Introverts crave interactions of meaning and depth. Such connecting fills us up and depletes us less. Could physical touch be as fulfilling and meaningful as verbal caressing? Is connecting through touch comparable to emotional intimacy? Is physical contact more or less draining than verbal communication?
Much like learning a new language, I’m deciphering the nuances and unspoken words of physical affection. I’m paying attention to its cadence, its message, its energy and how it feels as it brushes across my lips and dances with my body.
In the past, I saw words and actions as primary paths for communication and affirmation. Conversation and acts of service are admittedly my first languages. Their familiar grooves still long to be traced but my vocabulary is expanding. I feel I could be trilingual if allowed to practice and master physical touch in a safe space with a willing teacher.
Collecting Nurturing Touch as a Child
As a child, my tender psyche noted and collected nurturing touch.
The physical affection of my childhood:
1. The consistent ritual of kissing parents goodnight.
2. The indelible comfort of being wrapped in Grandma’s soft arms and bosom.
3. The affirming feel of Grandpa’s stubby and strong fingers deeply massaging my bony shoulders.
4. The overwhelming relief when Grandma rubbed my back when I couldn’t sleep.
5. The cherished warmth and safety of having my head on Dad’s chest as he read his Speedsport magazine.
My mom showed her affection more through caregiving and verbal encouragement. Mom was always there for us. A steadfast supporter, but a reluctant hugger. That’s changed. She now gives hugs more freely.
Safe, consistent touch = good but missing something
The physical connection with my husband provided safety, security and consistency but I think we would both agree it lacked spark and sensuality. Sure, we danced in the kitchen a little, pat each other on the bum occasionally, but we played it conservative and emotionally detached most of the time. I remember watching with envy as my brother-in-law and sister-in-law kissed passionately during their wedding ceremony. My husband and I did a traditional closed-mouth kiss at ours— playing it down for the crowd rather than amping it up for ourselves.
We went with proper rather than throwing color into our language.
Years later, when we did try to amp up our physical connection, my energy tank was empty after spending all day with three children. The emotional intimacy piece still waned and tension made touch over-stimulating rather than arousing.
Enter Sensuality
Since my divorce, I’ve been more open to learning a new language. A romance language of sorts. 
I’ve learned to speak more freely with my body. I’m not talking about sex. I’m talking about sensuality. Enjoying pleasure through touch. Communicating through contact.The most melodic language never spoken.
I’ve found kissing for hours to be akin to meditation. It is presence. It gets me out of my head and into our bodies. Rhythm, mirroring and spontaneity converge to speak in sync. Our movements echo each other but also veer and voice their own intentions. The voice within the pressing of bodies says the unsaid. Our hearing peaks and listening is effortless. It’s heavenly to be heard without having to say anything.
Physical connecting with a partner grounds me. For a time, it stops my future-oriented mind from worrying forward. It places me sensually in the now. My only focuses — touching and being touched. It’s spectacular and leaves me speechless in the best way.
Is touch enough?
My relationship with physical touch as a child was all about warmth, comfort, support and tenderness.
I’ve been looking for that ever since, but nurturing touch isn’t enough anymore. I now know the bliss of sensuality. The power of pleasing the senses with slow touch and feather-light kisses. I can’t go back to pre-sensuous.
As an introvert, everything is better when my energy tank is full. Sleep and solitude provide delicious foreplay to physical affection and just about everything else.
I have been filled up by hot and sweet dancing. I have felt the high of a superior make-out session. I have been depleted by too much physical play and not enough emotional connection.
There may be a day when physical connection completely satisfies my need for intimacy. For now, 
I still crave verbal affirmation. It stimulates my left brain with its language prowess. It lights up my mind and opens my body to new possibilities. I’ve never been closer to feeling comforted and satisfied with physical touch alone, than I am today. Touch my face and I feel tenderness. Kiss my forehead and I feel deep warmth. Dance with me and I’m energized. But…
I still get the biggest buzz from emotional intimacy primed with meaningful conversation.
I believe many men speak touch more fluently than verbal expression. I’m willing to take lessons in this love language but I have to feel safe with the teacher. I need to speak with them in my native language —validating, idea-generating, words— first.
How do you feel about physical affection? Does it energize you? Is it too much stimulation?
If this piece resonated or affected you in a meaningful way, I would truly appreciate it if you would share it with others who may benefit. Thank you!!
