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THANK YOU….. you just summed up my swirling thoughts into something i can read with out everything else in my head meshing with it. I finally feel like i can explain what happens within without getting distracted. I’m an Introvert with ADD and it makes it so hard to explain quite what im feeling sometimes. — M.G. on space2live
M.G.
BRENDA: thank you SO much! Your advice is exactly what I need to do. I am amazed how much you “get” me after only exchanging a few messages!… Again, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You’ve helped me more than a year of therapy sessions! – Megan on space2live
Megan
Your site has saved my sanity and my life. Maybe even my marriage. I work part time and have two young boys at home, my husband is supportive of me but until recently I thought I was going crazy. … Reading your writing not only inspires me to pick up the pen again, but gives me nourishment in the deepest places. I will fight for balance. Everything you write is spot on… And wellness is so incredibly multifaceted.  I was ready to give up hope, but understanding myself through your words is bring…
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You’re so honest in your writing. It’s bold. It’s frank. It’s wonderful. I could definitely see the work you are doing here as a useful book. It could save/make a lot of relationships! — Jimmi Langemo
Jimmi Langemo

“I was struggling with my daughter (16 at the time) and our constant fighting. You said something to me that changed my life! You were speaking about your own situation and you said to me “my child could not handle my emotions”. This was a HUGE “lightbulb moment” for me and it forever changed the way I dealt with my emotions when I was around my daughter!

I am happy to say that things have never been better between my soon to be 18 year old daughter and myself! I honestly never thought we would…

Mom M
I have been dating an introverted man who I am very in love with for almost 2 years.  Reading your posts have helped me to be more supportive and understanding to him especially during the times when he needs space.  I just wanted to thank you for your weekly posts and let you know how helpful they are for someone who is in a relationship with an introvert. C.M. on space2live
C.M.
During one of the harder times in my life I found Brenda’s website
and reached out to her. To say the least it has been one of the best
decisions I have made. Being an extrovert I never quite understood
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I met Brenda and took the MBTI… I had a fairly good understanding of these types before the meeting but was impressed by the depth of knowledge that Brenda shared with me. She clearly has a passion for this work and a gift in imparting the information. There have been doors opened for me because of our talks… — Alan Hintermeister
Alan Hintermeister
Your words are my lifeline.  I sit down to your posts and as I read I can feel my acceptance of myself and my needs grow.  Your words validate my feelings about my life, motherhood, relationships and it is something I hold onto.  And during the times when I feel like I am not able to be a mother or a wife or a sister or a friend or whatever someone needs me to be, I go back to your words and find some peace…I send your posts to my husband when I need him to understand that I love him but I need …
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That courage and dedication you so generously share with the world, has inspired me to push myself a little harder, persevere at each task a little longer, dig a little bit deeper to where the answers just “feel” right to both my humanity AND my spirit. Your insights have reinforced my direction and given me additional tools that help me clear my path. I’m wired into my creativity as never before and the new music is pouring out of me faster than I can record and produce it; this is the Un…
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Introvert Relationships: Avoidant Attachment Style and Introversion

woman walking away

A few years ago while engaging in the online dating scene, one intriguing man —a big guy with a blue-collar job and an intellectual mind— brought the term avoidant attachment style to my attention. He and I had one or two dates and several emails filled with interesting and meaningful conversation. We both were huge readers fascinated by personal development and humanity. We chatted extensively about introversion. I enjoyed his individuality and unique perspective.

Why didn’t the relationship go anywhere?

At the time, he had a lot of drama going on in his life including struggles with his children and run ins with the police. He was not a criminal but his past and current relationships were quite volatile. I could not invite that kind of turbulence into my life or my children’s lives.

Once I told him I was not interested, he sent me an email telling me I have an avoidant attachment style. I Googled the phrase. I read information on parent/infant attachment styles. Parents of avoidant children tend to be minimally available physically and/or emotionally, causing their kids to be unnaturally independent and self-sufficient. I found out avoidant attachment styles value independence and fear dependency. I got the gist. Avoidants resist intimacy. I assumed he took my introverted nature and my lack of willingness to take on his personal issues, as signs confirming an inability to be in a relationship. And I wondered if he was right. After all, one of my post popular posts is, Introvert Relationships: Love Me or Leave Me but Please Don’t Need Me Too Much.

