I think I’ve cut myself off from my soul in many ways. I’ve become my to-do list, the things that have to get done and the things other people want from me. — Jamie Varon, Why Are We Letting People Tell Us How to Live Our Lives?
If you are like me, you spend a lot of time disconnected from your soul. I know soul is a hippie word that makes some of you cringe. I don’t care. To me, it’s a simple word to denote the inner-world I return to for comfort, energy and wholeness. My soul is where my inner light lives. If given enough space and nurturing, my soul can be a source of joy and light for others as well.
It is, unfortunately, very easy to become your to-do list. That list consumes us and makes us forget to pause, pay attention and reflect. The need to be a productive robot fragments our thinking, loving and creating.
When numbers become more important than authenticity
My attention and efforts have been rather divided on brendaknowles.com/space2live. Even the name of my site is split.;) I now wear many hats: Writer, website tech, personal coach, business owner, marketing agent and PR rep. I feel increased pressure to make the site successful. Suddenly, I’m concerned about SEO and Google rankings.
When numbers (# of clients, readers, views, dollars coming in) become important my brain becomes the boss and my truth gets neglected.
I have a friend who always ‘Likes’ my posts on Facebook but rarely reads the full length ones. I know they are showing support and trying to boost my numbers but it bothered me when I figured out they weren’t really reading my work, just trying to make it look like I was popular.
How many communities can you join before you realize you are never really home?
With so many forms of media pulling at readers’ attention, it becomes necessary for me to put myself out into the publicity mix more and more. I need people to know my name. I have to belong to multiple communities and social media platforms. I’ve found so many lovely communities that fit my values and harbor kindred spirits but I am still leaving pieces of myself scattered throughout the internet.
I miss wholeness.
I find it funny and ironic that introverts are so social and community oriented online. It’s awesome. We find each other and validate our way of being. But that doesn’t change the fact that I sometimes feel spread-thin and disconnected from my own story.
I enjoy interacting with others in closed groups and online communities. I love to read their stories and see how they illuminate my own, but I spend so much time reading other’s words and leaving snippets of my own ideas in comment sections, that I don’t have a lot of reflection time to create thoughtfully developed posts of my own. Perhaps that is the way it is now. Life in snippets and sound bytes.
Life in snippets and sound bytes
I know my true self requires more than that. I need to connect and resonate with others in vulnerable, long conversations. I want time to feel empathy and exude care.
The productivity yoke we wear and the firehose of information coming at us every day, encourage guppie attention spans. I admit, even I scan and click away from articles that appear time consuming. As I write this post, my phone buzzes with texts from a group message I cannot ignore. Talk about divided attention. My mind jumps from screen to screen. Interruptions killing my flow.
I find this style of living, unfulfilling and depleting. There is no space within rapid-fire information and quantitative success. No space for soothing soul connection.
Putting the pieces back together
Out of necessity, I am taking steps to return to myself. I need to relieve anxiety and create an environment conducive to creativity.
Writer and personal hero, Elizabeth Gilbert, says not only do we have to say no to things we don’t want
Elizabeth Gilbert
to do, we have to say no to things we DO want to do. Aha! We have so many opportunities these days. It’s necessary to choose the ones that directly lead to our happiness ideal.
Priorities. They are hard to organize but even harder to disregard.
I give myself permission to pull back from the hustle and bustle. I spend most of my weekdays working at home alone. I could spend time with my man. I could do more housework. I could talk on the phone all day with friends. I could get a retail job to earn some extra cash, but no, I use that time to write, research, read inspiring authors, listen to beautiful music (listening to Glen Hansard right now), exercise, meet with clients, network with like-minded writers and breathe. I realize this is a privilege. I am blessed to be on a creative sabbatical supported by my former life as an executive’s wife. The sabbatical has a deadline and it’s nearing. There is pressure to not take this time for granted and produce. I am mindful and grateful and try to use my time wisely to create the greatest results (not totally based on money).
Alone there are no pulls on my attention, emotions and empathy. I choose where to direct my gaze. I can totally be myself. No judging. No masks to wear.
Engage mindfully
I still engage with worthwhile communities. I am selective as hell though. I do not have the energy or extroverted drive to collect communities. I sign up for closed groups and communities that align with my beliefs and foster my and brendaknowles.com’s growth. I don’t force myself to constantly post on each page. I allow myself to lurk and read without commenting.
