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I have been dating an introverted man who I am very in love with for almost 2 years.  Reading your posts have helped me to be more supportive and understanding to him especially during the times when he needs space.  I just wanted to thank you for your weekly posts and let you know how helpful they are for someone who is in a relationship with an introvert. C.M. on space2live
This is me. This is me from the day I was born. For so long I felt misunderstood and rejected, even by the people closest to me, because they could never understand my need for solitude, and I had no idea how to explain it to them. Even now that I know more about Introversion and have a more informed understanding of my hard-wired need for solitude, it’s still very difficult sometimes to help my loved ones understand this profound craving for time and space all to myself. This is one of the best…
BRENDA: thank you SO much! Your advice is exactly what I need to do. I am amazed how much you “get” me after only exchanging a few messages!… Again, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You’ve helped me more than a year of therapy sessions! – Megan on space2live

“I was struggling with my daughter (16 at the time) and our constant fighting. You said something to me that changed my life! You were speaking about your own situation and you said to me “my child could not handle my emotions”. This was a HUGE “lightbulb moment” for me and it forever changed the way I dealt with my emotions when I was around my daughter!

I am happy to say that things have never been better between my soon to be 18 year old daughter and myself! I honestly never thought we would…

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Your site has saved my sanity and my life. Maybe even my marriage. I work part time and have two young boys at home, my husband is supportive of me but until recently I thought I was going crazy. … Reading your writing not only inspires me to pick up the pen again, but gives me nourishment in the deepest places. I will fight for balance. Everything you write is spot on… And wellness is so incredibly multifaceted.  I was ready to give up hope, but understanding myself through your words is bring…
That courage and dedication you so generously share with the world, has inspired me to push myself a little harder, persevere at each task a little longer, dig a little bit deeper to where the answers just “feel” right to both my humanity AND my spirit. Your insights have reinforced my direction and given me additional tools that help me clear my path. I’m wired into my creativity as never before and the new music is pouring out of me faster than I can record and produce it; this is the Un…
Brenda has truly opened up a space for introverted types on the ‘net, and her self-revelations are always inspiring. Her voice is one I always look forward to. She is one of the writers that actually played a part in my return to writing.  — S.E. of Sunflower Solace Farms
S.E. of Sunflower Solace Farms
Your words are my lifeline.  I sit down to your posts and as I read I can feel my acceptance of myself and my needs grow.  Your words validate my feelings about my life, motherhood, relationships and it is something I hold onto.  And during the times when I feel like I am not able to be a mother or a wife or a sister or a friend or whatever someone needs me to be, I go back to your words and find some peace…I send your posts to my husband when I need him to understand that I love him but I need …
your depth of understanding, and talent at sharing it amaze me. Speechless… and for your sharing of it.. Thank you… deeply. *sigh, its like coming back into my body through acceptance….. Sherrie on space2live
THANK YOU….. you just summed up my swirling thoughts into something i can read with out everything else in my head meshing with it. I finally feel like i can explain what happens within without getting distracted. I’m an Introvert with ADD and it makes it so hard to explain quite what im feeling sometimes. — M.G. on space2live

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Do You Rescue or Empower People? How to be Most Helpful

I have a tendency to rescue people. I want to protect them from negativity and emotional hurt. As a sensitive person, it is easy for me to empathize with anyone falling victim to sarcasm or cutting remarks. If I perceive someone’s light being dimmed or snuffed out, my claws come out and Mama Bear arrives. I know a certain amount of confrontation and teasing is normal, dare I say even good for children, to develop confidence and a thicker skin, but consistent over-powering, pointing out of mistakes and put-downs are harmful. They promote a bullying cycle.

All of that is fairly old news. Bullying is bad and should be dealt with. We know that. What I am realizing now is that rescuing can also be detrimental.

Rescuing people isn’t always the answer 

I believe that it’s critically important for sensitive souls to learn how to protect themselves and to clear away the energy and emotions of other people.One key aspect is setting good boundaries. Many of us get into trouble when we try to take care of other people first.

                                                         — Jenna Avery, Let Go of Taking Responsibility for Others

I’ve been studying Motivational Interviewing in order to be a better personal coach. One of the sacred premises of Motivational Interviewing is to give the client autonomy by not providing solutions to their problems but guiding them to figure out their own motivations and action steps. This means no rescuing, no telling someone exactly what to do. It’s harder than you think. I have to remind myself to pull back, ask helpful questions, let my clients feel their own ambivalence and come up with ways to assuage the anxiety themselves. This way, the solutions are more meaningful and more likely to be carried out. The client is empowered.

