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During one of the harder times in my life I found Brenda’s website
and reached out to her. To say the least it has been one of the best
decisions I have made. Being an extrovert I never quite understood
what it meant to romantically involved with an introvert. Brenda does
an incredible job listening, giving in the moment feedback, and helped
me understand the how an introvert functions. She helped explain to me
that I am introspective extrovert, and this gave something to identify
with and allowed me t…
Evan H.
For the first time in my life I could truly explain, through your words the way in which I experience life and myself. Brenda… It all fell into place. I had found myself and had such a moment of clarity. It felt like such a big weight was lifted off of my shoulders. Finally I felt like it was ok to be me. I was not the only one. I had found people and a little space where I fit in. … I was at work and crying on the inside. Emotions ran wild inside me. I was ecstatic, sad, confused, motivated, i…
I met Brenda and took the MBTI… I had a fairly good understanding of these types before the meeting but was impressed by the depth of knowledge that Brenda shared with me. She clearly has a passion for this work and a gift in imparting the information. There have been doors opened for me because of our talks… — Alan Hintermeister
Alan Hintermeister
your depth of understanding, and talent at sharing it amaze me. Speechless… and for your sharing of it.. Thank you… deeply. *sigh, its like coming back into my body through acceptance….. Sherrie on space2live
I have been dating an introverted man who I am very in love with for almost 2 years.  Reading your posts have helped me to be more supportive and understanding to him especially during the times when he needs space.  I just wanted to thank you for your weekly posts and let you know how helpful they are for someone who is in a relationship with an introvert. C.M. on space2live
Your site has saved my sanity and my life. Maybe even my marriage. I work part time and have two young boys at home, my husband is supportive of me but until recently I thought I was going crazy. … Reading your writing not only inspires me to pick up the pen again, but gives me nourishment in the deepest places. I will fight for balance. Everything you write is spot on… And wellness is so incredibly multifaceted.  I was ready to give up hope, but understanding myself through your words is bring…

“I was struggling with my daughter (16 at the time) and our constant fighting. You said something to me that changed my life! You were speaking about your own situation and you said to me “my child could not handle my emotions”. This was a HUGE “lightbulb moment” for me and it forever changed the way I dealt with my emotions when I was around my daughter!

I am happy to say that things have never been better between my soon to be 18 year old daughter and myself! I honestly never thought we would…

Mom M
Thank you for all the words. You’ve created the magic drug I’ve been looking for all my life. Your blog has transformed my life, and I feel like I am on the brink of a most satisfying fulfilling journey…You’ve made me see everything in a new light. I now feel calmer, able to care better for my toddler, less hateful of people around, and hopeful for my future. I am not so afraid for our marriage anymore. — Shilpa CB
Shilpa CB
Your words are my lifeline.  I sit down to your posts and as I read I can feel my acceptance of myself and my needs grow.  Your words validate my feelings about my life, motherhood, relationships and it is something I hold onto.  And during the times when I feel like I am not able to be a mother or a wife or a sister or a friend or whatever someone needs me to be, I go back to your words and find some peace…I send your posts to my husband when I need him to understand that I love him but I need …
Brenda has truly opened up a space for introverted types on the ‘net, and her self-revelations are always inspiring. Her voice is one I always look forward to. She is one of the writers that actually played a part in my return to writing.  — S.E. of Sunflower Solace Farms
S.E. of Sunflower Solace Farms

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Do You Rescue or Empower People? How to be Most Helpful

I have a tendency to rescue people. I want to protect them from negativity and emotional hurt. As a sensitive person, it is easy for me to empathize with anyone falling victim to sarcasm or cutting remarks. If I perceive someone’s light being dimmed or snuffed out, my claws come out and Mama Bear arrives. I know a certain amount of confrontation and teasing is normal, dare I say even good for children, to develop confidence and a thicker skin, but consistent over-powering, pointing out of mistakes and put-downs are harmful. They promote a bullying cycle.

All of that is fairly old news. Bullying is bad and should be dealt with. We know that. What I am realizing now is that rescuing can also be detrimental.

Rescuing people isn’t always the answer 

I believe that it’s critically important for sensitive souls to learn how to protect themselves and to clear away the energy and emotions of other people.One key aspect is setting good boundaries. Many of us get into trouble when we try to take care of other people first.

                                                         — Jenna Avery, Let Go of Taking Responsibility for Others

I’ve been studying Motivational Interviewing in order to be a better personal coach. One of the sacred premises of Motivational Interviewing is to give the client autonomy by not providing solutions to their problems but guiding them to figure out their own motivations and action steps. This means no rescuing, no telling someone exactly what to do. It’s harder than you think. I have to remind myself to pull back, ask helpful questions, let my clients feel their own ambivalence and come up with ways to assuage the anxiety themselves. This way, the solutions are more meaningful and more likely to be carried out. The client is empowered.