Sleep well
Sleep is a necessary key to my well-being. Sleep smooths all of my jagged edges. It knits up all my unraveled bits. Introverts especially need good sleep to let our thoughts process and get filed into long-term memory. I often miss my ideal bedtime, 10:30PM, but nevertheless I aim for it.
Harmony and open-mindedness soothe the fragmented spirit
The last space where I feel whole and centered is anywhere where harmony and flexibility reign. I know to surround myself with kind, creative and positive people.
I attended a work party this week for my friend, Erica Hanna, who created the beautiful intro video for brendaknowles.com. Everyone there exuded light and compassion. It was the perfect mix of friendship and business. I left feeling affirmed. I felt supported and understood. A community of positive creative folks feeds your soul.
Do you feel like your life is too quantitative and success driven? Are your soul and your life mutually exclusive?
resonated with me, deeply…and affirmed what has been pulling at me, but that I had shoved to the periphery until I had ‘time’. Thanks for sharing
I’m always happy to hear when my writing resonates with others. I hope you find ways to make yourself feel whole and nourished.:)
I feel like your site, is the only site, that has saved my sanity and that really gets me. What a blessing it is, when I need direction or feel alone. I’ve been without a mother figure for 21 years and had to raise myself and did a lot of reflecting, reading and writing and getting to know who I am. Which is what most of my friends, family have never done. I never went into a relationship needing to be fix or being needy, but I keep meeting these type of individuals. It would be nice one day to find someone who really gets me and cares about falling in love with my soul and cares about nurturing my independence as me and this person as a couple. People take offense to me wanting my space and my alone time. One day I’ll find a balance.
It sounds like you are a sensitive and highly self-aware person. You know what you value and it is not complaining and shopping. It is true, deep soul stuff that is difficult to articulate in a few words. I understand your frustration with writing for others. I have the same difficulty. I only really know how to tell my story genuinely. To cut and fit it for another person feels inauthentic and, for me, even like I can’t do it well. I don’t like to do things if I can’t do them to my high standards. I have experienced the overwhelm of having to get back to too many people. I think we like to be very subjective and personal with our replies to everyone and that takes a lot of heart energy. We love relating to people but need a balance of feeding ourselves and championing others. Retreating into solitude feeds us. We have to ebb and flow. Be out in the world deeply connecting and then retreat in order to catch up with ourselves. It sounds like you had a lot of time to yourself as a young person. Your system may not be ready for being ON for others all the time. I’ve learned to build up my socializing muscle but it’s been a slow steady growth. Being around other empathic, intuitive and loving people makes it easier. I can spend more time discussing and growing with them than I can with highly active and minimally reflective people. Men who are attracted to you for how you look to the world or for what you can do for them are not going to interest you. You will most likely fall for someone for how they look AT the world. And they will fall for you for the same reason. I hear you my friend. Be you.
Yes Brenda, thank you for responding….. I have spent a lot of time with myself as a young person and even as an adult. I pretty much been on my own since my mom passed when I was 14…. I’ve always been a loner. As a child I never had toys, my mom gave me music, writing material and books. I never ever played with dolls, I fell in love with writing and the arts, dance and music. I’ve always had an old soul and been mature beyond my years. Adults used to always talk to me. My mom would talk to me as an adult, she knew I was young but never saw my age. I was a mini version of her. When she looked at me, she saw herself. Now as a woman, I see her everyday. My family, (thought not very close) always says to me, “you remind me of my sister” we look alike too and sound alike, LOL which is a great thing for me! People in my family would stare at me because they thought I was my mother….they thought she came back but its not about that, its the fact that she lives through me…my mothers best friend started crying over the phone one time, and she said sorry, I had no clue why she was crying, but its because she thought she was talking to me mom, she missed her voiced….
I just realized in this moment as I’m writing… I feel like a lot of people in my family, avoid me, because I’m like a replica of my mom and they feel like when she was alive, they could have done so much more to help her, since she was in an abusive relationship., and tried desperately to get out for years. A lot of people feel like they failed her.they took so much from her and she was always there for others but they wasn’t there for her. I notice when they talk to me, they don’t really look at me. My being especially haunts him, after she passed because I look just like her and he tried to crush my spirit as a child and as a woman because of it. But always stood up to him. He has no respect for women. He knows the things he did to her, so he tried to treat me the way he treated her and I wasn’t having it. He ruined my life up until I was 18 to get away from him. I know I got a bit off topic but it correlates….
