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Brenda has truly opened up a space for introverted types on the ‘net, and her self-revelations are always inspiring. Her voice is one I always look forward to. She is one of the writers that actually played a part in my return to writing.  — S.E. of Sunflower Solace Farms
S.E. of Sunflower Solace Farms
During one of the harder times in my life I found Brenda’s website
and reached out to her. To say the least it has been one of the best
decisions I have made. Being an extrovert I never quite understood
what it meant to romantically involved with an introvert. Brenda does
an incredible job listening, giving in the moment feedback, and helped
me understand the how an introvert functions. She helped explain to me
that I am introspective extrovert, and this gave something to identify
with and allowed me t…
Evan H.
Because of your blog, I know that it is possible for me to have the love that I want one day and that I don’t have to be alone.  — Indepthwoman  on space2live
Thank you for all the words. You’ve created the magic drug I’ve been looking for all my life. Your blog has transformed my life, and I feel like I am on the brink of a most satisfying fulfilling journey…You’ve made me see everything in a new light. I now feel calmer, able to care better for my toddler, less hateful of people around, and hopeful for my future. I am not so afraid for our marriage anymore. — Shilpa CB
Shilpa CB
That courage and dedication you so generously share with the world, has inspired me to push myself a little harder, persevere at each task a little longer, dig a little bit deeper to where the answers just “feel” right to both my humanity AND my spirit. Your insights have reinforced my direction and given me additional tools that help me clear my path. I’m wired into my creativity as never before and the new music is pouring out of me faster than I can record and produce it; this is the Un…
I think I want to print out your articles and hand them out as a sort of relationship waiver form. “You want to be my friend?….You are interesting in going out? Here read this first. Sign here to acknowledge that you have read and understand the enclosed material. Thank you.” Seriously. I think it would work. — Guerin Moorman
Guerin Moorman
You’re so honest in your writing. It’s bold. It’s frank. It’s wonderful. I could definitely see the work you are doing here as a useful book. It could save/make a lot of relationships! — Jimmi Langemo
Jimmi Langemo
For the first time in my life I could truly explain, through your words the way in which I experience life and myself. Brenda… It all fell into place. I had found myself and had such a moment of clarity. It felt like such a big weight was lifted off of my shoulders. Finally I felt like it was ok to be me. I was not the only one. I had found people and a little space where I fit in. … I was at work and crying on the inside. Emotions ran wild inside me. I was ecstatic, sad, confused, motivated, i…
BRENDA: thank you SO much! Your advice is exactly what I need to do. I am amazed how much you “get” me after only exchanging a few messages!… Again, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You’ve helped me more than a year of therapy sessions! – Megan on space2live
I have been dating an introverted man who I am very in love with for almost 2 years.  Reading your posts have helped me to be more supportive and understanding to him especially during the times when he needs space.  I just wanted to thank you for your weekly posts and let you know how helpful they are for someone who is in a relationship with an introvert. C.M. on space2live

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Don’t Wait for Others to Choose You: Find Introverted Intuitive Communities That Feel Like Home

men in group on hill at sunset

When my relationship ended in April, I felt at loose ends. The routines, love and companionship I’d enjoyed over the previous year and a half, went away. I spent a dark night or two or six wondering what to do with myself, how much I could lean on my friends and if I could get away to visit family. I felt alone again. I know introverts traditionally embrace solitude, but personally, I need and want secure and steady relationships as much as I need and want time to myself. I love engaging intimately with treasured humans. My being soars when I get to volley back and forth between connecting and contemplation. Since the breakup, I’ve intentionally sought out and unexpectedly been invited to a few rich and meaningful communities.

I couldn’t sit and wait for others to come to me. Everyone is busy. Today we all have to be fairly assertive with our requests for someone’s time. Most of my life I hung back and waited for people to choose me, but in the last ten years I’ve stopped that. I know I have to lead my life.

Spiritual community, yay!

So I searched the amazing internet for spiritual communities that aligned with my beliefs. I’m a spiritual person with a mishmash of experience with organized religion. I chose a progressive church near me. The first service I attended was the week after Prince’s death. They played his music and mentioned him in the message for the week.  I’ve been wholeheartedly welcomed there. I meet new people every week. They read poetry and quote writers and psychologists. We wear name tags. These are my people. I’ve been brought to tears several times during the services. I am so moved. I feel at home there.

Poetry reading, yes!

My dear writing friend, Jennifer, loves poetry. She wanted to find others who loved to read and share poems. She started a Meetup group. I admire Jennifer for having the chutzpah to create what she wanted. She went for it and found other poetry lovers. Last week I attended one of the meetings. There were ten of us in a performance art building in the city. We could read our own material or the work of others. This time I read others’ work including, Surviving by Maya Angelou which is perfectly poignant for me at this time, but I was so inspired by the originals shared by group members that I plan to bring my poem(s) next meeting. There were heartbreaking vulnerable poems and giggly irreverent poems. After each poem reading we sat in silence to savor the feelings evoked. The group was ultra respectful and only offered positive feedback. It is a safe place to be deeply moved by words. These are my people. women's group in silhouette

Neighborhood friends, count me in!

After volunteering at my son’s rowing regatta, where I admittedly felt a bit out-of-place with the other athletic and efficient parents, I went home to an empty house. I walked outside to put a letter in the mailbox and ran into my new neighbor. I invited her in for a cool drink. We sat at my kitchen table for two hours! She’s a lovely and young 60-something (one of the elders I mentioned). She’s led a fascinating life of love, travel and performing. She’s a wonderful storyteller and not afraid to drop an f-bomb here and there. She studies people and relationships. She is my people.

At the end of her visit she mentioned getting several of us neighborhood ladies together for lunch. I hope she makes it happen. It would be wonderful to have another circle of neighborhood friends who get together regularly. I have friends in the neighborhood but in the last few years it’s been harder and harder to coordinate schedules. I admit I’m part of the problem. When I have my children I don’t go out. When they are not with me, I either stay home and recharge or spend it with a date or other friends. No matter the excuses, I miss that camaraderie.

Don’t worry about me, I’m full

The nice thing about engaging in communities is that then partners or family do not have to fill all of our needs. They don’t have to be your everything. A partner doesn’t feel pressured to entertain me or listen to my every word, nor do I feel obligated to do the same for him. We can get filled up within our home and outside of it.

My message this week is to consider entering into a new community, even if you are extremely introverted. Like-minded people energize us. We have to do less reconciling between our outer worlds and our inner worlds when we spend time with others who enjoy similar activities and put us at ease.

What communities do you belong to? How do they benefit you? How did you find them?

If you’d like help finding communities to enhance your way of being, please contact me for guidance and coaching. I’d love to help you find places that feel like home. 

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  1. Michael Buley July 29, 2016 at 3:16 pm - Reply

    Brenda, I love your openness, your heart, your honesty. What a wonderful note you shared with us. Just beautiful. I applaud you and cheer for you from over in the Northwest! And I am one of those people who will drop an occasional f-bomb! Sometimes a bit more than occasional … depends on the occasion and the company! I heard something years ago that said that people who swear a lot, have less anger, and fewer incidences of cancer. Who knows?

    Thank you for sharing you, with us, and allowing us to share us, with you!

    You rock, Brenda!


    • Brenda Knowles July 31, 2016 at 8:34 am - Reply

      Thank you Michael! Thank you for your positive, enlightening comments and thank you for being part of my home-like community.:) A well placed f-bomb can be sublime.:)

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