Dating Deeply: Will You Go Intimate with Me?

13 Cliff-Jumpers

My last relationship ended before it got serious. He stopped putting energy into it before we were fully intimate, fully trusting, deeply involved. In my opinion, it ended on the edge of amazing.

I have a desire to go deep. To wander into an intimacy that provides a safe place to be wild, quiet, emotional, sexual and above all, exactly who we are.

Now I have to start over on the dating circuit. Back to square one, sorting the superficial from the significant. The fun, outgoing, athletic, love-anything-outdoors guys from the self-aware, grateful, reflective, love-you-deep-into-your-soul guys.

How to do it differently this time so I end up in the highest intimacy?

Be Very Very Real

I had dates but only one serious relationship before I met my husband. Part of the reason for my dearth of deep relationships back then was that I didn’t know myself. I had very little self-awareness. There was nothing to be attracted to except my physical appearance, which was, of course, only skin deepNothing truly intimate or lasting came from a relationship based on appearance only.

Things are different now. I know myself a helluva lot better. I’ve been through some sh*t and survived. I’ve experienced bliss and know how beautiful feels.

How to convey who I am now?

By re-writing my online dating profile.

I was driving home one night and happened to catch Minnesota resident and author of Real Love Right Now, Kailen Rosenberg, on the radio. Her advice to singles putting their profiles online? Be very very real, authentic, specific and honest. Be vulnerable. Reveal your heart. Not everyone is going to like what you write but your special person will.

I was inspired.

Mind you, my original profile was honest and I considered it somewhat flavorful but it wasn’t brave or revealing.

woman on cliff's edgeThe next day I erased everything in the main section of my profile and started from scratch. In true introvert form, I typed it up on Microsoft Word first so that I could edit and craft it to perfection.;)

I filled the blank space of my profile with inner truths about me. I mentioned that I am a sensitive person, easily moved by art, music and vulnerability. I expressed that I am sensual and enjoy cooking and kissing. I gave my Myers Briggs type preference (INFP) and stated that I am an idealist and a dreamer. I talked about my children and how they affect my decisions and how I want someone willing to invest in them as well as me. Lastly, I admitted I don’t have the energy to date or correspond with multiple people. I want a long-term relationship, something extraordinary and intimate.

Years of self-examination put to good use!

Then I waited…

But not very long. The very same day I received responses specifically citing lines from my new profile. One gentleman even said he’d read my profile before and basically gave it a meh, but now he was intrigued. Men sent me faceted emails with honest and real information about themselves. My openness seemed to attract them as well as give them permission to share freely. Brilliant! It worked. It really worked.

Then I was a little overwhelmed

The lengthy in-depth emails kept coming. I thoughtfully responded to each one. My inbox was hopping. My phone was chiming with texts. I was having phone conversations for hours. I was scheduling dates. I understand this is the natural progression of things and I was amazed and so thankful for the interest, but I was spinning. I wanted to connect deeply with every sweet suitor but I couldn’t. Building trust and getting to know everyone’s story takes energy. My kids are home for the summer so I was already in introvert survival mode. Additional socializing during my kid-free time made me feel a little buzzy and over-stimulated. I was reaching for chocolate and caffeine a lot. I was pushing myself and getting tired.

Hurry up and get to one serious relationship

This introvert definitely prefers depth to breadth in relationships. I’d much rather have a few rich and profound relationships than have thousands of friends.

As always seems to be the case, I was torn between deeply connecting and taking time to recharge.

Then something incredible happened. The men I found most wonderful set up future dates with me and backed off. They, too, needed less interaction. Their lives were also full. There was an unspoken promise to connect in high quality when we did see each other. They knew how to go deep with someone but then return to themselves. They didn’t leave me wondering. They left me anticipating.

Time will tell if I am long-lasting compatible with these gentleman but at the moment I feel safe and excited. I know something deep is possible just past the edge of amazing.

How did you attract your mate? Does your depth intimidate people? 

If you enjoyed Dating Deeply… then you may also love:

I Feel People and They Feel Me: The Blessing and Curse of Feeling Deeply

Emotional Intimacy: An Introvert’s Ultimate Turn On?

Introvert Relationships: Are Our Expectations for Love Unobtainable?

I Belong Deeply to Myself But I’ll Let You In: The Ebb and Flow of Introvert Intimacy

Go Lightly Even If You Feel Deeply

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    […] Dating Deeply: Will You Go Intimate with Me? […]

  2. Lobster
    June 27, 2014

    I think it is something wonderful that age and knowledge and experience can bring the realness, the raw honesty to the fore. Some lucky souls can do that from the start, but some need time to feel steady on their own feet. I was one of these that needed time and luckily my Husband isn’t easily shocked!! He has adapted well at the sometimes chameleonic changes thrown at him as I get to know me, then as I experiment in showing me to the world. I think our souls attracted each other in the first place and our ego’s just decided not to argue the point and just go along with it!!

    I like your ‘safe and excited’ and look forward to the amazing 🙂

  3. Brett
    June 21, 2014

    On your profile, did you include a “wishlist” of the Myers Briggs type(s) you would be curious to meet up with? Which types would you mention if you did?

    I hope you snag one with a strong intuitive streak in them. You will be sharing the juicy, metaphysical details, right?

    • Brenda Knowles
      June 22, 2014

      An MBTI wishlist, hmmm that’s interesting. I suppose I am mentally calculating everyone’s types anyway. Isabel Myers Briggs said in Gifts Differing that the perception function is the most important to have in common in a marriage. The way you take in information. The last man I ‘clicked with’ was an S but only slightly. I also seem to prefer the Feeling type, although one of my good friends is an INTP and we work really well together.
      I believe you’re right though, an intuitive would be lovely.:)

  4. sheketechad
    June 20, 2014

    Low and slow isn’t my nature, truly. But, the alternative allows me to become, erm, distracted, from what truly makes a good, compatible long-term relationship. Hence I am trying to retrain my senses (if that makes sense).

    • Brenda Knowles
      June 21, 2014

      It totally makes sense.;) I’m the same way. I know not to get ‘distracted’ by the wrong things but have a hard time casual dating. 🙂

  5. sheketechad
    June 20, 2014

    I had to chuckle at “Hurry up and get to one serious relationship”. I am pretty sure I actually wrote something very close to those words in correspondence with a friend.

    I think, when I am ready again, I will reference a ‘crock pot’ relationship – one that simmers with unspoken passion, requires deep, steeping time, where the spices and flavors of our two personalities unfold in a wonderful melding, and one that needs low, slow heat to develop over time. Crock pots can be left alone too, to do their own thing, in their own time; they don’t have to be fussed over and watched all of the time.

    Until then, it’s me and my laptop…

    Can’t wait to hear how your ‘Polaroid’ guys develop (yes, pun intended)


    • Brenda Knowles
      June 20, 2014

      Thanks sister S.;) I adore your crock-pot metaphor! I’m not sure how slow and low I can keep the simmering, but I love the idea of deep steeping our spices and flavors until they meld together. It is definitely a benefit that they can be left alone.
      Now that introversion is so ‘out there’ in the media, I’ve actually had many open talks about it with the men I meet. Many of them totally get it.
      Laptops are good surrogate companions. I can always count on mine.;) Love hearing from you Ms. S 🙂 🙂

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