand that this is a highly unusual situation, and one that most people would understandably find intolerable. It would be relatively easy for others to judge me as a withholding ice queen, but the truth is that, while I do love my husband, I just wasn’t able to continue going along with what for me was a very unhappy sexual status quo when my heart wasn’t in it. I have had a very happy sex life for years now (with myself – Woody Allen was right about masturbation being “Sex with someone you love” :), and I no longer resent my husband for being unable to meet my emotional needs – I accept that we each have very different ways of perceiving and being in the world, and I appreciate the ways in which he is good for me (including understanding my massive needs for solitude, freedom and quiet, not to mention his continued love for me despite a nonexistent sexual connection).

    • Brenda Knowles March 26, 2016 at 3:54 pm - Reply

      Wow Ann A. thanks for sharing so candidly. I have to say I can relate to your lack of interest in sex without connection. I actually think I am an INFJ as well, although I’ve spent years thinking I’m an INFP. I ‘get’ the feeling of being used. Sometimes I’ve cried after having sex when there was no emotional connection. It does not feel right or genuine to me, like I’m faking it and there is no real love sharing, just physical sensations. I also know what it is like to long for someone to listen to your ideas or discuss topics that light you up. It’s like being continuously disappointed. I definitely do not judge you. It sounds like you and your husband have an acceptance with your relationship’s dynamics. He is a guardian type. Very loyal and conventional. I hope you have a good circle of intuitive feeler friends. I loved the Woody Allen quote! I laughed out loud.:) Thank you again for your insightful comment.

      • Ann Nonymous March 26, 2016 at 10:15 pm - Reply

        Thank you so much for your kind and highly validating response, Brenda; I very much appreciated your thoughtfulness in taking the time to share it.
        And regarding your recent growing self-identification with INFJ, I would say that judging solely by the various posts of yours that I’ve read so far, and the strength with which I resonate with what you so eloquently communicate, your expression definitely feels more INFJ to me than INFP. It also occurs to me that the additional ‘flavor’ added by being an HSP (a trait with which I also identify) substantially heightens the subjective emotional tone, so I wonder if perhaps a highly sensitive INFJ might potentially be more prone to identify as an INFP. Just a thought.

        • Brenda Knowles March 28, 2016 at 10:37 am - Reply

          That’s an interesting point about an HSP being likely to identify as an INFP vs. an INFJ. Could be. I really go back and forth trying to figure out which is a better fit. They both fit rather well.;)
          Just know I hear and understand you. You’re not alone in your thoughts and feelings.

  2. Angel March 14, 2016 at 12:35 am - Reply

    I am in a loving relationship with an incredible man. He is very much the classic introvert while I am one who sways from a medium extrovert to a mild introvert. He has a strong male persona, yet when by ourselves, is funny and silly and can be quite talkative. Emotional he is not. If I bring up a problem, he will openly discuss it, which is helpful, but he is not one to talk about feelings without my starting the conversation. And even then, he is painfully accommodating me. He is not lovey-dovey or too obviously sweet,and you will wait a long while to hear a compliment from him, but if you pay attention, he is a very sweet boyfriend. He does things like holding hands and he will wrap us up together in the blanket while we watch tv, he cooks for us, and he will stop you in the hallway and kiss you like you have always wanted to be kissed. He is a very passionate man. And, I learned early, that since he is not openly expressive with his feelings, that it’s not only his communication with words that I have to pay attention to, but it is more what he is saying in the bedroom. This is where he communicates. This is where he is telling me how he feels. He may not talk much, but what he says with his passionate kisses and making love would fill volumes. Yes, I have to pay attention to him and “read” him and be cognizant of his need of alone time. But, honestly, it is nice to date a person who recognizes and verbalizes his needs upfront and, at the same time, values and respects my needs.

    • Brenda Knowles March 17, 2016 at 10:11 am - Reply

      Well said Angel. It’s so mature of you to realize how your man communicates. Yes, physical affection can be a powerful mode of expression. Is he an INTP or an ISTP? Those types are generally not too emotional or verbally affectionate. Enjoy your healthy and beautiful relationship. Thanks for sharing your experience.

  3. Bella June 15, 2015 at 11:40 pm - Reply

    I have fallen in love with an introverted man. It is also long distance. In the beginning our connection was amazing, he sang to my heart, he warned me of his introvert tendencies. Now I see that he is silent after sex, does not communicate often and works a lot. However, when the conversation does happen, he explains that he loves me, he thinks about me all the time and that he has long terms goals for our relationship and that he really does want to open up. As an extrovert i believe it should be easy for him but Im aware that its not I just want to help him in hidden ways because he also has a big ego.