But anyway…I feel loved, blessed and favored that God chose us to share the same space, even though it was for a short period of time. Something to be grateful about, that I was born through such a beautiful soul. It’s crazy 🙂 how you gathered that from my comment :). I need a man that thinks like me and you, LOL 🙂 (and the other people that comment) We’re all connected.. I’m looking for the male version of myself.
You’re right..” You will most likely fall for someone for how they look AT the world.” So true!! An attractive man can be right in front of me, and it does nothing to me really. People think something is wrong with me, because I don’t fall for people, who others think are attractive or gorgeous. I’m not saying the guy is not attractive, but unless he has something to say and he can mentally stimulate my mind. I’m not going to be attracted to him, unless I get to know him. I have to know you to appreciate everything about you. Sure I can look at a man and say he’s handsome, but then what??? LOL. I’ve always liked highly intelligent men. In school, I always looked for the smart boys to hang out with, to see if they raised their hand in class. It was always a libra guy, I liked, because libras are intellectuals. Any man that can articulate his thoughts, pretty much has my attention, to have a conversation and be friends with. I can’t just talk to any ol’ man. lol.
I remember I went out with this guy in my 20s and when my so-called friends saw him, they cracked jokes and said I was to good for him. I’m like what the hell does that mean?? I got rid of those friends eventually, because they were with people based off of their looks and money and not love and they were miserable. I thought this guy was so sexy, we would talk for hours, his mind turned me on.. He turned out to be married.. A***hole!! lol.. Glad I did not kissed him. He slipped and said he was married during one of our conversations. (I have the worst luck with men, lol) All I could think of was, that was 5 days wasted of my life that I can’t get back. He apologized but al he wanted was conversation, so he said. he never made a move on me. He should have just been honest.
It does feel unauthentic to try to keep people interested in my articles I don’t know how not to be meticulous about how I write. I feel like I’m being censored just to attract writers. I want my post to resonate and to make people think. It needs to be thought provoking. I love conversations with people, that long after its over, whether in person or by phone/email and it makes me reflect and think. I learn something new all the time and I get a different perspective. I learn something about myself, I always remember what people say to me.
I don’t find meaning in material possessions, the only time something is sentimental to me, is when the energy around it is good and someone was thoughtful enough to buy it for me. Shopping exhaust me, i had to stop hanging out with women who shop to much. I like to spend my time writing and reading and recharging. When I do go out to a store, its always a home store. I love to make my space more peaceful, I love to shop for the kitchen, because thats where you go to feed your temple. The bedroom should be a place to sleep, relax and make love, thats where you go to recharge. nothing else should be going on in there. The bathroom should be a place for cleaning of course and should feel like a spa. walls hold energy and its important that people know this and know what each place in their house represent. My friends are always telling me I’m to domesticated. I just love my surroundings to be peaceful. They need to cook and clean more and know themselves….I can’t stand being in an untidy space. It drains my energy. I don’t see how they do it. I love coming home to my own clean house, that smells good and smell of fresh linen when I cleanse my body and prepare to relax. It’s very rejuvenating.. People always feel relax in my home but I never feel that way in theirs. Sometimes it hard to get people to leave, because I always feed them and they feel like they are on vacation away from their hectic environments…husband kids, etc…they fall asleep immediately lol.
Even their kids are calm in my space. If a child starts being to busy in my space making noise, I will simply hug them, to be still and they always wind up falling asleep in my arms, lol a friend of mine her daughter always likes to sit on my lap and hug me when she sees. and her mom would say, she’s not that quiet at home, she just being nice or she wants something….I told a friend of mine, you ever thought about hugging your child, you’re always buying your child toys and trying to keep her busy, she wants your love and attention, not things. this is why a child can play with a toy and get bored and want a new one. Kids don’t understand material possessions like adults do. Children can sense when their mom or parents are busy, their energy.
I’m a cancer and very nurturing and kids always sense my calm spirit. I can get a child to eat something that their parents have been trying for years. I conceal and juice their vegetables instead of just giving it to them. Like spinach, i put an apple and pineapple in it. They gulp it down. My friend child was sick and she said the doctor said to give her gatorade, no 4 year old should be drinking a sports drink. But she won’t listen to me. My friends, i’m not saying they are bad mothers, but they need to try new methods and not give into their child, you can’t raise a child off of chicken nuggets and junk food. I never fed my only niece and nephew junk, I always cooked of them, when you love someone you feed them a home cooked meal!
