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During one of the harder times in my life I found Brenda’s website
and reached out to her. To say the least it has been one of the best
decisions I have made. Being an extrovert I never quite understood
what it meant to romantically involved with an introvert. Brenda does
an incredible job listening, giving in the moment feedback, and helped
me understand the how an introvert functions. She helped explain to me
that I am introspective extrovert, and this gave something to identify
with and allowed me t…
Evan H.
You’re so honest in your writing. It’s bold. It’s frank. It’s wonderful. I could definitely see the work you are doing here as a useful book. It could save/make a lot of relationships! — Jimmi Langemo
Jimmi Langemo
I have been dating an introverted man who I am very in love with for almost 2 years.  Reading your posts have helped me to be more supportive and understanding to him especially during the times when he needs space.  I just wanted to thank you for your weekly posts and let you know how helpful they are for someone who is in a relationship with an introvert. C.M. on space2live
C.M.

“I was struggling with my daughter (16 at the time) and our constant fighting. You said something to me that changed my life! You were speaking about your own situation and you said to me “my child could not handle my emotions”. This was a HUGE “lightbulb moment” for me and it forever changed the way I dealt with my emotions when I was around my daughter!

I am happy to say that things have never been better between my soon to be 18 year old daughter and myself! I honestly never thought we would…

Mom M
Your site has saved my sanity and my life. Maybe even my marriage. I work part time and have two young boys at home, my husband is supportive of me but until recently I thought I was going crazy. … Reading your writing not only inspires me to pick up the pen again, but gives me nourishment in the deepest places. I will fight for balance. Everything you write is spot on… And wellness is so incredibly multifaceted.  I was ready to give up hope, but understanding myself through your words is bring…
J.K.
For the first time in my life I could truly explain, through your words the way in which I experience life and myself. Brenda… It all fell into place. I had found myself and had such a moment of clarity. It felt like such a big weight was lifted off of my shoulders. Finally I felt like it was ok to be me. I was not the only one. I had found people and a little space where I fit in. … I was at work and crying on the inside. Emotions ran wild inside me. I was ecstatic, sad, confused, motivated, i…
Niko
Your words are my lifeline.  I sit down to your posts and as I read I can feel my acceptance of myself and my needs grow.  Your words validate my feelings about my life, motherhood, relationships and it is something I hold onto.  And during the times when I feel like I am not able to be a mother or a wife or a sister or a friend or whatever someone needs me to be, I go back to your words and find some peace…I send your posts to my husband when I need him to understand that I love him but I need …
D.R.
I met Brenda and took the MBTI… I had a fairly good understanding of these types before the meeting but was impressed by the depth of knowledge that Brenda shared with me. She clearly has a passion for this work and a gift in imparting the information. There have been doors opened for me because of our talks… — Alan Hintermeister
Alan Hintermeister
BRENDA: thank you SO much! Your advice is exactly what I need to do. I am amazed how much you “get” me after only exchanging a few messages!… Again, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You’ve helped me more than a year of therapy sessions! – Megan on space2live
Megan
Thank you for all the words. You’ve created the magic drug I’ve been looking for all my life. Your blog has transformed my life, and I feel like I am on the brink of a most satisfying fulfilling journey…You’ve made me see everything in a new light. I now feel calmer, able to care better for my toddler, less hateful of people around, and hopeful for my future. I am not so afraid for our marriage anymore. — Shilpa CB
Shilpa CB

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Are You Sabotaging Your Relationship and Career Satisfaction? How to Sustain Contentment

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Photo credit Kinga Cichewicz via Unsplash

Instead of assuming problems and hard times are inevitable and enduring, what if we extended our ability to tolerate things going well?

What if we sabotage our joy by not creating enough space to feel and appreciate the positive things in our lives?

What if we are limiting our good times by consistently but subconsciously returning to a familiar level of uneasiness?

I’ve done a lot of research on how to build resilience and endure discomfort longer. I’ve used the knowledge to teach introverted and highly sensitive clients, readers and their loved ones how to get through the tough times and challenges of life and relationships.

I recently came across another angle that may lead to just as much joy and peace as learning how to handle the obstacles in endeavors and love.

Don’t get too happy

I can’t take credit for this reverse way of thinking. Gay Hendricks, author of more than twenty books including, The Big Leap: Conquer Your Hidden Fear and Take Life to the Next Level, calls the inability to tolerate contentment, our Upper Limit Problem. 