    • Brenda Knowles June 16, 2015 at 7:06 am - Reply

      Are you content with the relationship as it is? He may learn to open up more but he may never be a free flowing fountain of verbal/emotional warmth. You have to trust your instincts as to the potential for connection with this man.

      I would continue to let him know you are there for him but also make sure he sees that you can be OK on your own. You are not waiting around for his attention. Do you have passions or deep interests of your own? Let him know you are OK with time apart (if you truly are). If his ego needs stroking, make him aware of what you love about him. Make him feel like he is more than enough man for you. He is what you want. He will have to trust you implicitly if he is to open up. Hope this helps.:)

  4. Mandy March 7, 2015 at 10:27 am - Reply

    Where do I even start to find out what his intimacy needs are or how to get to them?

    I have lived in a relationship with no kisses or hugs. Just coldness and eggshells. I am not trapped, my INTP does take good care of me in the department of things and possessions.

    I am an ESFJ and I usually feel like a failure when he has spent most of his intimate time in front of the mirror and he thinks I am asleep. It makes me furious.

    • Brenda Knowles March 8, 2015 at 8:17 am - Reply

      I would suggest starting with fortifying your own integrity. Know yourself and your own needs. Then as a whole, mature being approach him with a discussion about what you would like out of the relationship intimacy-wise. You both are in the relationship. INTPs are going to be less endearing and warm. It is how they are wired but they do have emotions. Please read a comment from reader, daemonzeiro, on my post titled, Introvert Relationships:Love Me or Leave Me but Please Don’t Need Me (Too Much). She is female INTP but explains their nature very well. She says they just need practice in order to open up emotionally. ESFJs are are generally so warm and people oriented. You are not a failure. You are simply in a relationship with someone who is wired differently. Check out the book, Passionate Marriage. It has a lot of good counsel about intimacy in a relationship. Best of luck. Remember your nature should be honored as well.

  5. a1an4 January 12, 2015 at 9:41 pm - Reply

    This is exactly how I feel.
    Disappointed when I’ve learned later in relationships (after the thrill and passion wears off perhaps, that I’m the only one. And sadly explaining what this is to someone who doesn’t get it, need it or want it is futile. I’ve had a number of relationships end shortly after this.
    I’m obviously missing something when it comes to selecting the ideal partner.

    • Brenda Knowles January 13, 2015 at 9:04 am - Reply

      You are the only one? I am an INFP too. Could you tell me more about your experiences? Are you speaking about needing and wanting emotional intimacy in order to move forward sexually? I’m interested in your response and experiences.

    • Diane March 2, 2015 at 5:24 am - Reply

      I am the extrovert and my boyfriend I am now finding out is an introvert.About 5 months ago he told me that he didn’t feel close enough to me to have sex anymore.(we have been together 2 years). I have been heart broken ever since. Thinking that he just doesn’t find me attractive anymore. I have zero self-esteem now and a good amount of my hair has fallen out from stress. Now that he sent me this link I am starting to understand But I still don’t even know where to begin. Or if I want to be with someone that I have to walk on egg shells around just to make sure he feels secure at all times just to be able to make love with him that night. I’m very confused. Can you help?? Or send this message to someone who can help…PLEASE???
      I’m 33 Yrs old, From, Pennsylvania. Thank You

      • Brenda Knowles March 2, 2015 at 2:32 pm - Reply

        Your boyfriend may be demisexual. He may require deep intimacy in order to have sex. In which case, your level of attractiveness has little to do with your appearance and more to do with your level of connectedness with him. What changed in your relationship after five months? Do you feel emotionally intimate with him? What makes him feel close to you? Talking? Sharing meaningful experiences?
        You mentioned making sure he feels secure. Is his ego threatened in some way? If you have to walk on eggshells that is not a healthy relationship. Ideally, we feel loved and secure with our loved ones.
        Speaking from my own experience, if sex becomes completely recreational (all fun and orgasm focused) and there is not enough sensual, spiritual connection, then I lose interest. It almost becomes exercise or fitness (which is good for you and feels good, but isn’t intimate).That is not to say that every sexual encounter has to be emotionally moving, sometimes down and dirty is exciting ;), but there should be a desire to be with your partner, not just get a physical release.
        I suggest you take care of yourself. Do what you love outside of your relationship and see if his attraction or desire for you increases again. He may find you too needy or too distant. I can’t tell from what you said in your comment. The important thing is you maintain your own integrity and don’t let his words/actions define who you are. Self-direct. Perhaps you are not meant to be with him. If not, you will survive and move on to a healthier relationship, if you want. If you are meant to be with him, your vulnerability right now could allow him to feel closer to you. Please don’t tie your happiness to his needs.You are responsible for your own happiness. I am sending you peace and strength. Hold your head up and focus on being the best you. If that does not work for him then you know your relationship is not sustainable. Thank you for sharing so candidly.