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My love language is verbal affirmation too followed by touch in that order so I could completely relate to you
I am a big fan of the Love Language Quality Time as well but often that gets confused with quantity time which I like a little less.;)
That’s interesting, I never considered that, quality over quantity time. What tyme of person drains your energy and is there any character/personality that doesn’t drain your energy? I find new novel and interesting situations and people don’t drain me as much but same ole’ does exhaust me as do younger overly energetic children. Is there a scale or is it more like on/off or draining/ energizing personalities?
I appear to many as an extrovert to the extreme and yet I need a lot of downtime to rejuvenate. Can introverts appear to have massive bouts of energy and then need time to withdraw and re-energetize
I am similar to you as consistent everyday needs for attention drains me more than novel situations and people do. Young highly energetic children and even pets can drain me. The constant interruptions for attention, I believe, are what empty my fuel tank the quickest.
I think what defines introverts is the need to recharge in quiet or solitude. Our sensitivity to stimulation separates us from the extroverts. We can be outgoing, fun and social but it takes a toll on our energy and the best way to recharge is with low-stimulation downtime. Thanks for your insightful questions.:)
[…] How Do Introverts Feel About Physical Affection? Is It As Energizing As Emotional Intimacy? […]
Really interesting post Brenda. I’d say that a physical connection is really important to me and can actually energise me provided it is with the right person – there has to be a deep meaningful connection first. Beautifully written post as always.
I’m the same way. Need that emotional intimacy to be physically open and intimate. I am learning to feel physical touch as a form of communication though. I have a new appreciation for the part it plays in relating.
Thanks for reading and sharing Kathryn.
Hmmm….good one. When I have been in a balanced relationship, I love affection. But when I have experienced unbalanced relationships that come from a needy or controlling place, I would say I am repelled by affection then. Been single for a long time now, so have learned to get that need met in other ways. Massage, yoga, QiGong. It sure is a complex subject, in my experience. Thanks for the post. 🙂
Too much focus on physical touch is repelling. I start to feel unsatisfied and maybe a bit used. I definitely need that emotional intimacy to give me the energy/courage to be physically loving.
I love that you have discovered other ways to score physical affection. I have a friend who is a massage therapist. She sees lots of clients in search of touch. I’ve seen her myself! 🙂
I love receiving affection. Better than any compliment.
I received it as a child, but in a stiff upper lip British sort of way. As November mentioned, I too feel awkward giving it though. I have to feel very comfortable with someone to give it. I am also HSP and if someone is too full on I have to back off totally to the point of leaving. Rapidly.
I must admit, I have not ever been in a position of having too much. Because I suppose I am usually too standoffish. You have to have made it into the inner circle to reach out for a hug without me backing around the room!!
If I can’t feel the depth and intimacy there is no hope for anything else. But…physically, if the groundwork has been laid, the trust, depth, sharing has happened then, wow. I could quite happily drown in physical bliss without a word being spoken. Until the verbal sharing intimacy tank was empty, then I would need that more. Wow, fickle.
It is a tough balance and unfortunately real life doesn’t bend totally to your ideal perfection. I have been lucky enough in my life so far to make a fleeting connection that ticked most intellectual boxes but the standout fact was that he rocked my world physically. We established a great friendship, a deep intimacy and a completely transparent vulnerability. But it was not meant to be. And another connection, my long term current one, that is stable and loving, shared ideals, shared goals. We have the best time together, but i’m still working on the passion…I really feel that what is missing here is the shared vulnerability. The desire to be open with no fear of the consequence. But it can’t be forced. I am at a stage in my life where I am feeling the confidence to be open and not to fear the nakedness it affords me. It has taken many years but I am hoping he reaches this stage too.
But then Brenda, in your second to last sentence in reply to Rod, I agree that purely physical relationships don’t seem to last long (in fact looking back, i recognise this with my previous lover, it did not get quite to that point, but I noticed that the previously valued conversation was waning in favour of just jumping on each other!). That may be the crucial point to be aware of. Maybe I should not wish for something that might drop the scales of balance in the wrong direction…The loyal warmth and caring attitude of my INFJ is something I value greatly. And that is what it comes down to. Can you have it all? I’m not sure with human nature that we would even recognise if we did! We can always fault or want for something…
‘physically, if the groundwork has been laid, the trust, depth, sharing has happened then, wow. I could quite happily drown in physical bliss without a word being spoken. Until the verbal sharing intimacy tank was empty, then I would need that more.’ You said this so well! That is exactly how I am and have been. It is difficult to keep things balanced between emotional/intellectual intimacy and physical intimacy but that is what I truly want. I can completely let go and be open physically if I feel emotionally secure and nourished. I do think there is hope with the loyal caring types. Hopefully, the more vulnerable you are the more he opens up too. Do something exciting and maybe a little dangerous together, like taking a trip somewhere off the grid or go diving or volunteer somewhere sketchy. Excitement helps with passion and connecting. Thanks for sharing such lovely points.
