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I have been dating an introverted man who I am very in love with for almost 2 years.  Reading your posts have helped me to be more supportive and understanding to him especially during the times when he needs space.  I just wanted to thank you for your weekly posts and let you know how helpful they are for someone who is in a relationship with an introvert. C.M. on space2live
THANK YOU….. you just summed up my swirling thoughts into something i can read with out everything else in my head meshing with it. I finally feel like i can explain what happens within without getting distracted. I’m an Introvert with ADD and it makes it so hard to explain quite what im feeling sometimes. — M.G. on space2live
Your site has saved my sanity and my life. Maybe even my marriage. I work part time and have two young boys at home, my husband is supportive of me but until recently I thought I was going crazy. … Reading your writing not only inspires me to pick up the pen again, but gives me nourishment in the deepest places. I will fight for balance. Everything you write is spot on… And wellness is so incredibly multifaceted.  I was ready to give up hope, but understanding myself through your words is bring…
I met Brenda and took the MBTI… I had a fairly good understanding of these types before the meeting but was impressed by the depth of knowledge that Brenda shared with me. She clearly has a passion for this work and a gift in imparting the information. There have been doors opened for me because of our talks… — Alan Hintermeister
Alan Hintermeister
You’re so honest in your writing. It’s bold. It’s frank. It’s wonderful. I could definitely see the work you are doing here as a useful book. It could save/make a lot of relationships! — Jimmi Langemo
Jimmi Langemo
This is me. This is me from the day I was born. For so long I felt misunderstood and rejected, even by the people closest to me, because they could never understand my need for solitude, and I had no idea how to explain it to them. Even now that I know more about Introversion and have a more informed understanding of my hard-wired need for solitude, it’s still very difficult sometimes to help my loved ones understand this profound craving for time and space all to myself. This is one of the best…

“I was struggling with my daughter (16 at the time) and our constant fighting. You said something to me that changed my life! You were speaking about your own situation and you said to me “my child could not handle my emotions”. This was a HUGE “lightbulb moment” for me and it forever changed the way I dealt with my emotions when I was around my daughter!

I am happy to say that things have never been better between my soon to be 18 year old daughter and myself! I honestly never thought we would…

Mom M
For the first time in my life I could truly explain, through your words the way in which I experience life and myself. Brenda… It all fell into place. I had found myself and had such a moment of clarity. It felt like such a big weight was lifted off of my shoulders. Finally I felt like it was ok to be me. I was not the only one. I had found people and a little space where I fit in. … I was at work and crying on the inside. Emotions ran wild inside me. I was ecstatic, sad, confused, motivated, i…
BRENDA: thank you SO much! Your advice is exactly what I need to do. I am amazed how much you “get” me after only exchanging a few messages!… Again, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You’ve helped me more than a year of therapy sessions! – Megan on space2live
I think I want to print out your articles and hand them out as a sort of relationship waiver form. “You want to be my friend?….You are interesting in going out? Here read this first. Sign here to acknowledge that you have read and understand the enclosed material. Thank you.” Seriously. I think it would work. — Guerin Moorman
Guerin Moorman

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Halfway Home: Somewhere Between Building a Home and Feeling at Home

You strive, struggle and sacrifice to build a home.  To create a structure for your life that includes a home base.  But, do you feel at home?  Do you  breathe freely, laugh easily and love openly?

Remember What It Feels Like to Be At Home?

One of the places I always return to for comfort is my hometown.  The small community where my parents reside is where I go to rest.  I can return to my country-girl ways in a space where my parents and their respective homes insulate me from the hectic and hustling reality of my life in Minnesota.  People are busy in my hometown but as a former resident and visitor I look upon the town with both nostalgia and an outsider’s distance. I am blissfully free to enjoy the positive memories and ignore the fact that things are not as simple as they used to be.

I note that none of my parents has a dishwasher.  Dishes are done almost without thought as conversations are carried on simultaneously. I see that my dad’s acreage requires a lot of lawn mowing but it’s also a haven for stillness and quiet. I do not eat gourmet dishes, organic produce or sushi when I am at ‘home’.  I enjoy the foods I grew up with — roasts, potatoes, burgers, pizza, canned vegetables.  Enormously satisfying but even more so as they are often served with kitchen table teasing and revelations.  We’ve long since discovered and poked the vulnerabilities of each family member so now there is just simmering acceptance and mutual understanding for each person’s plight.  A little ribbing is OK because we are home where it is safe.

I want this for my children.

Untethered Suburban Vagabonds

Nowadays home is where our stuff is.  It’s where we crash at night when all the doing, building and running is done.  It’s where we do laundry, comb cyber-space and try to eat a few meals together. So much of life is carried out outside of the home.  Work, school, and our cars vie for the title of, Most Time Spent Here. We almost always have one foot out the door. And even if we get a few glorious hours at home, our hearts and minds are preoccupied with emails, weekly schedules and what’s next?

Remember when Sundays were sacred?  Stores were closed and church was the only acceptable activity outside the home.  Big midday meals were common and the pace was slow.  Homes glowed with quiet reflection and animated chatter.  Savory smells drew family members to the table and there were few to no worries about the phone ringing and interrupting the flow of enjoyment.