  6. Vernon September 28, 2014 at 1:47 am - Reply

    I love everything about a women and feel that I can make a deep connection with any women for that moment if they are open for connecting. For it to last beyond a moment there has to be complete surrender. I can’t surrender without trust. I love the thought of being one where souls merge . The sad thing is when trust is betrayed the thing I love the most is broken, the oneness and I recede into me and can’t come out . It is very difficult too explain that to someone that’s not connected inwardly. It’s so difficult to forgive if a person don’t understand how important trust is and how precious oneness is. If it’s not understood it’s a waste of time to try to build that broken bridge. So its so easy to get into the moments of connections the smells ,smiles, the touch of skin which, for a moment is satisfying and yet empty so why even bother. So I guess when it’s all said and done for me it’s better to be with someone who understands this unless you’re a glutton for pain. I can be alone by myself but to be alone with someone that’s lonely is unbearable to feel the pain and to know you can’t fix it. To love or not to love that is the question. I want want to merge ,immerse into , if incan’t I have myself and my God, thank goodness for God. As I travel towards the final frontier for me it is the other side of inner space, the other side of me I think it’s better to be alone. It is so unnatural. Too sum it up it’s easy to have sex but it can be a waste of time and energy when it’s casual. Believe it or not traveling in inner space takes time and energy. Thanks for letting me rant very seldom do I get a chance to rant about nothing and yet everything

    • Brenda Knowles September 28, 2014 at 6:35 pm - Reply

      Your words are so beautifully said. Thank you for sharing how you feel. I understand and feel everything you said. It is not worth it to me to have casual sex. It scratches the itch for brief time but then feels so empty later. The oneness is missing. The caring and trust is missing also. I think once you’ve experienced oneness, complete trust and surrender it is very difficult to be satisfied with sensation only sex. I am always looking for that safe space to love completely and surrender without worry. To be used for physical pleasure only is lonely to me. I’d rather be alone than be in a shallow relationship.
      Thank you again for your beautiful words. It’s a kind of relief to hear someone else echo your feelings. I hope you have someone heavenly in your life to share such lovely ideals.

  7. […] How Does Introversion Affect Your Sexuality? […]

  8. jim July 11, 2014 at 12:18 pm - Reply

    Fantastic article, I’m an introvert. My personality was tested when I got out of the army and I tested as an INTP. Which is ; introverted, intuitive, thinking, perceptive. Recently I have begun to question many things that happen in my brain, particularly in the realm of sexuality. I was starting to question whether I was sexual at all. I have never chased women, and walking on the street, I take only a passing interest in their looks. Upon thinking about having a conversation with them, I quickly lose interest. This occurs not only on the street but in very short relationships. Having sex usually leaves me feeling more empty than before, however, certain things, almost meaningless things, done with someone who is only my friend, have had such an emotional impact that I feel I couldn’t live without this person. She is not physically the type of woman who has quickly caught my eye in the past, however, she is everything to me. At 37 years old I have had only 12 relationships. Which are made up of 1 one night stand, 1 frienefit, 2 relationships lasting 2 years, the rest are relationships lasting under 2 months in duration, only 2 of those were emotionally satisfying and of those 2, only 1 was a two year relationship. I find myself to be very picky when it comes to partners. I feel that kissing a woman is more important than sex, and rubbing a woman’s feet while watching a movie on the couch is more gratifying. I think this only scratches the surface of the subject in question. It’s a very rich subject.

    • Brenda Knowles July 14, 2014 at 12:20 am - Reply

      I read your comment two days ago, got distracted and then thought I responded. Sorry for my delayed response. Hmmmm. I had several readers send me private messages stating that they don’t even kiss unless they feel deeply connected to someone. Kissing can be more intimate than sex in my opinion. I also had another reader say they felt so empty and bad after sleeping with someone they didn’t care about that they had to sleep on the floor next to the bed that night. They couldn’t stay in the bed with the sexual partner. Too intimate perhaps.

      Interesting that activities not typically considered intimate give you a feeling of deep connection.

      You have no interest in talking to women and making an emotional connection? How do you feel about emotional intimacy? Do you want a relationship?