Brenda, I swear, I felt like you were in my head. EVERY TIME I’m feeing a certain type of way, I get an email from you. Are you psychic or something, LOL :). My goodness!!!! Sometimes I’m speechless I don’t know what to say. I’ll have an internal dialogue going on or talking to god then your email comes right on time. Wow!!!!
I’ve been feeling this way a lot as a contributing blog writer for another site and when I said I would it, I thought it would be like mine, where I can just be creative and say what I want. But now, there is pressure to attract more readers and to post every week and to also read comments. I write because its therapeutic. It takes a lot of mental stamina to write and be vulnerable. I’m an Introvert, an HSP and it takes a lot for me to write and let others in, even though I’m social.
There are certain topics that every time I sit down to write about them, they literally give me a heachache and I need a quick nap. I right because its therapeutic not for likes from people who barely read my post. I write to connect with like minded individuals not for popularity. I’m very meticulous when I write and to be told not to write long post and try to be short when writing, thats hard for me, because I don’t know how to do that, because everything I say matters in what I am saying it leads to something, that leads to something.
I always think about what I’m going to say before I write and before I speak to people. I write as if the person I’m speaking to is in front of me. I can’t write and be on social media all the time. Its draining, I left social media for 3 years almost because being inundated with post and my inbox being full, was draining me. I even left twitter. I was getting harassed over there. The energy is was not good. When the energy is not good with anything. I leave. I like to have freedom when I write.
I’m also private too and the other writers want to me be more public and I just can’t. I’m to private, I try to share without being to meticulous but I’m not a half-ass person. If I’m going to tell a story, I’m going to take you on a journey. I do realize not everybody has that type of time but If I can’t write the way I want to write then I just won’t do it for other sites.
Months ago, when I posted something about a dream I had and how it came true, my twitter feed blew up and people were asking me, what changed? after I bought this “love manual” and followed the steps. Its impossible to write what happen on twitter. And a person would have to really know me in order to know what happen and I would have to show proof of conversations and documents. I would have to write a mini novel, because it was something that happened over a span of few months, I can’t fit that into twitter nor on Facebook.
I notice when I’m knowledgeable about something and I write something, people comment, like it and then I get hit with so many responses and emails, its overwhelming and I can’t possible answer all of them. I try to answer as best as possible but its draining. Being one of the master numbers in numerology, its very hard for me, because I keep feeling like I’m being pushed to help the masses but I’m going through my own personal struggles, I know that I can probably help one or many but my life is not in order yet. I’m tapped out. I do a lot on my own, not because I want to, but because other people I low are pretty much lazy and I’m not. They’re not reliable at all. Some of the people I know don’t even read, they’s rather shop and complain.
Things that I’m going through they can’t even comprehend, nor do they have empathy or compassion so I pretty much don’t even talk to them about anything. I have become my to-do list and I need to thrive in life instead of just existing. I give myself permission as well to pull back, if not I’m going to feel suffocated..I feel like the individuals I’ve been around don’t leave me feeling alive or affirmed. its all about what they can get from me.
This spills over into my adult life when it comes to men, they don’t care what I want. As soon as I mention I love to cook, or they hear that I’m a homebody or domesticated, they are trying to marry me, within a few minutes. They want to skip dating and go straight to the alter. For the life of me, I don’t know why I keep meeting these needy individuals. Some of these individuals are still in relationships and they are trying to get a need met. Can you believe that?! As soon as I hear something within the first few minutes of talking, I never speak to them again. I’m glad I never went out on a date with them either. Sometimes I feel like I’m being pulled in so many directions and I just want to go into my crab shell and retreat until its safe to come out.
