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BRENDA: thank you SO much! Your advice is exactly what I need to do. I am amazed how much you “get” me after only exchanging a few messages!… Again, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You’ve helped me more than a year of therapy sessions! – Megan on space2live
Megan
This is me. This is me from the day I was born. For so long I felt misunderstood and rejected, even by the people closest to me, because they could never understand my need for solitude, and I had no idea how to explain it to them. Even now that I know more about Introversion and have a more informed understanding of my hard-wired need for solitude, it’s still very difficult sometimes to help my loved ones understand this profound craving for time and space all to myself. This is one of the best…
Sharon
That courage and dedication you so generously share with the world, has inspired me to push myself a little harder, persevere at each task a little longer, dig a little bit deeper to where the answers just “feel” right to both my humanity AND my spirit. Your insights have reinforced my direction and given me additional tools that help me clear my path. I’m wired into my creativity as never before and the new music is pouring out of me faster than I can record and produce it; this is the Un…
Gary
Your site has saved my sanity and my life. Maybe even my marriage. I work part time and have two young boys at home, my husband is supportive of me but until recently I thought I was going crazy. … Reading your writing not only inspires me to pick up the pen again, but gives me nourishment in the deepest places. I will fight for balance. Everything you write is spot on… And wellness is so incredibly multifaceted.  I was ready to give up hope, but understanding myself through your words is bring…
J.K.
Thank you for all the words. You’ve created the magic drug I’ve been looking for all my life. Your blog has transformed my life, and I feel like I am on the brink of a most satisfying fulfilling journey…You’ve made me see everything in a new light. I now feel calmer, able to care better for my toddler, less hateful of people around, and hopeful for my future. I am not so afraid for our marriage anymore. — Shilpa CB
Shilpa CB
Your words are my lifeline.  I sit down to your posts and as I read I can feel my acceptance of myself and my needs grow.  Your words validate my feelings about my life, motherhood, relationships and it is something I hold onto.  And during the times when I feel like I am not able to be a mother or a wife or a sister or a friend or whatever someone needs me to be, I go back to your words and find some peace…I send your posts to my husband when I need him to understand that I love him but I need …
D.R.
For the first time in my life I could truly explain, through your words the way in which I experience life and myself. Brenda… It all fell into place. I had found myself and had such a moment of clarity. It felt like such a big weight was lifted off of my shoulders. Finally I felt like it was ok to be me. I was not the only one. I had found people and a little space where I fit in. … I was at work and crying on the inside. Emotions ran wild inside me. I was ecstatic, sad, confused, motivated, i…
Niko
You’re so honest in your writing. It’s bold. It’s frank. It’s wonderful. I could definitely see the work you are doing here as a useful book. It could save/make a lot of relationships! — Jimmi Langemo
Jimmi Langemo

“I was struggling with my daughter (16 at the time) and our constant fighting. You said something to me that changed my life! You were speaking about your own situation and you said to me “my child could not handle my emotions”. This was a HUGE “lightbulb moment” for me and it forever changed the way I dealt with my emotions when I was around my daughter!

I am happy to say that things have never been better between my soon to be 18 year old daughter and myself! I honestly never thought we would…

Mom M
THANK YOU….. you just summed up my swirling thoughts into something i can read with out everything else in my head meshing with it. I finally feel like i can explain what happens within without getting distracted. I’m an Introvert with ADD and it makes it so hard to explain quite what im feeling sometimes. — M.G. on space2live
M.G.

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4 Steps to Love and Independence

Self-love brings to mind: me time, positive affirmations, massage therapy and um masturbation. Guess what?  There’s way more to it than that.

We all know we need to love ourselves before dragging someone else into the mix, yet time and time again couples break up and within weeks one or both of them is in a serious relationship with someone else.  People become interchangeable love-holders. Rebound relationships don’t last for the same reason the original relationship imploded. One or both of the pair has not taken the time to learn how to love themselves.  In fact, they don’t even know that love and independence can co-exist.

I am no love expert.  I’ve stumbled and made mistakes as much, if not more, than the average lovebird.  The only difference between me and the serial love-chasers is that I hit a wall (a head-on collision between independence and security) in a relationship that took my breath and energy away, hence making it impossible to keep chasing. I had to slow down and re-evaluate or fall apart irreparably.

I don’t have all the answers for every individual or relationship, but I’d like to share the steps that put some light on the path for me. Below is what I have learned so far regarding a true love of self and life:

How to Stop Chasing Love and Start Feeling It

1. Get Comfortable with Being Alone. Introverts don’t have a problem with this but extroverts dread alone-time like kids dread fat Aunt Frieda’s hot moist kiss. But let’s face it, the only way to get to know yourself is to remove distractions and get down to some personal ice-breakers.  Who are you without a to-do list?  What are you drawn to when no one is there to entertain you?  When there is no leader, what do you do?

What if you die of loneliness? You’ll be fine.You don’t have to live in a shed in the woods cut off from humanity. Sit with yourself for a while, then take your centered self out to glow in the company of others.

What if you die of boredom? You won’t. You’ll gravitate toward activities and if you persevere long enough you will stumble upon something that puts you in flow. What if there is nothing creative, reliable or wonderful within you? Studies have shown that people are more creative when they know their work will never be viewed by others. How can you know how imaginative you are without having wide open space to go nuts? Look deeply and listen.