      It’s good to be selective. According to my Myers Briggs books, INTPs approach all issues intellectually and are very private even within relationships. INTPs are not known to use a lot of terms of endearment either.

      You provided some interesting information. You are very self-aware. I think your type is likely to feel connected to someone if that person likes and does the same activities that you do. Doing such activities together is bonding.

      Best of luck in your search for self-knowledge and the elusive emotionally satisfying relationship.

  9. […] How Does Introversion Affect Your Sexuality? […]

  10. David March 3, 2014 at 4:01 pm - Reply

    Hey. Quite a stimulating article. I consider myself an introvert but i have some extrovert tendencies (on a scale I would say I place at 65% intro 35% extra… I’ve worked sales positions with great success, I can win over a crowd “comedian style” if you met me socially you would never know… it’s all about how an individual balances and recharges. I’m with an extrovert right now and I’ll be honest, it’s difficult to bridge the gap sometimes. She has done the whole casual sex thing/online dating and is perfectly fine hooking up with someone with little emotional connection. (at least at the beginning she can believe it) Personally, I like having a partner who I can share myself completely but I am ALWAYS looking to experience a contrary philosophy and learn from it… my goal is to challenge my beliefs with the most polar opposite opinions, I believe that’s the best way to grow. I am a guy and sometimes she gives me shit for being to soft and emotional, but at the same time we can see that no matter how extroverted the individual, eventually there is that base craving for emotional intimacy. I think it comes down to a person’s defense mechanisms. correct me if I’m wrong, but most extroverts want to be understood on a personal, dyadic level, a depth which is unattainable by large group interaction, it’s an intrinsic human desire. Where is there companionship if it is fueled by shared social gratification in a large group setting? EVERYONE wants to be understood… it’s just a timing thing, an ability to open up in a genuine and honest matter. Obviously NO-ONE should work too hard to make a relationship “work” by taking a disproportionate load of emotional investment but there is much to be learned from appreciating personal differences and the unique way they complement each others’ needs in a partnership. Honestly, I would get bored with another introvert.

    • Brenda Knowles March 4, 2014 at 9:01 am - Reply

      I love your refreshing perspective! I agree we all want to connect intimately (emotionally) at some point. The timing may be different but good communicators can work that out. I’ve been in serious relationships with both introverts and extroverts. They both were able to get to the deep emotional vulnerability. The difference I found regarding level of depth and ease of entering emotional availability had more to do with whether or not the person was a thinker or a feeler, task oriented or people oriented, objective or subjective, by nature. The feelers (people people) eased into emotional intimacy more quickly and with greater depth. Most introverts prefer depth to breadth when it comes to topics of interest. If they are interested in relationships/people they can go very deep quickly. I dated a very compassionate extrovert. Once I gave him a safe space to open up, he was all over every kind of intimacy. I was married to a task focused extrovert who didn’t get vulnerable or emotionally available until we were going through a traumatic divorce together. But he did become more available.
      My two cents. Thank you for your thoughtful response. Made me think. I guess I am always looking for new perspectives as well.:)

      • Sydney Woman May 15, 2014 at 10:02 pm - Reply

        I’m confused. My husband is an introvert and has no depth to him or emotional intimacy (we drifted into a relationship when I was 16 years old a couple of decades ago).

        I fell in love with this blog because of the constant chatter about emotional intimacy and deep conversations and yet I’m the worlds biggest extrovert and I feel like I’m starving to find people who want to connect deeply.

        I’m surprised to learn introverts are such deep thinkers. I just thought they were quiet people (with very little going on upstairs). I wish I knew this earlier and I would have made friends with more introverts. I really thought they were dull simple uncreative people just happy to be entertained by TV and other people entertaining them. Are you telling me that introverts are deep thinkers and desire emotional intimacy or is that just how you are?

        Also now that I know what I know, whats the best way to approach an introvert?

        • Brenda Knowles May 16, 2014 at 2:20 pm - Reply

          I would say that yes, most introverts are deep thinkers. We love dwelling in our inner-world. We get energy from going within. Too much stimulation on the outside will send us in search of solitude and reflective time. We very often love one on one meaningful conversations.
          I am still researching myself whether emotional intimacy is imperative to most introverts. I know there are outliers who don’t need deep connection at all. I think whether a person is a thinker or a feeler also has a lot to do with how much intimacy they need. Thinkers are more task oriented and focus on logic and problem solving. Feelers seek harmony and consider their own values as well as those of others in their circles.
          I would approach an introvert with soft easy questions. Draw them out. Don’t expect to get to know them in a big group setting. Pull them aside for meaningful communication. Small talk will bore them after a while.
          It’s true we are observers and do tend to like watching movies and reading books but we also enjoy talking about the movies and books with others. Thanks for the excellent questions. Hope I helped a little. 🙂

  11. […] Extroverted or Both? Relationships and Highly Sensitive People Space2Live: How Does Introversion Affect Your Sexuality? Am I Too Sensitive? Highly Sensitive Person […]

  12. Kristina January 5, 2014 at 5:15 am - Reply

    Thank you for this post! In a world of extroverts, it’s comforting to read about others’ experiences and feelings that mirror your own.