Rescuing your own children

I have a history of jumping in to protect my daughter, who is the youngest and only girl, from her two older brothers. My boys are logical and critical thinkers. Their knee-jerk reaction to most things is to rabbit-913550_1280critique or judge. My daughter is a bleeding heart with a creative mind. It is easy for me to empathize with her way of being. As much as I’ve learned to appreciate my sons’ way of thinking, it’s still hard for me to agree with sometimes. Nevertheless, I value their processing and verbalizing as long as it does not harm or stifle someone else’s.

Over the years, my sons have accused me of favoring my daughter. I think they’ve felt misunderstood and undervalued by me (Although, neither have directly told me so).

These, of course, were not my intentions. My intentions were to rescue my daughter from emotional or psychological damage and teach my sons how to be thoughtful and compassionate.

Over-empathy could feel like a vote of no-confidence

But there is disservice in jumping in to protect and rescue all the time. For one, it is emotionally taxing and unhealthy for me. I am not keeping my emotional energy separate from that of others. Collecting all that worry and negative energy is draining. Secondly, I am in essence saying I don’t believe my daughter can take care of herself. I’m not even giving her the chance.

My teacher, Sonia Choquette, says: Ultimately, an overly empathic heart may be a vote of no-confidence in those you love and care about. — Jenna Avery

I may be interfering with her path of personal growth. Her older brothers may be just the inspiration she needs to become an expert in child psychology or they may teach her how to speak more assertively and concisely. The tough time they give her may even inflame her compassion more for other people in similar positions. 

What to do instead of rescuing

I am most definitely not condoning bullying. I am advocating for empowering victims instead of rescuing them.

One of the best things I can do for my kids, clients, friends, family members, etc. is have firm boundaries, take care of myself and not allow myself to be overpowered, held back or bullied. I can be true to myself, keep moving forward and be kind to others along the way. I must speak up and let someone know if they are violating a core value of mine. I can be the example of wholeness, someone not dependent on others’ views.

In a way, this is empowering or rescuing myself.

rescue-191232_1280With my daughter, I’ve tried to let her fight her own battles more. I’ve given her tools to use such as telling her brothers to, Buzz off! Which they think is corny and old fashioned but diverts them enough to de-escalate a negative conversation. I also tell her it is OK to leave the room. Walk away. She doesn’t have to stay where she is uncomfortable. I am also a big proponent of humor or levity. If she can redirect the conversation to something funny, she’s golden.

I’ve also tried to truly listen to my boys’ points of view and validate their way of being. I’ve shown more appreciation for their contribution to conversations and the importance of logic. I am not perfect and have a lot of work to do but awareness of my tendency to rescue and protect and its pitfalls has given me a new perspective.

Do you always fight for the underdog? Could you be inadvertently undermining someone’s developmental path? How can you empower instead of rescue?

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  1. […] Do You Rescue or Empower People? How to be Most Helpful Sometimes, trying to make things better for those you care about actually undercuts their self-confidence. When you support them to find their own answers, the solutions are more powerful for them. […]

  2. Morena December 11, 2015 at 3:50 pm - Reply


    I’m going to try and keep this short, lol… because this is exactly me and how I feel and what I do. People always feel protected loved and cared for by me. But its unfortunate I don’t feel the same. I wish the people that I knew, knew how to love and to be supportive just as I am. I’ve had to distance myself from a lot of people. Being there is great but anything in excess is not helpful. I didn’t realize I was enabling by being there. If I go out of my way for someone, it would be nice if they did the same or at least I know they would. By not being there, I’ve gained some of my emotional strength back and I have energy to take care of myself and the things I need to do. Another thing, this is why I know I can’t fully commit to a relationship, because its to much for me and I always meet people who are extremely needy and dependent on me and I’m not neither. Everyones has needs but some people act like if the other person, doesnt do it, it won’t get done at all. Some people I know do this on purpose. Thats just laziness. One day I’ll have a balance. It’s a bit off topic but since I always do everything, for myself. I was suppose to go food shopping and I avoided it for 2 days, because I really didn’t feel like going to the store, not only that I would have to take a taxi back, but I’m so glad the store I shop at, they now offer home delivery, and I can shop from home and have someone else pick out my groceries. The amount of money equals the same except I don’t have to do it. This is the closest I get to anyone doing anything for me, lol 🙂 because I do everything myself even when I ask others, I hear birds chirping, lol so even though I didn’t want to spend the money, I am because I’m tired and don’t feel like food shopping. Plus it’s freezing outside, LOL. I like to buy my own groceries but I’m going to have to trust and let someone else do it.

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