Thank you Brenda. I have to say that the start of my journey was when I found your blog, after finding out I was an introvert. Since then every post has given me a little something more. I try to impart a little on him without pushing – I hate being pushed – and just hope he takes a little on board. But every now and then we need a push. Just last night I must have been subconsciously aiming in the direction of your advice…I have booked us a trip off grid!! Road trip, dirt tracks, waterfall country. We leave in 2 weeks 🙂 Very last minute for us planning types!!!
Awesome!!! You go girl! Have a passionately exciting time.:)
I’m an introvert and I LOVE affection, probably because I received very little as a child. Plus, affection is a way to say “I care for/love you” without words. (I feel uncared-for and unloved when someone does not show me physical affection.) I feel awkward giving affection to a lot of people though, even to my closest friends. I feel awkward physically consoling people, probably because I received this very seldom as a child. (When I did dare to be emotionally vulnerable, my mother took the narcissist’s path and either didn’t respond to my sadness or spoke to me in a way that pushed me away. I have never been held close and consoled/encouraged by my parents.)
I’ve been separated from my husband for 7 months and it’s been even longer since I received true affection from him, and I GREATLY miss it (I also acknowledge that I probably acted in a way that pushed him away). There was a *feeling* I felt when hugged by him that I miss so incredibly much. I felt such a huge sense of relief and protection, unlike anything I ever felt before. Unfortunately, I do NOT believe that “love conquers all” and there are problems that I just don’t believe we can overcome–I wish that wasn’t the case. But I still have a shred of hope that I can find someone who will fill in those gaps in my life that I need filled. Hopefully I will feel that relief and protection again. I’m only 34, so even though my standards are now raised and I’m more picky, I hope that the next 40 years will be enough for me to find love.
However, I put very little value on sex in my life. I have a very low sex-drive, and I’m rarely interested, and I never connect emotionally with my partner, even my husband. However, I’m constantly interested in affection. I would much rather be hugged or snuggled for an hour than have sex. (My parents rarely show affection towards each other and I assume they stopped having sex after I was born–to them, sex is dirty/unncessary/sinful and only for procreation, at least that’s my assumption–they never talked about it. Again, I assume I am the way I am because of them.)
November you brought up a very good point in that you love physical affection but are uncomfortable giving it. I suppose I am too to a degree. When my children were babies I had no trouble holding, hugging, rocking them. It was easy and natural but as they got older it seems like it got harder – either they pulled away from me (my boys) or they asked for it more and more (my daughter). Somehow, it’s harder for me to give when it’s requested of me. Strange. I now make a point of making sure the kids each get some physical affection from me daily.
I have experienced that safe protected feeling in the arms of a man. It is heavenly. I crave that too. For me, if there is enough of the safe protected affection and some kind of emotional connection then sex is easy and beautiful. I thought I had a low sex drive when I was married. I have found that to be not true since I’ve been single and dating. Perhaps your feelings around that will change too if you find a partner who puts you at ease and makes you feel safe and sexy.;) I understand your parents’ feelings toward sex may influence your own. You are more than your parents’ influence though. Don’t forget that.:) Thanks for sharing so candidly November. Always appreciate your input.
In my HSP opinion:
Emotional intimacy via conversation is the ULTIMATE in making a bond with another: That depth, flow and understanding that sends shivers down your spine is the thing that wins me over every time. I fall in love (and make friends) with people so readily who can reach my soul with their words. Physical intimacy without depth and sensitivity is for the most part overstimulating and can often feel like ‘too much’ like an ambush rather than a dance!!
Great post.
I am on the same page with you Rod. Depth and sensitivity are the ultimate turn on for me. They make physical intimacy amazing. Without the emotional connection/verbal bonding the physical it is harder to get lost in or totally enjoy. I start wondering if the relationship is all about the physical if there is not enough meaningful verbal connecting. Purely physical relationships don’t seem to last long.
Thanks for your thoughtful response.