    As an 18 year old female, I’ve been gradually coming to terms with the fact that I need that deep emotional or mental connection to feel comfortable in any sort of act of physical intimacy (including kissing.) It feels so… alien to me otherwise.

    However, a significant problem arises when you discover yourself to also be an extremely sexual person (as I am and have always been).
    The situation that follows is a kind of inner war zone; the need for sexual intimacy is truly overwhelming and tears at you constantly, but it is absolutely imperative that the person you are sexually intimate with is one who you are also emotionally and mentally connected to.

    And until you find such a person (who comes along once every lifetime), you’re left sexless. Sexless and frustrated. It’s akin to what an elastic band feels when it’s being pulled in opposite directions.


    • Brenda Knowles January 5, 2014 at 5:37 pm - Reply

      Kudos to you for being so self-aware at 18 years old. The fact that you are deeply open to emotional and mental connection will help it find you. Be choosy. Relationships will promote your growth and help you evolve into the best human you can be. Only the truly significant individuals (the ones that light you up and revel in your expansion) are worthy of your love. Only share your body with those who respect you. You are young. You will learn who is mature and who is not – the hard way.
      I understand being a sexual being. I am too. I’ve learned a lot of me (my heart) goes into making love with someone. It needs to be a mature, loving relationship or I am left feeling horribly empty afterwards. Sexless feels better than empty, trust me. Only invest with your body if your heart feels safe. Just my ‘old lady’ advice.;)
      Thank you for sharing your story.

      • Jenifer Beaumont October 24, 2014 at 6:26 pm - Reply

        I have discovered I am an introvert – only partly like the reader above: I both think deeply and need trustful connection to be satiated in every way including to have really have good sex. I share amazing tantric level, spiritual connections when I feel loved and sexually committed to until my lover panics at my withdrawal and leaves me feeling unaccepted and likely to be rejected. At these times I become distraught and focus on a project…….then I feel renewed and able to provide all my gifts once again in a manner them leaves them feeling enticed, desperate, enchanted, needy, fulfilled and out of control: I’m the cure and the cause.

        • Brenda Knowles October 26, 2014 at 7:45 am - Reply

          I love your description of your sexuality. I believe I am very similar. I am more mindful of my withdrawals and their effect on my significant others. It’s all a dance and a learning experience. Thank you for sharing your beautiful description of the dance.:)

  13. […] 2. How Does Introversion Affect Your Sexuality? Apparently, we want to know how our temperament affects our libido. I also did a survey on sexuality and posted the results here. […]

  14. […] How Does Introversion Affect Your Sexuality? […]

  15. […] How Does Introversion Affect Your Sexuality? (space2live) […]

  16. Heather October 26, 2013 at 7:26 am - Reply

    re the kissing thing… do we think introverts feel kissing is so much a letting go of themselves and who they are, that insider, that they hold back on it and in fact often don’t kiss much in the early part of a relationship?

    • Brenda Knowles October 26, 2013 at 11:57 pm - Reply

      A few of my readers did mention difficulty with kissing -seeing it as extremely intimate therefore requiring a deep connection before it occurred. Personally, I’m a big fan of kissing. I have to like and be attracted to someone to kiss them but I don’t have a guard up about it like I do with sex.
      Good question.:) Thanks.

  17. Lisa October 24, 2013 at 9:50 am - Reply

    Hi, Thank you for writing this article, I am an extrovert, and my boyfriend who lives with me is an introvert, and truthfully he is not affectionate with me at all most days,.. although he was in the very beginning. It is really hard for me to understand him, he is quiet and stays up hours after I go to bed. This makes me feel he doesn’t like me, but tells me he loves me. I guess after reading this I come off as needy,.. but only because I think I never understood. Can any of you suggest some things I CAN DO, to please him,.. or NOT get on his nerves? I do love him,.. but I just don’t know how to make him happy.