Yes, Brenda, I can definitely identify with a lot of what you are saying. I have been self-employed for the last 15 years, with a salary of $0.00. I know that sounds weird, and by the way,,,I totally get the term, “feeding or nurturing your SOUL”. Guess that makes me a hippie. Delightedly so! But, just to touch on my life now, I lost my Dad in July of this year, and that was after caring for him and my mother since 2007. They both had various illnesses, and I made sure they had all they needed during this time. Since he passed away, I have been given the task to “find myself” and make money from doing it, IMMEDIATELY. My father left no cash or estate that I can liquidate, so I am forced to look for “some kind” of job. The whole time I am applying for jobs and going to interviews, because of my extreme introvert/creative personality, I feel like a fish out of water. I honestly can’t imagine being in a very public occupation, that requires all of my focus (btw…I am also ADD..lol.) and time. I yearn for the ability to write, paint, or create beauty and share my deep thoughts with those who are doing the same. That is my niche in this society. But, based on my current financial situation, I am forced to once again, punch it back down in the everlasting abyss, and try to fit into a sleeping, mechanical environment. So, I wish you luck in finding your “whole”, and hope I will eventually be able to do the same. 🙂 May you enjoy the journey…
Having participated in the care-giving of my elderly mother last year, I know how arduous and time-consuming that duty is. I’m sorry for the loss of your father. Perhaps there is a little more freedom now though since his passing? I understand the need and pressure to generate income but I hope you can find something that feeds your soul as well. What I have found is often those of us interested in creative or humanitarian pursuits are willing to live with a more modest lifestyle. I have a friend who does art therapy through a federally or grant funded organization. I can see you working somewhere like that. Have you hung out around art supply or book stores? Here in Minneapolis we have The Loft Literary Center, a place that offers writing classes and has a small restaurant and gift store. I love the people who gravitate toward that place. I could see you there as well. If you are not totally burned out from the elderly care, I think there is a demand for home health care workers. You could do that just enough to make money and still have a creative life. I don’t want to tell you what to do but I do want to tell you I understand the frustration of being held back from what feeds your soul. Keep your head up and eyes open. Be open to lovely opportunities everywhere. Thanks for sharing your story with me.
Those are my exact intentions, Brenda. Everything you said is spot on! Thanks for encouraging me to follow through with this plan. Hope you are finding more peaceful places as you learn to let go and make room for you.
Yes! I am on a similar path. I have been trying to break away from a long business career that has never really lined up with my inner self. When I spend time in my creative space, my soul is nurtured and I feel inner peace. I would love to focus on pursuing my art and other creative ventures yet I constantly get trapped in my head analyzing how it will be viewed from a productivity standpoint and how I will make money. When I do take time in my creative space, I lose track of time, hours go by and when I “come to” I get very anxious and frantically start working on my to-do lists of “productive” things which takes me out of my soul back into my head and leaves me feeling overwhelmed. Double ugh!
Thank you for your insight and your uncanny ability to connect to 99% of my thoughts and feelings at any given moment!!
Isn’t that flow state we get into when doing our creative work delicious? I think it is a sign that we are meant to do such work. I understand the anxiety of returning to the to-do list. It sounds like you know what is good for you but need help re-framing your creative work as productive. I have been working on that for years. I give you permission to be creatively productive.:)
I loved this posting. It had me taking a deep breath as I thought of the pace/choices of my own life. thank you.
I’m a fan but I guess I don’t relate or understand this post. There are no demands that we do not create ourselves. There is no pressure but the ones that are self-inflicted. Those who keep their heads in the work that feeds and satisfies their soul will always be noted and engagement is your option, not your obligation. Sure, doing a little dance will earn some coins thrown your way, but that is not a soul’s purpose. People respond to inner truth and soul-giving. How much can your soul bring to the table if you’re exhausted or angry or bitter or preferring to be elsewhere? Perhaps it isn’t a blog (which makes me sad) but a quarterly newsletter? By subscription? Or, like Calvin & Hobbs creator, books. Yes you are an inspiration, but you don’t have to be the voice of all introverts. You can just be you! That is enough…and readers, like me, are grateful.
Blessings.
Hi Lisa. Thanks for your candidness. I think what you are saying is that I should just tell my story and be true to my soul. Which is what I want to do but have been sidetracked lately by marketing, website maintenance and the self-inflicted need to make a living from my work. I came to the realization that I need to return to my soul rather than be a marketing guru and business success. I guess I should have talked to you earlier. You already knew what I needed to do.:) I love working with my readers and sharing my experiences as a sensitive introvert. I think, I got weary from the everyday responsibilities and lack of opportunities to go deep within myself and connect with others. I also experienced a bout of fear because there was a downturn in readership after I changed the website. I know to let love lead me, rather than fear but sometimes fear is so strong. I will be me and stop spreading myself thin. I appreciate your words of wisdom Lisa.
Thank you Kim. I always marvel at how prolific you are both in writing and in painting/drawing. I’m glad my writing gave you an excuse to pause and breathe.:)