Rescuing your own children

I have a history of jumping in to protect my daughter, who is the youngest and only girl, from her two older brothers. My boys are logical and critical thinkers. Their knee-jerk reaction to most things is to rabbit-913550_1280critique or judge. My daughter is a bleeding heart with a creative mind. It is easy for me to empathize with her way of being. As much as I’ve learned to appreciate my sons’ way of thinking, it’s still hard for me to agree with sometimes. Nevertheless, I value their processing and verbalizing as long as it does not harm or stifle someone else’s.

Over the years, my sons have accused me of favoring my daughter. I think they’ve felt misunderstood and undervalued by me (Although, neither have directly told me so).

These, of course, were not my intentions. My intentions were to rescue my daughter from emotional or psychological damage and teach my sons how to be thoughtful and compassionate.

Over-empathy could feel like a vote of no-confidence

But there is disservice in jumping in to protect and rescue all the time. For one, it is emotionally taxing and unhealthy for me. I am not keeping my emotional energy separate from that of others. Collecting all that worry and negative energy is draining. Secondly, I am in essence saying I don’t believe my daughter can take care of herself. I’m not even giving her the chance.

My teacher, Sonia Choquette, says: Ultimately, an overly empathic heart may be a vote of no-confidence in those you love and care about. — Jenna Avery

I may be interfering with her path of personal growth. Her older brothers may be just the inspiration she needs to become an expert in child psychology or they may teach her how to speak more assertively and concisely. The tough time they give her may even inflame her compassion more for other people in similar positions. 

What to do instead of rescuing

I am most definitely not condoning bullying. I am advocating for empowering victims instead of rescuing them.

One of the best things I can do for my kids, clients, friends, family members, etc. is have firm boundaries, take care of myself and not allow myself to be overpowered, held back or bullied. I can be true to myself, keep moving forward and be kind to others along the way. I must speak up and let someone know if they are violating a core value of mine. I can be the example of wholeness, someone not dependent on others’ views.

In a way, this is empowering or rescuing myself.

rescue-191232_1280With my daughter, I’ve tried to let her fight her own battles more. I’ve given her tools to use such as telling her brothers to, Buzz off! Which they think is corny and old fashioned but diverts them enough to de-escalate a negative conversation. I also tell her it is OK to leave the room. Walk away. She doesn’t have to stay where she is uncomfortable. I am also a big proponent of humor or levity. If she can redirect the conversation to something funny, she’s golden.

I’ve also tried to truly listen to my boys’ points of view and validate their way of being. I’ve shown more appreciation for their contribution to conversations and the importance of logic. I am not perfect and have a lot of work to do but awareness of my tendency to rescue and protect and its pitfalls has given me a new perspective.

Do you always fight for the underdog? Could you be inadvertently undermining someone’s developmental path? How can you empower instead of rescue?

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  1. […] Do You Rescue or Empower People? How to be Most Helpful Sometimes, trying to make things better for those you care about actually undercuts their self-confidence. When you support them to find their own answers, the solutions are more powerful for them. […]

  2. Morena December 11, 2015 at 3:50 pm - Reply


    I’m going to try and keep this short, lol… because this is exactly me and how I feel and what I do. People always feel protected loved and cared for by me. But its unfortunate I don’t feel the same. I wish the people that I knew, knew how to love and to be supportive just as I am. I’ve had to distance myself from a lot of people. Being there is great but anything in excess is not helpful. I didn’t realize I was enabling by being there. If I go out of my way for someone, it would be nice if they did the same or at least I know they would. By not being there, I’ve gained some of my emotional strength back and I have energy to take care of myself and the things I need to do. Another thing, this is why I know I can’t fully commit to a relationship, because its to much for me and I always meet people who are extremely needy and dependent on me and I’m not neither. Everyones has needs but some people act like if the other person, doesnt do it, it won’t get done at all. Some people I know do this on purpose. Thats just laziness. One day I’ll have a balance. It’s a bit off topic but since I always do everything, for myself. I was suppose to go food shopping and I avoided it for 2 days, because I really didn’t feel like going to the store, not only that I would have to take a taxi back, but I’m so glad the store I shop at, they now offer home delivery, and I can shop from home and have someone else pick out my groceries. The amount of money equals the same except I don’t have to do it. This is the closest I get to anyone doing anything for me, lol 🙂 because I do everything myself even when I ask others, I hear birds chirping, lol so even though I didn’t want to spend the money, I am because I’m tired and don’t feel like food shopping. Plus it’s freezing outside, LOL. I like to buy my own groceries but I’m going to have to trust and let someone else do it.

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