    • Brenda Knowles October 24, 2013 at 11:13 am - Reply

      Light up his mind. Is there a subject or favorite cause that you both care about deeply? Think back to the beginning. Were there nights when you stayed up late talking? What inspires him?

      Let him know you understand why he needs time to himself.

      Be independent and interesting yourself. Don’t wait around for him to do everything with you. Go out, follow your bliss/energy. He’ll miss you (or at least be recharged from solitude) and you’ll have more engaging conversations when you re-connect.

      Make him feel valued and respected. It’s easy for introverts to feel inferior to extroverts because extrovert action and socializing is so prized in our culture.

      Big credit to you for becoming more knowledgable about introversion and caring enough about him to ask for pointers.;) Communication is key, but keep it meaningful.

  18. […] the end of June I wrote, How Does Introversion Affect Your Sexuality? It touched on  demi-sexuality, a sexual orientation that requires a deep emotional connection […]

  19. […] (image from Space2Live) […]

  20. […] How Does Introversion Affect Your Sexuality? ( […]

  21. lawliett79 July 28, 2013 at 9:19 am - Reply

    You have touched on a raw nerve here, lol. I have not let myself close to anyone, and have a few *possible* (yea, right) potential bgf relationships in the past..but I never let it go too far. At the best, we were good friends and constantly called or texted each other.

    I MAY BE a demisexual..and erm yea, I don’t quite know what ‘sexually attracted’ means…so I have no authority to comment on that. I admit, yes I’ve turned red in the face a few times a physically attractive man comes too close to me. :X Is that ‘sexually attracted’? If possible, then I’m not demisexual but absolutely refuse to have anything physical going with someone I have no mental or emotional connection with (poor body image helps, too). xD

    Thanks for your lovely posts.

    • brennagee July 30, 2013 at 7:59 am - Reply

      You may be a demisexual. Emotional connection is key. In order to have that you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable, take a risk.

      You could be extremely shy too. I hope you find a shining star individual who may also be shy and/or demi-sexual. Not because you need someone to complete you but because you need someone to give you permission to be you. Perhaps even a celebrity could be a role model. Let yourself blossom.

  22. throwawayAccount July 19, 2013 at 3:43 pm - Reply

    First off, I’m quite the introvert – I don’t know how to shake hands, and I hate hugs and small-talk.

    After sex with a person I have no emotional attachment to, I often feel the need to be alone. Just the other day I girl I had sex for the first time with asked for a cuddle afterwards (after a whole string of needy behavior I managed to ignore) – I felt this deep sense of disgust wash over me, and mind you it’s not shame; the neediness in her voice was just so off-putting.
    I can’t help but feel like an awful person, even tho I know it’s due to the nature of dopamine receptors introverts like I have – they are too sensitive, and the intense nature of sex can over-flood them, giving you a massive “down” afterwards.
    That night I slept on the floor, anything else would have resulted in a massive anxiety attack.

    I felt the need to share this, because sometimes, it really “isn’t you – it’s me.”
    Girls, if you are attracted to an introvert handle them with care, look at them as cats – you never go to a cat to pet it, you have to wait for it to come to you.
    Once you cross that barrier it gets much better – before that, we’re a bunch of needy little brats.

    Sigh, I miss meaningful sex.

    Sorry for sounding like a complete whinge but I HAD to vent somewhere.

    • brennagee July 20, 2013 at 8:36 am - Reply

      Wow, so much to consider here… I am not a sexpert so I am just going to speak from my own experience and what I have heard from other readers. I have cried after sex when I felt no emotional attachment to my partner. It just felt so false and against my nature. It’s hard for me to have sex without an emotional attachment first. It seems like you don’t have a problem with that. It’s the scene afterwards that troubles you. I also find neediness off-putting, and feel guilty for not wanting to help/fix/satisfy someone. I believe this resistance to other’s needs is a strategy to preserve our own energy. We can’t take on lots of other interactions because it will drain us. Frustrating that it affects our generosity.
      I like your cat analogy. I wonder if that is more accurate for male introverts. I appreciate being approached but not overwhelmed. I don’t want someone in my face or with a lot of needs or dependency but I like it when it’s obvious they are interested.

      I have found meaningful sex wipes out all of the above issues. No crying afterwards, no resistance. May you experience the good stuff soon.:)

      Thank you for your forthrightness. You are not an awful person. You obviously have a conscience. Oh the introverted nature, so faceted.