“People with this type of attachment style tend to be overly focused on themselves and their own creature comforts, and largely disregard the feelings and interests of other people. They also find it difficult to disclose their thoughts and feelings to their partner. Their typical response to an argument, conflict, and other stressful situation is to become distant and aloof.” — Understanding Anxious/Avoidant Attachment

How your childhood relationships affect your adult relationships 

Thinking back to my childhood, I have mostly happy memories. I had two parents, although divorced, they were both involved in my life. My mom was always there to take care of my basic needs. I always knew I could count on her to provide a good meal, buy me nice clothing and get me to my friend’s house if I needed a ride. I don’t remember her playing games with us (my sister and me), hugging us much or asking us about our feelings or friendships. My mom always said I was easy to raise. I entertained myself. I did everything I was supposed to.

My dad was fun and curious and loving when he took the time. Often, he was busy working or going to car races.

My sister and I fought and competed a lot — at least to my sensitive heart and mind. We knew each other’s Achilles heels and both wanted the attention of our parents. As a child, I didn’t feel a lot of emotional safety. It wasn’t safe to be tender-hearted, but I was. It wasn’t admired to be more quiet, but I was. I spent a lot of time alone in my room.

As an adult going through the strife of an unhappy marriage, I sought and received the emotional support I always wanted from my parents. My relationship with my sister has healed and is healthy now too. Both of these experiences made a huge difference in my security levels.

The introverted avoidant? parent

After learning the description of the parent of someone with an avoidant attachment style, I questioned my own introverted parenting. Avoidant attachment styles tend to focus inward. They see dependency as an encroachment on their autonomy. That sounds a lot like introversion to me. There were many days when my three kids were young, under ten years old, that I felt like I was drowning. I could manage to dress, feed and care for their basic needs but the crying, discipline, sickness and clinginess drove me down some low-energy, dark and anxiety-filled paths. There was no family in the area to help with childcare. I desperately sought out ways to escape — working out, hiring a nanny and volunteering outside the house.

Aaaaahhh! I screwed up my kids. I truly worry about this. The only confusing thing is I was also extremely in tune with my kids emotionally. Despite being away from them here and there throughout the week, I also spent a lot of quality time with them, more than the average parent. So while demonstrating characteristics of introversion and avoidance I also demonstrated traits of the anxious attachment style — being more sensitive to changes in others’ emotional expression, wanting intimate connections.

Now my children are teenagers. I do my best to let them know they are supported and loved. I strive to keep the quality time at a maximum. I fail sometimes. I really need time to myself. Is it introversion or avoidance or both? I’m not sure.

Introverts and attachment styles in relationships

“…if you’re currently in a relationship with an introvert: Don’t worry. On its own, your partner’s (or your own) preference for quiet reflection and alone time won’t interfere with your relationship satisfaction. However, if your partner is also higher in neuroticism as well, this could create problems. It can also be difficult to negotiate relationships with partners who are anxiously attached to the point of being clingy. Similarly, partners who are both introverted and high on avoidant attachment may be particularly resistant to efforts to achieve intimacy.” How to Date an Introvert, Psychology Today

I am a little neurotic about being avoidant. 😉

According to the book, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find — and Keep — Love, individuals with secure attachment styles are warm and loving. They are reliable and consistent. They attune to their partner’s emotional and physical cues and respond to them.

A secure relationship allows the partners to be something greater than if they were on their own. There is a positive interdependence. Each person gets to do his or her own thing and then return to the secure home base that is their relationship.

I think my former husband and I had a fairly secure attachment for the first ten years of our 15- year marriage. There were not a lot of emotional needs to be met. We were busy moving around the country and having children. Around year eight or nine of our marriage, his job security became unstable. I thought I was being strong by not worrying about the financial implications and not focusing on the potential job loss. I carried on doing my normal housewife duties. He needed my emotional support. I didn’t give it to him. Around year twelve, I figured out I was an introvert. I was having anxiety attacks about all the obligations and energy required to run a household, entertain and raise healthy children. I craved emotional connection. I wanted desperately to be validated and understood.  Instead, he often made me feel like I was wrong and inferior. I pulled away from him and found validation and emotional support elsewhere.

Since childhood, emotional security has been vital to me.

Hope for avoidant types

It is possible to graduate from an avoidant or anxious attachment style to a secure one.

