I didn’t fall apart during or after the divorce like everyone expected. I was worried as hell about how it would affect our children, scared to death about taking care of everything myself (how would I find the energy?) but ultimately not afraid to be alone. I knew I was on my way. I was doing what I needed to do in order to evolve, for all of us to evolve.
I believe that a marriage should not survive at the expense of its participants and that families evolve, not dissolve, as a result of divorce. ~ Tara Eisenhard, Relative Evolutions
The above quote from a space2live reader spoke to me. My sentiments exactly. I see my children grasping and growing and I feel myself transforming in a way I would not have if I stayed married. I’ve noticed a new willingness to listen and reflect in my ex-husband as well.
This post is not an endorsement of divorce. It is encouragement for those who have experienced the shake up of a broken marriage.
Divorce cracks you wide open so that a new soft-bodied animal can emerge, one who is open to learning, independence and empathy.
You Have to Fight to Evolve as an Introvert Post-Divorce
You have to rise from the ashes and:
1. Say this is not me. I have to be true to myself.
2. Spearhead your existence. Stop competing, find your natural bliss and take action.
3. Give yourself permission to say, I have to think about it. It’s OK to make decisions slowly.
4. Defend boundaries constantly. Protect your solitude and space.
5. Be OK with your unpopular or non-mainstream perspective.
6. Learn to live with less money, less time with your kids, less stability (for a while).
7. Do what you find meaningful rather than impressive.
8. Build relationships that feel right.
Not Doing It the Extrovert Way This Time
In my marriage I followed. I rushed. I filled every second with doing. I squeezed myself into a pair of high-energy jeans that only truly fit every once in a while. End results were more important than what was developing inside me. I felt I was in competition for everything (often with my ex-husband), — best parent, lead conversationalist, quickest thinker, most in control, one who sacrifices and produces the most. Exhausting and inauthentic. I felt I was failing because I couldn’t keep up or compete.
It’s OK to Choose Your Happiness: The World Will Benefit
…Based on massive evidence of fulfillment: When you choose your happiness, you become infinitely more productive, useful, and magnetic to those around you. You enable yourself to truly be of service. ~ Danielle LaPorte, Do Not Do Shit to Please Your Parents
You can do things because you love someone but not to please or appease them. Not to be worthy in their eyes. If you aim for others’ approval or others’ abilities it will take away your spirit, your light, your curiosity. You will be a generic copy of yourself dressed in clothing picked out by other people. A Barbie with no soul or joy. Trust me, I know.
I’m not going to try to be like others this time around by doing and doing and focusing on achieving. I am going to protect my solitude and listen to my internal guide. I am not going to rush my decisions or rush my children in order to accomplish oodles of achievements and activities. I want them to taste learning and savor living long enough to notice their own values and inner voice. I want enough space for kindness to be easy and respect to be considered. I will explore this world with an open mind and heart.
I already feel infinitely more connected with myself and others. My children have commented that they feel closer to each of their parents now. I feel I add value to the world through my writing and relationships. I love encouraging others to embrace their introverted gifts.
I used to feel pushed or pulled through life, now I feel I am leading, scouting ahead to discover my full potential.
Oh, I regress and try to put on those skinny restrictive busy-jeans that our culture heralds as must haves. I feel guilty when I need time to myself. I get sucked into the achievement/productivity vortex. I forget to connect with my kids and instead dole out commands and criticism. I still worry about having enough energy but…
I am increasingly more at peace and content with my circumstances.
Are you evolving or dissolving? Have you had a life altering experience that helped you transform?
If you enjoyed, A Divorced Introvert: Evolving Not Dissolving Post-Breakup, you may also like:
Are You Someone’s Priority: Do You Need to Be? (space2live)