    • Heather October 26, 2013 at 7:41 am - Reply

      wow, you sound just like my bf, well how he was in the early days and how he explained he felt. I think when you find the right partner and talk lots of these issues will be things of the past. The after sex cuddle was really hard for him to even understand though he liked the feeling of intimacy the sex had given him. now he can hold onto me though I know that my need for that cuddle is not as necessary as our depth of relationship, the spirituality and understanding between us means that physical closeness is no longer the only indicator of closeness. And it was him, in his own time, who offered the cuddle! very briefly at first…

      • Brenda Knowles October 27, 2013 at 12:01 am - Reply

        Awesome! I believe there is a right partner out there. I just need to be whole myself and open to possibilities. I know what you mean about depth of relationship. That is its own form of intimacy. It has been my experience that emotional intimacy brings miraculous physical intimacy. Glad you are getting some cuddling.;)
        Thanks for sharing.

  23. […] How Does Introversion Affect Your Sexuality? (space2live) […]

  24. Casey Sheridan July 10, 2013 at 11:28 am - Reply

    I just stumbled upon your blog and proceeded to follow it, as well as Twitter and Facebook. I’m definitely an introvert (and I live in a dusty house with cats and classic books 🙂 ) and was so happy to find a blog about us introverts.

    Your blog is great. And I love this post.

    I can’t say whether or not I’m a demisexual, but more than likely I’m not.

    I can be sexually attracted to someone based on personality and appearance, but that’s as far as it will go. I don’t act on it. I definitely can’t do casual sex, or the “friends with benefits” thing. I know me. I know I have to have an emotional connection to the person.

    • brennagee July 10, 2013 at 8:53 pm - Reply

      Welcome to introvert land! Safe place to feel at home.

      It makes sense that many introverts would need a strong emotional connection before getting involved sexually. We value our own inner worlds so highly. Physical intimacy without being able to share emotions/feelings/a connection seems like something is missing – namely a big part of ourselves. Like going to a party and only finding small talk. We need that deep meaningful conversation on the corner of the couch.;)

      Thank you for connecting with me. I checked out some of your work. Fascinating. It’s silly hard to be a suburban mom with a fascination of sensuality, but I do it anyway.;)

  25. chehaw June 30, 2013 at 12:57 pm - Reply

    I feel like I’m in the same boat as Lobster. I can sexually attracted to someone, but if there’s no connection emotionally, I’ll turn away. The quality of the relationship means a lot. Sometimes, though, I wonder if we introverts have standards that might be a tad bit high for our potential partners to reach. Anyway, I just discovered this blog last week, and have thoroughly enjoyed reading about your journey. Can’t wait to read more. Keep living and keep writing.

    • brennagee June 30, 2013 at 7:49 pm - Reply

      As my introvert life coach once told me, “You have beautifully high standards.” So yes, I do believe we introverts have high expectations. A few months ago I was beginning to rue my high standards regarding romantic relationships. No one seemed to work. There was always a fatal flaw. My step mother gave me the go ahead to be selective/picky but also reminded me that no one is perfect. The next person I began dating ticked all my boxes. So far no fatal flaws. At first I found myself looking for potential problems (as I always do) but then I decided to relax and let the relationship play out more before I threw in the towel. Once I relaxed my partner relaxed. It became easier to be emotionally vulnerable thus creating a stronger emotional connection.

      Thank you for your thoughtful comment and kind words. So truly appreciated.:)

  26. May S June 29, 2013 at 6:00 pm - Reply

    I’m not sure whether I’m demi sexual or not, but to me, nothing works without that deeper connection. If there’s no connection, sex gives me absolutely nothing, and it makes me feel empty and even more dissconnected from the person, and I get depressed too.
    I always used to wonder what was wrong with me, and if I was wired in the wrong way, but this post really gave me some huge aha moments 🙂
    I don’t fall for a persons’ looks, and that’s usually never why I’m attracted to someone. I am far more likely to fall for a personality, or what’s in someone’s heart.
    And yes, most of my friend think I’m nuts and weird.
    Thank you so much for all your posts, I find so many aha moments, and peace of heart and mind when reading them 🙂

    • brennagee June 30, 2013 at 7:24 pm - Reply

      I am completely aligned with you regarding the need for a deep connection before sex. Personality, temperament, communication skills and whether or not someone is genuinely kind are my hot buttons.;) I want to love their brain and spirit first, then a physical relationship is effortless.

      Thank you so much for your candid response. You are not nuts or weird, just selective. The wonderful thing is if you find someone who lights up your mind and heart, the sex is out of this world.;) Truly making love.

    • Madmom November 1, 2013 at 9:46 am - Reply

      I just stumbled across this blog. To the reader above: I am right there with you. I am exactly the same. And yes, my friends think I have lost my mind when they find out who I happen to be attracted to, but I am the one who thinks they are the strange ones. They by pass many people who could make their world beautiful.