  • It takes awareness of attachment styles. If you know you have insecure tendencies, you can work to stop them before they get out of hand. You and your partner can identify and diffuse your insecurities from the past.
  • According to psychiatrist, Dr. Dan Siegel, forming coherent narratives that explain how your childhood relationships affect you now, can help you transcend insecurity.
  • A secure attachment style can also be earned by forming relationships with secure people. According to Attached, over 50% of the population has a secure attachment style. Secure individuals will ease your physical and emotional worries. They will teach you how to use effective communication to get your needs met without putting others on the defensive.
  • Finding a supportive therapist and creating a secure relationship with them can also help you hone a secure attachment style.
  • Taking note of and emulating other secure relationships in your circles can also help prime your attachment skills.

 

What is your attachment style? Do you think there is a correlation between introversion and avoidant attachment style?  Have you been in a relationship with an avoidant attachment style individual? 

If you’d like help moving from an insecure attachment style to a more secure and healthy one, please contact me here for relationship coaching. 

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7 Comments

  1. Rachel April 27, 2016 at 9:11 pm - Reply

    I’m in a avoidant/ anxious relationship. How can I give him the space he needs to feel safe whilst encouraging intimacy?

  2. Catherine North April 16, 2016 at 3:52 pm - Reply

    I tend to need a lot of reassurance and empathy and validation from a partner. On the other hand, if I sense that anyone is being too directive or threatening my independence, I will run a mile from that person. I’m not sure if that makes me anxious or avoidant or both, or just an introvert??

    • Brenda Knowles April 17, 2016 at 10:32 am - Reply

      I have the same question Catherine. I am the same way. I’m not sure if needing reassurance and empathy while also needing space is anxious, avoidant or part of being a sensitive introvert. I think I handle taking direction better from someone who is empathetic and reassuring. I don’t think I would be as avoidant in that case. I’m just thinking out loud now. Still trying to untangle these thoughts.;) Thanks for sharing your experience.

  3. Lauren Sapala April 15, 2016 at 4:21 pm - Reply

    I soooo needed to read this article right now. Both my husband and I are introverts and my husband is the stay-at-home parent for our 14-month-old son. I CONSTANTLY question if our introverted parenting style is screwing up my son forever and ever (we don’t have him signed up for any activities like swimming or Mommy and Me yoga, I don’t belong to a mommy circle, etc.).

    Both my husband and I do tend to avoid things–other people, over-stimulating situations–and we get some flack for that from other family members, friends and sometimes complete strangers. But this article reminded me that it’s okay. A certain level of avoidance is just part of the natural flow of introversion.

    • Brenda Knowles April 17, 2016 at 10:16 am - Reply

      After 16 years of parenting, I recommend going with your gut Lauren. Don’t let society talk you into socializing your son in ways that don’t feel natural to you. I recommend surrounding yourselves (you and your family) with supportive friends and family members. Getting together with them occasionally, I think, is good for everyone. If classes feel good and comfortable to you, try them, but don’t feel like you have to, especially at your son’s young age. I personally don’t believe it’s necessary to be so structured. Thanks for sharing your experience.:)

  4. Samantha April 15, 2016 at 3:58 pm - Reply

    Again, with the “seeing myself in these posts” experience. 🙂

    I definitely have an avoidant attachment style. I find it interesting how it is supposedly developed, because I don’t think I was without my needs being met, but I still have always been extremely independent and I have a really hard time asking for help, I loathe it.

    I can see myself being avoidant/distant/aloof in my relationship and I have definitely made efforts to improve in that sense, but I still find myself having a hard time picking up on cues for the needs of others around me. It’s part of the reason I highly don’t want to have children (maybe ever) because I don’t think my personality is compatible. It terrifies me to have someone that needs me 100% like that.

    Anyway, great post, and a lot to think about here.

    • Brenda Knowles April 17, 2016 at 10:08 am - Reply

      What personality type are you Samantha? Your self-awareness will definitely benefit you. You are wise to know your limitations, especially regarding having children. Do you fear being overwhelmed with other’s needs? I’m just curious, because I do. I fear not having enough energy.
      I pick up on people’s cues, maybe too much, to the point of jumping to conclusions. Thanks for being open and candid with your comment Samantha. I appreciate your insight.

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