2. Hear Your Inner Voice and Trust It. All that alone time should provide enough quiet to make your soul’s voice audible.  It won’t come through like a Marshall amp on 11, but your gut will jabber on if given enough stillness. I suggest going for a walk in the woods or by a lake. Nothing fosters going internal like the vastness of nature. I also use prompt or intuitive writing to tap into my subconscious. It’s a fantastic way to clear the garbage out and allow the stream of thoughts to run clear. Meditation is a perfect option for tuning in to your party of one. Consistently following your breath is the simplest way to re-focus and connect with yourself.

It took me a long time to make the leap from hearing my inner voice to giving it street cred. I heard it, but still believed others knew better than I did what to do. When I finally started paying attention to my intuition, there was a lovely feeling of self-sufficiency. I am enough. I began to listen to my heart regarding the disciplining of my children. Instead of constantly punishing and taking away privileges when they misbehaved, I made sure they were feeling included and listened to. I worried they would run all over me but instead they perked up and wanted to keep that openness present.

 

3. Know and Accept Your Flaws. I’ll admit once I became friendly with my self I thought I was hot shit.  I’m good. I’ve figured out the universe via my own divine voice. Then I got knocked down a few pegs. I was so awake to myself and everything else that I became overwhelmed with all the details. The result was me waking in the night with a racing rabbit heart regarding all the external work I needed to do before I could pause and reflect and a tremendous load of guilt for even thinking about putting myself first. My husband and children told me in their own gut-wrenching ways that I was not present enough for them.

You’re not hot shit.

I was exhausted trying to keep my family happy and keep my own internal conversation alive. I had to restrict focus to a select few meaningful areas. At first, I threw a pity party and wallowed in my shortcomings but then I zeroed in on information I gathered while alone —what I am drawn to and what I find meaningful (family, writing, health). I began to know how to love independently, from the inside to the outside because my inner voice told me where I loved the deepest.

Fears, flaws and failures will always gnaw at us but if you can alchemize them into empathy and compassion then love will flow effortlessly. Realize others struggle too, reach out.

I also learned that  you have to go out into the world imperfect. If you wait to be perfect, you’re Leonard Cohendead, as in not really living, because you are striving for an elusive end-product instead of living with a few cracks. And Leonard Cohen says the cracks are where the light comes in.;)

4.Take Action. You knew all this reflecting was going to lead to some action, right? We can’t just sit around all day in the lotus position (damn it). Once you have completed steps one through three, you should have a strong sense of who you are and how much love is within and around you (nature, flow) at all times. This love is what you return to over and over after every action step.

The love you feel for yourself allows you to venture out and screw things up. It propels you into the unknown, then says, Remember you’re OK, even with your mistakes. There’s more to you than what other people think.  At this point you are free to make a move to the career path you’ve been drooling over, end or start a relationship, go deeper into an aspect of your life you’ve been marginalizing, take up surfing, deliver mosquito nets to Zimbabwe, get on stage, write a book, bust a move, whatever!

You are no longer hindered by the need to be adored by others, but you’ll be loved anyway. The love you feel for yourself and others will originate within you instead of being extracted from others. You’ll enter new relationships with clarity and a sense of wanting rather than needing.
Where are you with your self-love?  Can you stand your own company?  Are you patient with your cracks? 
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14 Comments

  1. Laura September 6, 2013 at 12:19 pm - Reply

    Thank you for the reminder in your post, “I also learned that you have to go out into the world imperfect.” COURAGE = ‘coeur’ age = from the heart, a place of love. God knows I have done my share of hiding out. My ability to step out vs hideout actually seems to have a direct correlation to the degree of love and support I give MYSELF!
    If I could learn to do this consistently, it would be wonderful – I will continue to try!
    Thanks as always for sharing your thoughts Brenda!

  2. sallysmart April 17, 2012 at 11:35 pm - Reply

    I just love this post. Beautiful.

    • brennagee April 18, 2012 at 2:50 pm - Reply

      We are working the steps my friend.;) Thanks for reading and commenting.

  3. […] 4 Steps to Love and Independence – How to love yourself in 4 steps […]

  4. […] 3. 4 Steps to Love and Independence […]

  5. Mike November 7, 2011 at 11:40 am - Reply

    Great as always and soooo meaningful these days.

    • brennagee November 7, 2011 at 12:16 pm - Reply

      Thank you Mike for reading and commenting. The truth is always meaningful.:)

  6. Mary McGreevy November 7, 2011 at 10:03 am - Reply

    Lovely, lovely, lovely in all senses of the word. I’m bookmarking this, Brenda.

    • brennagee November 7, 2011 at 12:13 pm - Reply

      Thank you Mary! I hope you are doing some lovely writing of your own. 🙂 We do need to get together.

  7. BeccaFetz November 5, 2011 at 12:16 am - Reply

    Truly love this heartfelt blog post. Your writing has really blossomed and I “feel” you in every word..it leaps off the page and really speaks to me..and strikes a chord in my heart.
    Thanks so much for so openly and honestly sharing of yourself..you are such a “light” Bren.

    • brennagee November 5, 2011 at 11:39 am - Reply

      Well, they say to write what you know…:) There was a lot of heart behind this one. Thank you for reading and responding Becca. Right back at ya with the “light” thing.;)

  8. yogaleigh November 4, 2011 at 3:15 pm - Reply

    I was going to just press the wordpress “like” button but I don’t see one — didn’t really have anything else to say except I like it — so true. I actually got to like my own company well enough that I never got back to looking for someone…

    • brennagee November 4, 2011 at 4:22 pm - Reply

      Thanks for commenting.:) There is a bliss associated with enjoying your own company. I’ll look into the wordpress like button issue. There should be one.

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