Photo credit Clem Onojeghuo via Unsplash

Quite often when we experience a period of positive feelings, we unconsciously create unpleasant thoughts to return us to a state we are more accustomed to, namely one with more negative or challenging feelings. We hit our upper limit of joy and start looking for ways to settle back into our regular level of anxiety or minimized happiness.

Why we curtail contentment

According to Dr. Hendricks, we have four main fears or beliefs that hold us back from experiencing life satisfaction and our full potential. The key thing to know is that these fears and barriers are not true. We unconsciously believe them and they keep us small.

The fears are based on programming we received long ago. Here is a brief breakdown of each barrier:

1. We have a fundamental flaw. We believe there is something wrong or bad about ourselves and therefore we should not be financially, creatively or relationally successful.

I see many sensitive people with this belief. We see our sensitivity as a flaw and let it keep us limited by subconsciously telling ourselves we can’t handle too much happiness or too many happenings. We’ll get overwhelmed or people won’t like us once they discover how sensitive we are.

2.  Disloyalty or abandonment of important people in our lives is wrong. We believe we can’t get too happy or successful because then we would not be abiding by a family code or we would be leaving important people behind. We feel guilty for doing things our own way or not including our closest people in our endeavors. 

I have struggled with this one for years. I felt tremendous guilt for creating space2live and not spending more time with my children or ex-husband. Some people unconsciously temper their career potential because they are the only one in their family who went to college or has a high paying job. They don’t want to get too uppity for their roots.

3. We are a burden.  We grew up thinking our existence is taxing on someone. Even if we do well we don’t want someone else to have to deal with our output or our big living. If we just keep ourselves small and don’t take risks we won’t bother anyone. 

Dr. Hendricks gives the example of himself being raised by a single mother. His existence burdened her and she even downplayed his work (books written, speaking tours). It took him years to realize he does not have to think of himself as a burden.

4. Outshining others is bad.  If I do too well I will show up so and so and they will feel or look bad. Perhaps we had a younger sibling who struggled in school and we noticed when we got all As our father encouraged us to downplay them around that sibling. 

I’ve had clients say they dumbed themselves down to keep harmony in a relationship.

What we do to curtail our joy

Whenever we get close to our threshold of success in love or work, we do something to temper it. See if you recognize any of these methods of holding ourselves back.

Worrying. Worrying is the easiest way to stifle positive energy flow. We do it subconsciously. We can be reflecting on what a great weekend we had one moment and the next, start to worry about a family member’s health or having enough money to pay an upcoming bill.

Criticizing and blame. We can be enjoying a sweet night of intimacy with our spouse and then suddenly we throw out a criticism. This robs us of deep connection and stops the flow of good feelings.

DeflectingWhen something good happens to us we chalk it up to luck or we downplay our part in it. We minimize a compliment from someone instead of basking in the positive light. 

Starting a fight. Nothing brings joy to a halt like conflict. Notice when arguments arise with your loved ones or co-workers. Is it often after a period of harmony or happiness? It is strange how there is a drive to break the streak of getting along,

Getting sick or hurt. Things are going smoothly for a while and all of a sudden you start getting migraines or back pain. It is as if we have to push ourselves back down to a level of discomfort. We have to punish ourselves for being too content.

Shining a light on limiting, dissolves it

couple looking at meadow

Photo credit Pablo Heimplatz via Unsplash

The good news is awareness is instrumental in helping us resolve our upper limit problem. By simply noticing when we start putting on the brakes of positive feelings and energy, we can build our tolerance for contentment. We can foster sustained joy instead of curtailing it. We can not only push ourselves to tolerate some discomfort and anxiety in our lives but we can also train ourselves to allow for extended periods of good feelings.

Where do you limit your satisfaction? Do any of the barriers to contentment resonate with you? Do you deflect joy? Start arguments when things are going well? 

If you’d like guidance in how to sustain contentment in your work and relationships, please contact me. I’d love to help you expand your tolerance for love and success.

 

My book, The Quiet Rise of Introverts: 8 Practices for Living and Loving in a Noisy World is now available in an audio version! You can listen to it while you commute or exercise or anytime you want someone to read to you.:)

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