  27. kimberlyharding June 29, 2013 at 7:51 am - Reply

    Although not the focus of this posting- I love your line about introverts spending a lot of time managing and conserving their energy. My gosh, this is so true! I am constantly doing this. Everyone thinks it’s b/c I am a Type A person who likes to be organized. That is only part of the story- I am trying to conserve my energy around people. I have just spent 12 days!!! traveling with my stepkids, husband, and his extended family! I am wiped out!!!

    • brennagee June 30, 2013 at 7:15 pm - Reply

      Do you feel if you are more organized you can be more relaxed and spend less energy? I’ll do just about anything to conserve or create more energy so I’m open to suggestions.;)
      Take care of yourself post traveling. Vacations are supposed to be relaxing but often I come home way more wired. I have had a handful of rejuvenating vacations so I know they can happen. They usually involved a slow pace, solitude and sensitive or introverted companions.

      • kimberlyharding July 1, 2013 at 7:43 am - Reply

        You are absolutely correct. I am compulsively organized in an attempt to get to a point that I can relax. Great idea to take care of myself after traveling. My immediate instinct is to push to get things done. Thanks for your great post.

  28. Luna June 29, 2013 at 5:09 am - Reply

    Wow, thanks very much for sharing the article I wrote Brenna! You ask some very thought provoking questions and it’s adding more and more to my curiosity about sexual energy and the way temperament affects sexuality. Last time I checked the poll on the Demisexual article it said that most of the readers were straight, though I can’t help but wonder whether sexuality evolves with age, just as personality does. For instance, I used to believe I was straight until I discovered I was more on the bisexual spectrum. That’s one of the reasons why I like keeping an open mind to life, it’s always evolving, sometimes gradually, sometimes in a burst of spontaneity that takes your breathe away.

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this fascinating topic!

    • brennagee June 30, 2013 at 7:11 pm - Reply

      Thank you for such a thought provoking post. I didn’t comment on your site but the word and definition of demisexual stuck with me. I knew it was something I wanted to sexplore further.;)

      I have become more open minded regarding sexuality as I get older. I support all orientations. I see my sexuality evolving. I express my sexuality way more than I used to and I know better what it takes to have a beautiful sexual relationship. It is vital to me to have a strong emotional connection. I almost can’t bear sex without it. Which is why the demisexual article intrigued me.

      Always keep your lovely open mind. Keep observing life’s evolution. I know there are many things that have changed my perspective, often leading to the exact opposite reaction I would have had a few years ago.

      Thanks again for the inspiration.

  29. Doug Toft June 28, 2013 at 8:43 pm - Reply

    This is the post I’ve been waiting for. Way to go. All I can say is: please read David Deida’s “Way of the Superior Man”—a book that weds sexuality to spiritual practice. He offers answers to many of your questions and has been a guide for me.

    • brennagee June 29, 2013 at 11:25 am - Reply

      Yes! Deida’s book is on my ‘must read’ list. Now I must find a copy.;) I look forward to exploring its contents. Thanks Doug.

  30. Lobster June 28, 2013 at 6:19 pm - Reply

    Very interesting post – again! And timely as I have been pondering such things myself this month. I don’t believe I am demisexual as l, like you, can be sexually attracted to someone based on appearance and personality however that is all it is. Attracted. I can’t or won’t act on that attraction unless there is a connection. Does that make me demisexual? Or is that my introversion? In my inner fantasy world of personal thoughts and ideas I have no problems acting on mutual attraction, but in the physical reality….

    I usually need to have built up trust, friendship, understanding and have an actual interest in them and what they are saying before that desire can even translate to something as simple as a kiss.

    Let’s just say that I have passionately kissed far fewer people than some of my close friends have had sex with…

    • Lobster June 28, 2013 at 6:38 pm - Reply

      Edit – having read Lonerwolf – definitely not demisexual.

    • brennagee June 29, 2013 at 11:23 am - Reply

      Oh thank you for sharing your sexuality truths! I have similar feelings. I have had a little over a year of sexploration since my divorce was final. It’s been eye opening.;) I am a sexual being. I found sex without deep connection very empty and it made me feel almost depressed. In my new freedom I had to test the waters. I’m very selective now.

    • Merilini July 19, 2013 at 1:07 pm - Reply

      Heh, me too – have kissed less people than some have had sex with. I consider kissing to be pretty intimate and thus not the be practiced with every hunk of meat you see.

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