I am consciously working to create a home-like aura for my kids.  It’s not easy.  Their time is divided between two homes.  I ache when I think about the chasm they must feel beneath them when they transition from one house to the next.  I do know that when they land at my or their father’s house they are embraced and blessed with deep and true attempts to listen and be present.  We both want our houses to be their homes. Which is better than when we spent much time creating the appearance of a nice house and home but never really felt at ease or enjoyed it.

I am not saying we are perfect now. School, work, technology and tender egos pull at us but we’ve learned outside distractions must be silenced every once in a while in order to feel at home, to genuinely connect. We have to invite the stillness, make eye-contact over burgers, do the dishes together.

Why It’s So Hard to Feel At Home With Ourselves

We rarely get to go internal.  There is so little solitude or slowing down in our lives.  Space to delve into our own essence, story, dreams.  If we do not know our centers then we are never sincerely at home.  We need to know that space we can return to again and again for comfort and strength.  Once we’ve spent some time digging around in the basement or sun room of our soul we are ready to open doors and windows to let others in — provided we want them as guests or residents.

I Feel So At Home With You

You know that lovely sensation of being able to lower your guard.  Recognizing in another a semblance of something from your past or from your heart. It’s comfortable but not in an old sagging couch way.  You know they won’t judge you harshly because they know where you come from.  Like you, they have spent time thrashing around their own attic and know where both the cobwebs and valuable antiques live.  They are ready to curl up with you by the hearth and get lost in warm honesty.

Make It Home

It’s easy to wander around feeling home-less in this day and age.  There is little to ground us. We abandon our homes on Sundays to attend kids’ sporting events or  run to Target for toothpaste. Most things encourage us to flit around like birds without nests.  But we need to cocoon our well-being by saying no to disconnecting activities. We need a place where we connect with ourselves.  We need this so we can venture away from home but know there is peace to return to. We carry that peace with us and use it as a welcome mat to invite others in.

Home maintenance will do its best to erode time we could be spending loving and listening within our safe space. Obligations and pleasure will draw us away from home (often). May you make it back to the place where you breathe freely, laugh easily and love openly.

Do you spend more time building or maintaining your home than living in it?

Where do you feel at home?  Who makes you feel at home?

Music and Home:

Jason Mraz Halfway Home

Miranda Lambert The House That Built Me

Other posts you may like:

2 Completely Opposite Ways to Cleanse Your Spirit

How Quiet Places Could Save the World

When Was the Last Time Someone Deeply Listened to You?

Introverts Not Meant to Live the Cookie-Cutter Life?

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  1. […] Halfway Home: Somewhere Between Building a Home and Feeling at Home […]

  2. stephenedwards425 April 16, 2012 at 10:07 pm - Reply

    Great post…like many commentators, I feel most at home when doing the simple, routine, daily chores of life…like taking the dinner dishes into the kitchen, or going down to get the mail (long meandering walkway through the woods), or sitting on the front porch swing watching the hummingbirds feed.

    thanks and…be encouraged!

    • brennagee April 17, 2012 at 2:26 pm - Reply

      Thank you for reading and commenting! Meandering while getting the mail sounds so lovely.:) You may like my post about dilly-dallying and meandering I think simple chores done with an eye for enjoyment are deeply satisfying. Front porch swings and hummingbirds are two of life’s best creations.:)

  3. 3D Eye April 14, 2012 at 9:39 am - Reply

    Beautiful thoughts, beautifully written.
    A close friend is about to publish a book on the theme of ‘home’. Will let you know when it’s available. G.

    • brennagee April 14, 2012 at 5:43 pm - Reply

      Perfect! I would enjoy perusing the theme. I think we all need to feel more at home these days. We spend so much time flitting around on the surface of living. Thanks for reading and commenting. Truly appreciate it.:)

  4. corisel April 13, 2012 at 5:17 pm - Reply

    As much as I hate it, I feel at home and centred when I do housework and tidy up. Somehow the process helps connect me with my deepest thoughts. If my home is cluttered and untidy, which it often is, I can’t centre myself at all.

    • brennagee April 13, 2012 at 10:57 pm - Reply

      I have noticed that working around the house cleaning and doing little odd jobs really does connect me with the house itself and my own thoughts/feelings. They are simple tasks that allow the mind to wander. I also have a penchant for clear countertops. Clear space – clear mind.:)
      I always notice my dad and step-mother doing the dishes together. It’s like a small date.:) They seem centered in their small universe.
      Thanks so much for reading and responding.

  5. lshultin April 13, 2012 at 4:32 pm - Reply

    Your post rings true. I, too, strive to make my home a place that my children will want to return to when they leave the nest because it offers a place that is comforting, quiet and lets them be who they are without judgement. As you point out, it is difficult to do, but so worthwhile and necessary! So far, my oldest who is a freshman in college, does seem to crave time at home and when she’s here, the things that seem to make her happiest are family meals and TV/movie time with us, playing with the dog and sleeping in her old bed…I am thankful she still views home as a place that brings comfort. I am most at home when she is here, we are all together, doing not much of anything.

    • brennagee April 13, 2012 at 10:48 pm - Reply

      It does seem that most of the comfort and joy comes from doing the simple things at a leisurely pace. We are always trying to fit so much into each day. It’s nice to pause and soak up all the richness of home, including the sweet beings we share it with. Alone time at home is transformative as well.;) Thanks for reading and commenting. Really appreciate it.

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